by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 26, 2026 | Circumstances
Podcast: https://paulb5d.podbean.com/e/when-life-gets-in-the-way-keeping-sex-alive-in-marriage/
There are numerous applications of under-the-circumstances changes we should apply in our sex lives.
How do you and your spouse see sex? If it’s just a way to deal with your physical sex drives, you’re missing out. Sex should be a powerful, intimate way of connecting. Ideally you both see it as one of the important ways you keep your marriage close and loving. If that is how you see it, then being ready to protect it and keep it going is important. If you haven’t discussed how you see sex, I suggest you do so.
Several times this week I talked about doing something in a small way to keep it alive as something you do as a couple. This makes it easy to get back to how it was when the circumstance preventing it have passed. The same is true for sex, and perhaps even more important. We’ve dealt with couples who could not have sex for a time who found it difficult to start back up when they could. Even though both wanted to.
Beyond the mental, use it or lose it is a reality for sexual function, especially as we get older. A couple of studies have suggested that women who have less sex go through menopause earlier, and a lack of sex can cause thinning of tissues of the vulva and atrophy of the vagina. For men, erections keep the penis healthy, and fewer erections can result in less firm erections or full-on ED. For both men and women, getting out of the habit of sex can be the end of sex.
An important issue is how we define sex. It’s not just intercourse, and it need not include either spouse having an orgasm for it to be sex. Just as with other things, it’s important to keep sex alive in some way when you can’t do what you both want to do. That means doing something together, rather than one spouse masturbating in private.
One easy thing to do is fondle each other. Touch breasts and genitals in a loving way. Enjoy touching your spouse, and enjoy being touched. A few minutes of that before going to sleep or upon waking up in the morning is being sexual, and it keeps you in the habit. Of course you can take it further if either of you gets aroused. Do it for your spouse, help them do it, or hug them while they do it.
Intercourse is not just another sex act. Science has shown our bodies react differently to intercourse than to other forms of sex. I think this is also true mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Intercourse is the ultimate act of two becoming one, and it’s important to engage in some form of it when we can. Some form might, on some occasions, mean him in her with little or no movement and no orgasms. In addition to what it will do for both spouses in non-physical ways, it can help their bodies stay functional.
Aside from one of you not being able to have sex, keeping sex alive is also important when you’re too busy for the kind or frequency of sex you want to have. It’s both tempting and easy to take care of yourselves as needed, but this makes sex all about you, and that’s not a good habit to form. Quickies, handjobs, and masturbating together are all better options because each is a couple sex act.
I know couples who set a time limit on how long they will go without having sex. When they hit that limit, they have sex even if neither of them feels like it. And yes, that can happen. They do it because they know it’s important for their marriage, and because they want to remain sexual for the rest of their marriage. This goes back to how we see sex.
Do you see sex as a bonus, or an important lifelong part of your marriage?
~ This is Paul, and the long view helps us Do Sex Well.
Some of our onions
Including a few overachievers!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 25, 2026 | Circumstances
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4hLPCtL
Let’s look at two more ways some couples go against what “everyone does” because their circumstances make it a better choice. Both of these will get you criticised or looked down on. One by church folks, the other by the world.
Mr. Mom: I have several male friends who stayed home with kids while their wives earned money. For each couple, this was the best choice for multiple years. One of these guys was a cop, so it’s not like he was a “sissy” or unwilling to work. In another instance, the husband was recovering from a significant medical issue that made him impossible to employ in his field. The kids were young, but old enough they didn’t push him past what he could do physically.
The struggle here is the idea that the husband is supposed to provide for his family and the wrong thinking that a man staying at home with the kids is not doing that. My thinking is a real man does what is best for his family, even if that is unusual or looked down on.
BTW, all these men told me caring for the kids was the hardest job they ever had. Stay-at-home parents rock!
Less Is More: We live in a consumer society. Many people judge success, happiness, worth, and value by the material possessions someone has. Judging people this way is contrary to the Bible. What’s more, pursuing great wealth is not advocated by Jesus or any New Testament writer. But we’re influenced by the cultural waters in which we swim, and few of us are free of this mindset.
The problem is more stuff requires more money. And more money requires working more hours. I realise some couples could not provide a minimal, safe life for their kids if only one of them worked full time. But for many couples where both work full time, it’s about having more or better, not what is necessary. Likewise for some of the parents who work both a full-time and a part-time job, or who takes every minute of overtime they can get.
Usually the issue is living beyond our means, which is a cultural obsession in the US. Living in a small simple place in a safe neighbourhood isn’t enough. We need bigger and better. We need more things, better vacations, and all the toys. I’m not opposed to any of those things, but we need to understand the cost of having them. Not the price tag cost, but the time cost. Might our kids be better off having us home every evening? Would more time with us all year be better for them than a week with us on a fantastic vacation? Would being able to make their games and recitals bless them more than a new gaming system?
All of these questions should also be asked about time with your spouse. Is “a better life” worth more time together? What would your spouse say if you asked them that question?
Where are you doing what everyone does because that’s how it’s done? Would your kids and/or marriage benefit from you bucking the trend and doing it differently?
~ This is Paul, and following your culture may not be Doing Marriage Well.
The pigs are in their new enclosure.
And having their first batch of sunflowers.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 24, 2026 | Circumstances
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4y1CTs5
Years ago Lori and I cared for my mom in her home with the help of hospice. We thought it would be one to four months. It was nine. Neither of us is sorry we did it, but it was difficult. We went into it determined it was not going to hurt our marriage, and we managed that well.
A big issue was making time for us. Mom was bedridden but needed things through the day. We could never guarantee half an hour uninterrupted. However, she was sleeping long hours and never needed help overnight. So we hit on a plan.
After she watched the ten o’clock news, we tucked her in, and then it was us time. We’d spend a couple of hours together, unwinding and staying connected. This meant we were late getting up but still got up before mom. I was self-employed doing landscape and irrigation and was able to shift my work time. So it was an odd schedule, but it was a good thing for us under the circumstances.
We got some grief from the “early to bed, early to rise” crowd. And it did mean I wasn’t able to work in the cool part of the day, or ever finish before the worst heat. But I felt my marriage was more important.
When you do things in an unusual way, you will get pushback. Some of it comes from well-meaning folks who assume what works for most people should work for you. Telling such people about your circumstances might talk them down; or it might not. Others will tell you that you are wrong. There is a right way to do it, and your way is not right. These folks don’t care about your circumstances. And these folks may hint, if not outright claim, that the way they think you should do it is God’s way. Not that they can show you a scripture to support that; it’s just one of those things “every good Christian knows“.
I want to encourage you to put your spouse and your marriage ahead of folks who think they know better. Tell them kindly, ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’ If they don’t back off, tell them less kindly to drop it. Let them walk away muttering; their opinions aren’t your problem unless you allow them to be.
It’s your job to figure out how to do your marriage well, and that includes making changes to accommodate circumstances. If someone thinks you’re doing your marriage wrong, let them. Unusual circumstances can call for unusual solutions.
And yes, there are things that are wrong or always a bad idea. But that list is not nearly as long as some try to make it.
~ This is Paul, and a lot of folks told Jesus He was doing it wrong
Yet Another Sunset
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 22, 2026 | Circumstances
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46EaVXV
Much of what I advocate for is not always possible due to circumstances. And I’m probably not as good at mentioning that as I would like.
As one example, I’m big on date nights. I think couples should get out together most weeks. Get away from the house, and from the kids if you have any at home.
However, going out is more and more expensive. Restaurants are more expensive, entertainment is more expensive, and the fuel needed to get from here to there is more expensive. And if you need childcare, that’s become a significant expense. Busyness can be another issue. If you’re always too busy for a date night, your life is too busy, and it’s hurting you and your marriage. But there are seasons of busyness that can’t be avoided.
When circumstances make regular date nights impossible, don’t just dump the idea. Do a picnic, or find a free concert in the park. Lori gathered a long list of inexpensive date ideas. Exchange child sitting with another couple, get takeout, and do some Netflix and chill.
Save up and try for one date night a month to keep it something you do. And when life changes to allow for more normal date nights, be quick to do that.
I also talk about taking a yearly vacation. As in somewhere else, and without the kids. I’m all about family vacations, but your marriage needs a couple version. At the very least, you should get a long weekend away together once a year. A full week, or several weekends, is better.
But all the things I said about date nights can make vacations difficult or impossible. Maybe you can swap kids with another couple, get a low-cost hotel an hour and a half away and pack food. But even that might be difficult at times.
Please do what you can to keep the idea of vacations together alive when circumstances make them impossible. A 36-hour staycation, for example. Or talk and plan for a future vacation. Start a fund to pay for it, and sacrifice something each week to put money in the fund. St. Arbucks can survive without you!
You may have noticed the issue of keeping the idea alive in each of these examples. This is about acknowledging the circumstance that prevents something but not accepting necessary adjustments as a permanent change.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The turkeys really love their peas.
Cull peas are peas that don’t make human-grade. We buy them dry inexpensively, soak them 24 hours, and it’s a high-protein addition to their diet.
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 21, 2026 | Circumstances
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47fi553
Our doctor recently prescribed a milkshake for my wife. Really!
Her ongoing medical issues have caused an unhealthy level of weight loss. He prescribed a drug to help her be better able to eat, and said to go get the most calorie bang for her buck she could. I said, “A milkshake?” and he said, “Exactly.”
Clearly this is not normal medical advice. It was what was best under the circumstances. We are working to get her the calories she needs in a better way. But for the moment the doctor was more concerned with calories than nutrition.
Sometimes what is normally best practice is not the way to go under the circumstances. This is true for all aspects of life, including our marriages.
If Lori decided to live on milkshakes, that would be a problem. When the medical issue is resolved, she needs to return to getting good nutrition. What we are doing now is unusual and only a good choice because of the circumstances.
There will be times in your marriage where you can’t do what would normally be best. There will be times when what is normally expected would be harmful. The trick to dealing with this is twofold. First, you have to see the unusual circumstances, what they mean, and how to adapt. Second, you have to see when the circumstances have passed so you can return to something more appropriate for most of the time. Some open discussions will help you do this well.
My wife has not done any housework for several weeks. That is right, and I’d stop her if she tried. But when this is all over, it would be wrong for her to leave me doing everything. That’s not who she is, but new habits form, and she will need to be intentional to return to her old habits.
Think about your marriage. Is there an unusual circumstance in your marriage that would benefit from doing something that would normally not be a good idea? Did this happen in the past, but you didn’t get back to or all the way back to normal when the circumstance passed? I’ll give some examples the rest of the week, but I wanted y’all to think about your marriage first.
~ This is Paul, and accommodating is Doing Marriage Well.
You might be a homesteader if…
Rendering some fat from last year’s pig. Got three quarts!
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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