by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 14, 2025 | conclusions, StoryWork
Story work can be a powerful tool for improving our sex lives. With a trained coach, it’s a good way of dealing with past sexual trauma. You examine how your six or sixteen-year-old self thought and felt about what happened, including all the lies and false guilt. Then you look at those things with adult understanding and work to deal with the shame, fear, and guilt you still carry.
Story work can also help you understand sexual preferences, like that sex act you desire so strongly, the position you hate, or why you see lingerie as a must-do or a never-do thing. Understanding may not end those preferences, but it will weaken them, and will make it easier for you and your spouse to deal with them sanely.
If there’s no significant trauma, you and your spouse have a good sex life, and you’re both comfortable talking about sexual things, doing story work about sex together could bring you closer and improve your sex life. If you want to go there, start with easy stuff, and go slow. I’d suggest such story work be separate from having sex.
Sexual story work isn’t all past sex stories. It might be body-shaming events. It could be about getting teased at school. Or hearing about something a friend experienced. Our sexuality is shaped by far more than our sexual experience and exposure, so cast a wide net as you look for the roots of what you desire or avoid today.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that grace and empathy are critical!
Just when you think it’s safe to go outside again…
Of course, it was well above freezing, so it was all gone shortly after it stopped falling.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 13, 2025 | conclusions, StoryWork
So I’ve given you a crash course in story work. There are several things you could do with that. You might think you would benefit from dong some story work with a coach. Or perhaps you would like to learn more. Or maybe you and your spouse are ready to give it a try with each other. If you want to kick it around, I’d suggest you learn more together first.
I think story work is a powerful tool, and I can’t recommend it enough. Lori and I are going to be doing it with a couple of friends.
Lori and I have had some basic training, but not enough we would story work with others. However, many of the folks at Aldrich Ministries are well-trained and doing story work with clients. Kate Aldrich is doing a story work group for women that starts soon. Last I talked with her, she had a few openings. Or get on the waiting list for the next one. Brad Aldrich is interested in doing a similar group for men. If you’re interested, sign up for more information.
The Allender Center has multiple resources on story work. This link goes to a 36-minute audio on The Role of Story, and there are other resources listed on the page. If you want to try story work in your marriage, do check these out.
~ This is Paul, and every marriage is its own story
Tilly’s nemesis Zelda being cute again.
Tilly needs to up her game!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 12, 2025 | conclusions, StoryWork
One of the risks of sharing our stories is that they will be used against us. Dismissing your spouse by telling them what they are doing or feeling now is just because of their story is a deep betrayal.
You may well be able to see how something today flows from or is being shaped by your spouse’s story. Please use that information to help them. It should affect what you say and do in certain situations. It should also let you know when your spouse needs to be pampered or given something that relaxes them or makes them feel loved.
If you have a great deal of trust, you can grant permission to be asked if something is being influenced by the other’s story. Be gentle, and ask, don’t tell. And don’t push if they say, “No, it’s not that.” If they say you’re right, ask if you can help. If the answer is no, give a hug and move on.
From the other side, as you become more aware of your own story, you will see how it sometimes pushes you to do something that confuses or hurts your spouse. Saying, “I’m sorry, I’m reacting out of my story” doesn’t make that okay, but it can make grace and forgiveness easier.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that every marriage is different
If you know what this is, you’re excited for us.
Last year we proved we can grow a lot of food. Now we have a freeze drier to help us preserve it. And yes, that’s Skittles – they puff up when freeze-dried and the grandkids can’t wait.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 7, 2025 | conclusions
Does your family of origin effect the sex life you have today with your spouse? It does, and probably far more than you realise.
While your parents didn’t play out their sex life in front of you, they gave plenty of clues. One study found college age kids were very accurate at guessing how often their parents had sex. If mom did all she could to avoid sex, the kids knew that. If either parent was sex starved, the kids had some awareness of that. If either parent was uptight about sex, that was communicated in multiple ways.
Your parents also played a big part in your body image, which impacts how sexually free you feel. If your genitals were treated as dirty or shameful, that’s hurting your sex life with your husband or wife.
Then there’s the purity culture, which was big in the ’90s, and is still practiced by some today. It was no doubt well-meaning, but it went way too far. It caused all manner of fear and self-loathing. Many went into marriage with the idea that sex is a necessary evil, and sexual passion is sin, even when it’s aimed at your spouse.
Lori and I have heard honeymoon horror stories that make us weep. And we’ve talked to couples who are still struggling with these problems a decade down the road.
God intended sex as a gift that would bring a couple together. Mutual desire and enjoyment was His plan. But the lies of man get in the way of God’s plan.
As with any lie, the way to change is to learn and repeat the truth. The Song of Songs is an entire book of the Bible devoted to sexual love. In chapter five, at the pinnacle of the song, God says to the couple:
Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love! (SS 5:1b ESV)
The idea is to be so carried away by sex that you’re like a drunk, with no restraint. The Hebrew word means a state of revelry or excessive indulgence. This is God’s truth. Anything else is a lie that we must reject.
Of course, actually undoing decades of living a lie is far more difficult than just stating the truth. A freer sex life is a slow journey with road blocks and detours. If you find you can’t do it on your own, get help.
Finally, this is not about doing sex “right”; it’s about doing it well. Find what works for your marriage, and ignore what anyone else might think about it.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that every sex life is different
This is a replacement for a T-shirt I had Lori make for me two years ago.
I get a lot of comments when I wear this. If you like it, you can get one here.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 5, 2025 | conclusions, ThePast
Another thing you bring into your marriage from your family of origin is attachment style, which is how you relate to others. There are four attachment styles.
Secure attachment comes from feeling secure growing up, and being able to ask for reassurance or validation without fear of belittling or punishment. Those with this style of attachment navigate marriage well. They tend to be positive, trusting, and loving to their spouses.
Avoidant, dismissive, or anxious attachment comes from caregivers being absent or emotionally distant. This could be full on neglect, or it could also be because a parent is too busy, such as a single mother. This results in the person becoming independent and self-reliant. In marriage, these people have a difficult time connecting, and may avoid emotional or physical intimacy.
Anxious, ambivalent, or preoccupied attachment comes from inconsistent parenting, or parents who are unaware of the child’s needs. The children often feel confused, with no idea how to move forward in life. As adults, these people feel too responsible for the needs and feelings of others. This leads to codependency. Jealousy and fear of abandonment are common.
Disorganized attachment comes from trauma, neglect, or abuse during childhood. In marriage, these individuals may be unpredictable or engage in confusing behaviour. They may push their spouse away out of fear or thinking they don’t deserve love.
As you read these, did you easily identify your attachment style based on how you grew up? What about your spouse’s style? A quick online test can help you narrow down where you both are now.
I’m sure you can see how any attachment style other than secure will cause marriage issues. Individuals with other attachment styles often see the strengths about how they are, such as being independent or supportive. The goal is to keep good things like this while learning to have a healthier attachment style.
Attachment styles can be a marriage killer. If you suspect this is a problem in your marriage, please get help!
For more, I strongly suggest a four part series from The Allender Centre.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that change is possible
This is Zelda, who lives down the hill with our grandkids.
I think she is taunting Tilly in this picture! I wonder what her attachment style is?
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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by Lori | Feb 21, 2025 | conclusions
SPOUSES ARE #1 – (Day 6 of 6)
(Need to start at the beginning? Day 1)
How did your week go? What did you learn? Were you able to bless your spouse?
Learning and practicing is an ongoing work for me. A part of it is that my spouse changes and grows over time. The other part is that I’m changing and growing too. 🙂
Some of the basics remain, like my husband’s love language is words of affirmation and he will forever be looking for adventure, but how that plays out is expressed differently as the seasons of life change.
So how I love on him and give him priority changes a bit as the seasons of life change as well.
Have a great weekend!
I sat down and had a serious talk with Tilly to see if she would remain on the blog when it moves to new management.
She said she would think about it. (I’m pretty sure she is holding out for treats in her contract.)
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Image credits – happy couple © zakiroff / Adobe Stock, Tilly thinking about it © Lori / Doing Marriage Well
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