by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 26, 2025 | Christmas
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3YcrYfC
Have you ever done a Christmas post-mortem? Doing so could make next year much better for you, your spouse, and your marriage.
To be effective, you need to do this in the next few days while events and feelings are still fresh. You also have to agree to be lovingly but brutally honest. Then work to avoid feeling offended or hurt by what your spouse shares.
Take notes as you talk. Then sleep on it, and come back together to make a plan for next year. The plan should include things you absolutely won’t do, as well as things you will make a strong effort to do.
Not sure where to start? Here are some categories and questions to guide your conversation:
- How was your time use and level of busy? Start by giving an overall grade, then discuss details.
- Was anything special or memorable? Can you do it, or something similar, next year?
- Did you spend too much? What should you cut back on next year? What should be cut out?
- Did you eat way too much? How will you deal with that, and how will you do better next year?
- How was time with family? Was it good, or good but too much? Was it aggravating or painful? Was it hard on the kids? What will you do differently next year?
- Do you feel the kids got what they should have out of the season? If not, what was missing? What should you avoid or add next year?
- Did either of you struggle with depression? Was that dealt with well? How could it be better addressed?
- How did your marriage fare? Did you have enough couple time? Did you get snippy with each other? Was sex a casualty? What would you like to do to change those things next year?
Please do some self-care and marriage care the next few days to recover.
~ This is Paul, and dissecting the past helps us Do Life Well .
Desk kitty is watching!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 25, 2025 | Christmas
Podcast: https://bit.ly/44HStgD
Today, in the midst of the busy, I pray you are aware of the coming of Christ and what that means for you, your marriage, and the world.
May the love of Jesus burn in you with renewed force and grow throughout the next year. And may that love overflow into your marriage and your home.
~ This is Paul, celebrating the reason for the season!
Our new church building was ready for Christmas Eve!
First time in years we got everyone in for one service.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 24, 2025 | Christmas
Podcast: https://bit.ly/49apQtQ
I want to encourage you to carve out a bit of time for just you and your spouse tonight. If the kids are young, that could be after they are in bed. If they’re older, you could go to bed early.
What you do will depend on you. A warm drink and a special dessert would be nice. Time in front of the fireplace or Christmas tree could be good. Soft Christmas music seems obvious.
The real goal is to make a moment for your spouse and your marriage. Express your love. If you have a special gift, you could share it at this time. Snuggling is a must.
But honestly, the setting matters less than the intention. Before the happy insanity of Christmas Day runs you over like a rabid reindeer, wish the gift God gave you, your spouse, a very Merry Christmas.
~ This is Paul wishing you a very marriage-positive Christmas.
Mt Spokane at dusk. The white stripes are ski runs.
This was taken from the lowlands, where the snow has all melted!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 23, 2025 | Christmas
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4qrweE4
Another out-of-the-box gift idea is to promise to work on something that bothers your spouse. But be aware this is a risky gift. Pulling it off could become one of the best gifts you ever give your spouse. But if you fail, it will become a big disappointment. Promising to change and then not doing it hurts. It also reduces trust.
So, if you are inclined to do this, please, please, please think and pray before you say anything to your spouse. Can you really do it? Are you going to stick with your commitment even when something unexpected blows up your life?
One great way to give this gift is to just do it without saying anything about it. Decide what you will do. You might even write out a plan. Then do it, and wait for your spouse to ask what’s going on. Or do it long enough and well enough that it’s clear you mean it, and then tell them what you’re doing.
What behaviour would your spouse really like you to change? Maybe it’s a bad habit. What do you not do that they would like you to do? What do you do rarely that they would like you to do more often?
So what might this look like practically?
If you’re messy and your spouse is not, being less messy would be a great gift. But set reasonable goals for yourself. Select areas of the house where you will fight mess with all you have, and areas where you will give yourself grace. Learn to avoid messes rather than getting better at picking things up in less than a week.
If your parents have been a problem for your marriage, determining to stop that would be a gift that would keep on giving. Do ask yourself if you’re up to the task. There’s a reason you have not pushed back before; are you ready to move past that, no matter what the cost?
If you’re chronically late, changing that would be an amazing gift. But again, are you up for it? Why you run late may not be about what you think. Are you ready to go down that path regardless of what you find?
And of course, there’s sex. This could be more sex if you’re the lower-drive spouse. It could be initiating if you don’t say no, but don’t ever start things. It could be deciding you will never again ask for or hint you want that thing your spouse doesn’t want to do. Or it could be ending your porn use once and for all.
Are you ready to give your spouse a gift they will treasure for the rest of their life?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well can be costly.
Gotta sled while there’s snow!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 22, 2025 | Christmas
12Podcast: https://bit.ly/4jfhPsk
Let’s talk about out-of-the-box gift ideas.
A couple of weeks ago, I told you that experiences make better gifts than things. I also mentioned that shared experiences are good for your marriage. Experiences are one kind of out-of-the-box gift.
You can also gift your spouse with something you will do for them. This is particularly good for someone whose love language is acts of service. Gift certificates or coupons are a great way to give these gifts – more on that below. First, a few ideas to get you thinking:
- Back rubs
- Doing one of their chores
- A meal out
- Coffee or tea on demand
- Twenty minutes of engaged conversation
- A walk together
- A long, no-strings-attached hug
- If you’re the lower-drive spouse, sex acts are a great gift. If you’re the higher-drive spouse, not so much.
Most out-of-the-box gifts can’t be wrapped. Giving such a gift can be done with a gift certificate. Put it in a nice envelope, and you can put it under the tree, in a stocking, or on your spouse’s pillow. We have some nice certificates you can use. Download as PDF and write what you want after you print them. Download the DOC files, and you can add text before you print.
If you give a variety of gift certificates, add a few wildcards. One such certificate could be good for any certificate already used. Another could be open-ended, allowing your spouse to ask for anything within whatever guidelines you set. Or you could give an extra-time certificate; that would turn a fifteen-minute back rub into half an hour or a short stroll into a longer walk.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Christmas Gifts Well looks different for every couple.
We continue to make progress on our donations goal, now at $6803. Can you send a financial gift our way?
Winter has the best sunsets:
I pulled off the road and stood on the bumper of the truck to get this shot. Totally worth it!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 12, 2025 | Christmas
Podcast:https://bit.ly/4oTrzcW
The holiday season can quietly harm your marriage. Not through one big crisis, but through death by a thousand small intrusions. One of the dangers of this season is that the busyness intrudes on your marriage. Perhaps that is unavoidable to some degree, but I suggest you be intentional about how much you allow it to happen. If you’re not proactive, activities will steal time that should be reserved for your spouse. This will hurt your marriage, and that’s not okay.
One potential issue is a difference of opinion about how much time you and your spouse need. And it’s not just total time; it’s how you spend that time. One may be okay with cutting back more on date nights and sitting together talking than the other. And one may be willing to cut back on sex more than the other. If either spouse was already frustrated about the amount of time devoted to what they want and need, any holiday reduction will really hurt.
As should always be the case, you must both be open and honest about your needs. When something is not being met, speak up. Don’t wait for it to get really bad, speak up as soon as you notice it. Be kind, but don’t let it slide.
Beyond busyness, the holidays bring situations that can interfere with your marriage. Here are some of them, and ways to deal with them.
- House-guests impinge on time and privacy, making it more work to get marriage time. You will have to make couple time a priority, and be willing to offend those who don’t respect that priority. You don’t have to justify or explain, simply inform.
- House-guests are especially hard on your sex life. You have to get to bed with both the time and energy for sex. One solution is morning sex. Make guests responsible for their own breakfast and use the time for cuddling, talking, and/or having sex.
- A lock on your bedroom door is a must with guests. Even if you have no reason to think they will walk in, it will make her more relaxed. A portable door lock made for travel can be used without any installation. I’ve seen them at both Walmart and Home Depot for under $25.00, and much less expensive online.
- Privacy in terms of sound can be a problem. This is especially true for sex, but can also be a problem for just talking. Cover noise can help. Put on an instrumental Christmas mix. You can also leave the home for couple time. Run to the store together, and talk in the car. Perhaps stop for coffee and donuts on your way.
- Grab a shower together. You have both privacy and cover sound.
- If you will have guests for a week or more and sex won’t happen at home, you could grab a hotel room for an hour if you are both down for that.
- Don’t think all or none. A few minutes talking is better than nothing. And a quickie is better than no sex. Don’t skip intimacy entirely because you don’t have time for proper sex or dates.
- If the problem is the kids being home from school, get a babysitter and send them to the movies. Or, if they are old enough, drop them. Guys, make it your job to drop and pick up so she can relax and get in a sexy frame of mind if that is part of how you plan to spend the time.
- Another option for children is to trade childcare with another couple for date nights, or even a sleep-over.
I’m all about hospitality. But I’m also all about marriage. Find a good balance. Your marriage won’t do well on autopilot during the holidays. But with creativity and commitment, you can protect what matters most.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Queen Tilly is not amused:
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
