by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 24, 2025 | Coaching, concept
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4o588hs
So what does sex coaching look like?
Pretty much the same as marriage coaching. You express your concern or problem. The coach works to clarify the issue. Information or suggestions are offered. A goal may be established. Then the couple goes home to give it a try.
One of the challenges with sex is most folks don’t know nearly as much about human sexuality as they should. Most of us got less than adequate sex education growing up. Most of us got more miss-education from porn, popular media, and friends than we got factual information. Some folks don’t know enough about their own sexually, and far less about their spouse’s sexuality.
I recall one woman who was losing her mind because her husband got erections while he was sleep. She was afraid she was not satisfying him, and he was going to get a lover or leave her. She was laying awake at night, regularly checking him to see if he was erect. When we explained that men get erections during every dream they have, she felt so much better!
Lori and I have “solved” months of frustration for couples by suggesting a penis ring, a new position, or a vibrator. Other times all that’s needed is a bit of sexual biology or talking about how men and women differ sexually.
Some couples just need a safe place to talk about sex. A coach can help overcome embarrassment and provide a framework to discuss what each spouse feels and desires. Some couples resolve their issue with each other once a coach has helped them start talking. And, some couples are looking for help to determine if certain sex acts are acceptable to God.
All of that said, often when a couple comes to us for help with sex, it quickly becomes obvious they have marriage problems that are causing or complicating the sexual issue. Sometimes resolving the marriage issue makes the sex issue go away. Other times it makes dealing with the sex issue far easier. As a bonus, resolving sexual problems can bear fruit in the marriage beyond sex.
Yes, Lori and I do sex coaching. If it’s just a sex problem, it can probably be resolved with one or a few sessions. As with marriage in general, sex coaching can also help you move from good to great.
~ This is Paul, and coaching can help you do both Marriage and Sex Well!!
Had a nice halo around the sun when Widget and I went out the other morning.
The picture does not do it justice.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 23, 2025 | Coaching
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4o4mCy9
One of the frustrations of anyone who works with married couples is that most folks wait way too long to get help. The problem gets bigger as frustration and anger grow. These emotions, along with the distance they can cause, bring on more problems. When the couple does get help, they may have dozens of issues, and may not even remember what started the cascade.
If you get help early, the process will be faster and easier. Sooner is better.
I suspect the delay in seeking help is often largely about shame. We live in a world of bad marriages, we’re possibly children of divorced parents, and for some reason we think we should know how to have a good marriage all on our own.
Beyond needing help to save your marriage, coaching is an excellent way to make any marriage better. It’s like deciding you want to improve your golf game; if you aren’t doing as well as you’d like, you need some help. It’s a joy to watch a couple with a good marriage find ways to be even happier.
Coaching works for couples of all ages. Lori and I have worked with newlyweds, retired couples and everything in between. Life changes such as the birth of a baby, all the kids being in school, having teenagers, and the empty nest are good times to examine and adjust. A couple of meetings with a coach can make doing that easier.
You may have seen me promote a once a year “check-up” with a coach. Aldrich ministries now offers a check-up, at a great price. This is a good way to see potential problems before they become a big deal. It can be used to help you set goals, and it gives you a way to track how your marriage is doing.
Yes, I’m pushing coaching. I think it’s a fantastic tool. I wish Lori, and I’d had such a thing forty years ago. We could have saved ourselves a lot of pain and struggle and got to a great marriage so much faster. I think that is why I am so big on others getting help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is a skill you can improve.
Lori titled this picture “Will look derpy for belly scritches”.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Loir Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 22, 2025 | Coaching
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47ewIW4
The most valuable thing about a marriage coach is he or she is an objective third party with no dog in your marriage fight. This is especially true if neither of you knows the coach prior to coaching.
None of us sees ourselves as we are. We may tend to justify things we do, while being too harsh about what our spouse does. Or perhaps we’re too hard on ourselves, and too willing to let our spouse’s wrongs go. Both of these get in the way of a better marriage. An experienced coach will see these issues, and help you see them.
A coach can also help you and your spouse find common ground. A third party can help you sort through the hurt feelings, fears, and anger to get to the real issue. A coach can suggest one of you is being unfair. They can also point to places where one of you is missing what the other is saying or feeling. Sometimes the coach does not immediately understand what the disconnect is, but they can tell the couple is not on the same page. This then allows the couple to work on the issue.
A coach can provide a safe place to say scary or difficult things. Or to sound out feelings that are not fully understood by the one expressing those feelings. A good coach will perceive when one spouse is getting overwhelmed, and can help the couple avoid flooding or anger.
Working with a married couple who coach together is good because you get the benefit of both a male and a female perspective. The female coach can help explain the wife to the husband, and the other way around for the male coach. It’s also easier to call BS on the same sex spouse than the opposite sex one.
If you work with a husband and wife, you may do some one-on-one with the same sex coach. But most of the coaching will probably be the four of you.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Some of our carrots got rather large. (That’s a full size shovel.)
The outside was fine, and the woody cores went to the rabbits. We got over 100 pounds (45 kg) of carrots, most of them now freeze-dried.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 21, 2025 | Coaching
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3WO3HLX
Having differentiated marriage coaching from marriage therapy and marriage counselling, today I want to discuss what marriage couching looks like. The idea behind things like life or business coaching is that the client has the answers, and the coach help them find those answers. This means a skilled business coach need know nothing about a person’s industry to help them find ways to do better.
I see marriage coaching differently. I see it more along the lines of what a coach does for an athlete. The coach knows “the game” and knows ways to help each player reach their full potential.
Google’s explanation of marriage coaching is what I do:
Marriage coaching is a forward-looking process where a couple works with a coach to identify and achieve specific relationship goals, enhance communication, and build a stronger foundation. A marriage coach teaches couples tools to manage struggles, resolve conflicts, and better understand each other.
- Goal-oriented: The focus is specific goals. That could be better communication, more time together, dealing with financial stress, or improving sex. With a goal set, the couple works together to achieve it.
- Present and future focus: There may be some looking back to see why certain things happen, but primarily you deal with present issues and building skills to for a better marriage in the future.
- Skill-based: Coaching offers practical tools. You learn ways to communicate better, deal with conflict, or make time for things you want to do together.
- Partnership approach: The coach acts as a guide to help the couple improve their marriage. Coaching is tailored to whom each husband and wife are, and what they want.
- Action-oriented: Coaching is active, with specific steps to improve your relationship. Homework is common, and the coach may email or text you between sessions to nudge or encourage you.
If you think coaching could help you improve your marriage, Lori and I would be glad to work with you. It’s possible to start with one spouse, but for coaching to bring about significant changes, both of you will need to be onboard.
~ This is Paul, and when it comes to Doing Marriage Well, I know “the game”.
More fall colour.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 20, 2025 | Coaching
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4hmybOT
I’ve been using AI to check my posts to improve readability. It also suggests changes or things I’ve missed. I reject most of what it says, but I do find it helpful.
The last couple of weeks, as I talked about moving towards a great marriage, AI has repeatedly told me I was failing to give solutions or clear action steps.
So this week, I want to talk about one good solution to many marriage problems: marriage coaching. And full disclosure, Lori and I do marriage and sex coaching.
Today, let me explain how marriage coaching differs from marriage therapy or counselling. All therapy is done by a licensed professional. The same is true for most counselling, but this is not true for pastoral or biblical counselling.
One difference that comes from this is coaching is usually much less expensive. But there is more to it than that. While therapy is about treating something, coaching is about growth. If your marriage is suffering from ongoing anger, then therapy is needed. If your marriage is suffering because of selfishness, coaching will help.
Therapy focuses on insight and understanding. Coaching may or may not bring about those things, but the goal is change. Understanding why you’re sometimes a jerk to your spouse is nice, but it doesn’t magically bring about change. On the other hand, you can change harmful behaviour without figuring out why you do it.
Therapy and counselling tend to be a longer term than coaching. Coaching may be off and on; when you resolve one issue, you may walk in that for a time before working on a new issue.
Both therapy and coaching can be helpful. Most marriage situations don’t need therapy, and in some situations it’s a bad fit.
~ This is Paul, and getting help to Do Marriage Well is a good plan.
Making room to cure out 350 pounds of Russet potatoes.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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