by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 2, 2026 | Change
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4q2FwGN
Today we talk about making sexual changes in your marriage. Oh boy!
The first thing you should understand is that your overall relationship with your spouse serves as the foundation for your sex life. You can’t build a good sex life on a bad relationship. And if you want a great sex life, you’ll need more than just a good relationship!
Often when a couple comes to us for help with their sex life, it quickly becomes obvious they have relationship issues that are limiting or hurting their sex life. Listen up, guys: if you want a better sex life, you need to work on your relationship.
I know how hard it can be to focus on non-sexual aspects of a relationship when you’re desperate for sex. The short-term workaround is to find a way to minimally deal with your sex drive while you focus on the relationship. This will be something other than what you both want long-term. And you may need third-party help to agree on a stopgap measure. Ladies, please believe that sexual frustration will impede his ability to work on the relationship, even if he is eager to do so.
I said earlier this week that trying to change for your spouse, with no personal desire to make the change, is far more difficult than when you want the change. That is especially true for sexual changes. Trying to make changes for your spouse can be loving, but it ultimately may not be enough. If you don’t get to where you want a better sex life, you will probably fail.
That said, fake it till you make it can work for your sex life. We’ve heard something along the lines of “I set out to make sex good for him, and now I enjoy it too!” plenty of times. When I say fake it, I don’t mean faking orgasm. I mean saying yes when you have no desire. I mean initiating when you’re not interested. I mean pushing your comfort zone a bit. I mean trying new things with an open mind. Caveat: this assumes any past abuse has been dealt with and your spouse is not abusive.
If you’re on the receiving end of this, with your spouse trying to make sex better for you, accept what they do with grace and appreciation. God created sex to be pleasurable physically, emotionally, and relationally. Even if your spouse is just doing it for you, these things can happen to them. That improves their sex experience and increases their desire to have sex.
Your sex life can only be as healthy as your relationship. A struggling marriage limits what’s possible in the bedroom. Even when the relationship is solid, sexual change tends to be slow at first, then gather speed as you continue. So don’t give up when it seems nothing is happening!
~ This is Paul, praying 2026 is a great year for your sex life!
I’m not sure if I am being loved or claimed.
When Widget moved over to me, Tilly moved down to be touching me.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 1, 2026 | Change
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3LnuWek
When you make changes to improve your marriage, you can do that on your own or with your spouse. Some changes take both of you. If you’re habitually late to things because neither of you is ready to leave on time, then you being ready on time won’t fix the issue. You might be able to start the process of such a change, but if your spouse is unwilling, you will get stuck.
If a change will require action from your spouse, you need to start by discussing it with them. You both need to be on board and working towards the same goal. Not sure how to bring it up? Try something like: “I’ve been thinking about [specific change], and I’d love your help. Can we talk about what that might look like?” Identify together what success will look like. Discuss smaller goals along the way. Brainstorm what could interfere with progress, and how you can avoid or work past those things.
See the change as a joint goal, and encourage each other. Give your spouse grace when they fail, and allow yourself grace when you fail. Celebrate success each step of the way.
But not every change is a team project. If a goal is all on you, you can still get your spouse’s help if they’re willing. This requires sharing your goal, which creates pressure. Some folks work better this way – if that’s you, use it. Sharing with your spouse also sets them up for disappointment, so don’t share something unless you’re fairly sure you can succeed.
There’s a lot of talk about accountability. Accountability is asking for help. It does not shift responsibility for your actions to someone else. If your spouse is willing to ask how you’re doing on what you are trying to change, great. If not, make it your job to tell them every few days or once a week. If they are comfortable nudging you, saying something like, “Do you really want to eat that ice cream?” can be beneficial. If you want that from them, you must receive it well. And the responsibility for making the change remains with you; it’s not on them.
Asking your spouse to help you make changes can make it much easier to change. But it can also be a marriage stressor. If your marriage isn’t up to it, don’t push for help.
How do you know if your marriage can handle it? Ask yourself: Can we discuss hard things without ending up in a fight? Does my spouse generally respond with grace or with criticism? Is your spouse likely to be controlling? If accountability conversations are likely to create more conflict than progress, pursue the change quietly on your own.”
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. ~ Proverbs 27:17 ESV
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
A tool you might like: A couple of weeks ago, I added QuillBot to my Chrome browser. It’s the best spell checker I’ve ever used. It also does grammar and other checks with the free version. It does far more in paid mode, which I have not checked out.
Collected eggs today. So many colours!
The dark brown on the left is Black Copper Maran. Next to that is Barred Rock. The two greenish ones are from a cross of an Easter Egger hen and a Barred Rock rooster. The small light one on the end is from a Black Australorp. The pinkish one is probably a cross from a Barred Rock rooster and a Black Australorp hen.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 31, 2025 | Change
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3NnrXmB
More thoughts on making it easier to make changes that improve your marriage:
When you dedicate yourself to change, it’s important to set goals. Good goals can greatly increase your odds of success, so give it some thought.
You should have a final goal in mind, but don’t stop there. A series of goals is far better than just an end goal. Setting and achieving a series of goals helps you stay motivated. A well-planned set of objectives provides a clear route to achievement. Many goals require multiple changes, and outlining the goals allows you to see how those changes fit together.
As you consider smaller goals along the way, consider what might stand in the way of the change you want to make. What will this change cost you? Are you giving up something you enjoy? Are you moving out of your comfort zone? Don’t ignore the cost of such things. Give yourself time and grace, and see each obstacle overcome as one more step to your final goal.
Once you’ve mapped out the journey, you need a way to know if you’re making progress. How best to judge success? If you judge moment by moment, it’s easy to become despondent. Change is almost never a straight line. It’s usually more like taking two steps forward, one step back, and one step to the side.
If you get stuck, ask yourself if your original plan was flawed. Be willing to make adjustments to your path. If it becomes evident your final goal is unrealistic, don’t give up. Modify your goal and keep going.
The smart way to determine success is to compare the highs. If you have a high that exceeds your previous high, you have made progress. The inevitable dip does not indicate failure; remember that new high. Another way to do this is to consider your low points. If the most recent low was better than several previous lows, you’re doing well.
As an example, say you’ve been working on listening better. Last month, you had a conversation where your spouse said, “I really felt heard.” That’s a high. This week, you got distracted and missed something important; that’s a low. But if this week’s low is still better than your worst moments six months ago, you’re progressing. And, if your next “felt heard” moment is even better than the last, that’s real growth.
BTW, this perspective on progress is also a great way to view your marriage in general. Don’t be discouraged by the issues that are pressing in on you right now; instead, consider the big picture. Is your current situation better than it was previously? Are your current lows higher than previous lows?
Don’t get hung up on where you are; look at the big picture and see where you were.
~ This is Paul, praying 2026 is a great year for your marriage!
After falling through a while back, Widget was slow to trust the ice on the pond.
But now she does!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 30, 2025 | Change
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4jilZj5
It’s all well and good to dedicate yourself to making marriage-improving changes. But life has a way of getting in the way.
Change takes effort, both mentally and emotionally. When your life is busy or stressed, making changes is far more difficult. When bad things happen, that also makes change more difficult.
Don’t ignore these things and just keep pushing on like nothing has happened. Making progress will be hard, and it will likely come at a high cost. Even more likely is burning out and giving up on the change. If you attempt it again at a later time, the “failure” will make it more difficult next time around.
Instead of giving up, pause. Try to hold any ground you have gained, but don’t push forward until life gets easier. That would mean not getting better but also not going back to how you were. Dig in and weather whatever storm is happening, then start fresh when the storm has passed.
But life stress isn’t the only obstacle. Sometimes the resistance comes from people. There are two forms of this: from your spouse and from others in your life.
If a change to make your marriage better costs others, they may protest. If you realise you spend too much time with “the boys” or “your girlfriends”, those people won’t be happy about having less of your time. If you tell them you’re doing it for your marriage, they may accuse you of being controlled by your spouse.
Pushback from your spouse seems weird. If you’re doing something for them, why would they oppose you? There are a few reasons this happens.
- They feel undeserving. Deep down, they may not believe they deserve better treatment.
- They feel guilty. Your improvement highlights areas where they know they’ve fallen short.
- They suspect strings attached. They may assume you expect something in return.
- Change itself is uncomfortable. Even good change disrupts the familiar. Sometimes we’d rather sit in something bad than deal with change.
- Your flaw is their excuse. What you’re fixing may have justified something they do wrong.
When friends or your spouse seem to oppose changes, do consider what they say. Then pray and work towards what you think God would have you do. If being right with Him is your primary goal, then what others think about a change won’t affect you as much.
~ This is Paul, and if change were easy, we’d all do it all the time.
Last week we took the grandsons for the annual meal out and tour of Christmas lights.
I think the pizza and ice cream were a bigger hit than the lights.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 29, 2025 | Change
Podcast: https://bit.ly/49cdgtT
So here comes 2026, ready or not! My wish and prayer for every one of you is that 2026 will be the best year yet for your marriage. I will do what I can to help you on that, but the hard part is on you!
Lori and I are not very big on resolutions. At least not as most folks do them. Change is difficult, slow, and never a straight line. Changing your marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. This week I’ll do a few posts aimed at improving your success at changing.
One of the first things to investigate is why you don’t want to do whatever it is you are setting out to change. If you really wanted to do it, if you wanted it with your whole being, you would do it. You might need to learn and grow, but you would not be fighting an uphill emotional battle.
Often part of us wants the change, and part does not. If we’re trying to stop a bad habit, we get something we like when we engage in the activity. And that part of us doesn’t want to give it up. Sometimes what we get is hidden from us. We might stay overweight or keep dressing poorly because we don’t want the attention we might get if we change. Fear of what success might bring can be a big obstacle.
And then there’s the question of motivation itself. Trying to change for your spouse, with no personal desire to make the change, is far more difficult than when you want the change. Making a change for your spouse is loving, and it’s not a bad motivation, but it will be a greater struggle. Then there’s the danger of thinking they owe you for what you’re doing. If they don’t change, will you feel your effort was wasted? This can be a subconscious thing and can be a reason why you start well and then fall away.
As I suggested recently, it may be better to not announce a change you intend to make. Work at it on your own. If you do well, your spouse will notice, and that will make you feel good about your efforts and spur you on.
Caveat: If your resistance is rooted in trauma, addiction, or mental health struggles, you may need professional help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well will require change.
A few words on your year-end giving, which is now at $7568, or three quarters. We thank all who have sent donations and kind words. If you would like to help us reach our goal, you can do so here. Or you can send something by mail. US donations are tax-deductible and must be made or mailed by midnight on Dec 31st to count for 2025.
Finally got real cold.
Upper left is outside. Lower right is the hoop house. The bird barn was a toasty 51.4, while under the house where we stored potatoes it was 43.7. The other four are various areas of the house.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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