by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 25, 2026 | Counterproductive
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4t71cCI
More on compromise today.
Often, we find ourselves at odds because one or both of us suffer from emotional wounds. The issue of extroversion and introversion I have been discussing is not about brokenness, but it may be exaggerated due to past injury. With other things, our desire for something, or our desire to avoid it, may be mostly or entirely about ways we were hurt long before we met our spouse.
It’s humbling to admit to ourselves that we want what we want because of something that needs healing. It’s especially difficult when we admit that what we want costs our spouse.
You needing something, or needing to avoid it, because of past injury is not bad or wrong. It’s also not selfish, and you should be honest about your feelings instead of just doing what your spouse wants. Admitting why you feel as you do to your spouse is a brave and beneficial thing. It may feel embarrassing. It may feel like it puts you at a disadvantage. But if your spouse won’t use it against you to get what they want, it can make the situation easier.
We can deal with childhood injuries, work through the pain, and find transformation. Telling your spouse that your past is why you want what you want is promising to deal with your injury. There is no guarantee that your desire will do a 180, but if you get healing, it will be easier for you to do or not do whatever.
Actually getting healing can be a difficult task. It means being brutally honest with yourself about our past. That may mean admitting someone was not as nice or caring as you have told yourself. It could also shine a light on something selfish, harmful, or destructive that you did.
Issues like this often come from repeated events that happened over many years. Certain patterns can play out in our young lives, beating us down and creating in us defensiveness, desires, or weaknesses that are not an inherent part of who God made us. But when we get hit the same way over and over, we start to accept that what this creates in us is a fundamental part of who we are. Once we get there, we lose the ability to recognise the behaviour or thinking as alien.
Talking with your spouse may help you expose some of this. But many folks will need a trained third party for that. Story work is a great tool for this, and I recommend the folks at Aldrich Ministries for that.
~ This is Paul, and dealing with your past makes it far easier to Do Marriage Well.
Set out a live trap, as we thought we might have lost some eggs. And today I saw this:
Didn’t catch an egg thief, and egg counts are right. But how did a hen get in there, lay an egg, and get back out only tripping the trap after it was outside?
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 15, 2026 | Counterproductive
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4lvSDPk
A bonus post today.
As I wrote about criticism, I realised there was a side issue that needed to be addressed. Do you complain to your spouse about things over which they have no control? It could be politics, work, or how people drive. (Can you guess which of those I do?)
Sharing frustration with someone we share life with is natural. In small doses, it’s not an issue. But when it becomes a constant stream, it’s a problem.
I speak here out of guilt. My wife let me know, more than once, that she was tired of me always complaining. And there’s a vicious cycle at work. When I complain about something to her, I want a response. If she is silent, that pushes me to keep complaining!
What’s weird here is I don’t think of myself as all that negative. But when I look at my wife’s complaints about my complaints, I see she is right. For me, I believe this is learned behaviour. My mother complained about everything and everyone, and I picked up the habit. I suspect at a young age it was an attempt to make her like me.
The other thing is I talk a lot. Much of what goes on between my ears spills out of my mouth. And when what is happening between ears is critical, then that comes out.
Understanding why I do this doesn’t make it acceptable. But looking at it honestly has pushed me to change in two ways. First, I work to complain less to my wife. And second, I am trying to change what goes on in my head.
Is this a negative dynamic in your marriage? If your spouse has told you, even once, that you complain too much, believe them.
~ This is Paul, and apparently endless complaining is not Doing Marriage Well
Woke to this:
Past 4 inches by dinner time.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 12, 2026 | Counterproductive
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4b8AXFR
Another counterproductive marriage behaviour is nagging.
Nagging is the act of persistently annoying, scolding, or urging someone to complete a task, often characterised by constant, repetitive complaints or fault-finding.
Like the tailgater who can’t make the car ahead go faster, or the driver who speeds up to block someone passing, nagging is another behaviour where our instinct works against our goal. The more you push, the less you get.
Criticism and nagging are similar but distinct enough to warrant separate coverage. As with criticism, nagging can be because of a real problem, or it can be a way of expressing frustration that may have little or nothing to do with what you nag about.
If nagging is how you express that you don’t like the way things are, you need to find a new approach. Proxy grievances don’t make you feel better and won’t bring about the change your marriage needs. But nagging can be the death of your marriage by a thousand cuts.
Some folks learn nagging as a tactic. For others, it’s a habit learned from a parent. Neither of these is good for a marriage.
On the other hand, if what you are nagging about is hurting you or your marriage, then it needs to be dealt with. But if you have been working at that by nagging, your spouse has become immune to the issue.
If you want to see change, you will need to change your approach. The most important change you need to make may be believing you deserve to have the issue resolved. Often nagging carries a good dose of resignation with it
As for approaching your spouse, one option would be to confess you have been nagging and that doing so has been wrong. Say you are going to try to deal with things better moving forward. Then bring up one issue you really want to change. Explain why it’s a problem for you, and what you need to happen.
If you’re on the receiving end of nagging, understand that unless it’s a learned habit, nagging is an indication your spouse is unhappy. What they nag about may seem minor, and it may be unimportant. Nagging is how they express displeasure. Perhaps they don’t know a better way or are afraid to deal with whatever it is head-on. That fear is likely not about you, but it still impacts you.
If you are nagged, please see it as a cry for help. Then work to find out what the real issue might be. It could be your spouse doesn’t feel heard or respected. So make efforts to hear what they say, and do things they want done. If you can’t do something quickly, make a note to do it as soon as you can.
If doing the things your spouse has been nagging about brings no change, the issue is deeper. How was your spouse hurt growing up or in a previous relationship? Are you hitting that wound? Can you reassure them in that area?
If you can’t resolve it, I’d suggest getting some help as a couple. Nagging is not just annoying: it’s a warning sign you should not ignore.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 11, 2026 | Counterproductive
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4bdRuXO
Today’s counterproductive issue is criticism. Britannica defines criticism as the act of expressing disapproval and of noting the problems or faults of a person or thing: the act of criticising someone or something. Criticism is like honking your horn at the driver ahead. It might feel satisfying, but it rarely changes their behaviour and could escalate the situation.”
Criticism is often felt as an attack. That might not be intended, but if your spouse receives it as negative, it’s probably counterproductive no matter what your intention. What’s more, calling what you say “constructive criticism” doesn’t magically make it such. Beyond that, sometimes criticism is just picking, which is a bad plan.
When something is a problem for you, it’s necessary to say something. But if it’s received as an attack, that won’t help your situation.
There are several things to consider. First, your heart matters a great deal. This is true both in general and in the moment. If your spouse has not found you to be good-hearted, seeing any criticism as an attack is a natural response. If you’re usually good-hearted but have been grumpy all day, criticism will feel negative.
Beyond you, what about how your spouse has been treated in general? Be it a rough day at work or years of ugly criticism growing up, a predisposition to see criticism as negative may have nothing to do with you.
There are some classic techniques for dealing with criticism well, and they are well worth using:
- Start with Appreciation: Say something positive before addressing a concern. If you have discussed the issue before and it’s better, start with that. Or thank them for some other issue they have dealt with.
- Use “I” Statements: Make it about your feelings rather than their actions. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is messy,” rather than, “You always leave a mess.”
- Be Specific and Clear: Describe the behaviour that is a problem for you. An example can be helpful, but don’t pile on.
- Avoid Generalisations: Saying “always” or “never” is just going to trigger your spouse, causing them to stop listening and start defending.
- Suggest Solutions: Offer actionable ways to improve the situation and express your willingness to support them.
- Pick Your Battles: Not every issue requires criticism. If there are multiple issues, pick one or two, and work on them until they are resolved.
- Reciprocate: Ask, “What would you like me to work on?“
If your marriage has a history of criticism going badly, doing something else will be an uphill battle. But you can get there. One conversation at a time, you can teach your spouse that hearing from you is safe.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 10, 2026 | Counterproductive
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Nuydtg
Another counterproductive behaviour, using the same road I mentioned yesterday as an example.
Jim Bob is headed to town, but he’s in no hurry. He has been driving between 44 mph and 53 mph in a 60 mph zone. He has a dozen frustrated folks behind him. Finally, they all reach that one short passing lane. Jim Bob does pull over to the right, but as he does so, he speeds up. He reaches the legal limit, or exceeds it. If the first couple of drivers behind him are frustrated enough, they floor it and zoom by at 75 mph. The passing lane ends, and Jim Bob resumes his leisurely pace.
Jim Bob had been being tailgated since well before the passing lane. You would think he would look forward to the chance to end that. Why does he ensure he will be tailgated the rest of the way to town?
Highway experts say some of this is subconscious. Passing lanes are wide and usually straighter, so we feel safer. Many slow drivers speed up without being aware of it. But there’s also ego and control. If you feel challenged by someone trying to pass, you speed up.
I’ve seen this escalate into tragedy. Last year a guy who didn’t manage to pass before the passing lane ended decided to go onto the right shoulder to pass. He lost control getting back on the road and swerved into oncoming traffic, creating a three-car accident that killed two people and wounded a third. The reckless driver was relatively unhurt, and was arrested. The 17-year-old girl who upset him died, along with an innocent bystander. Speeding up to prevent passing can get you and others hurt or killed.
When we travelled by RV, I got in the habit of pulling into the right lane and easing back on my speed a bit so as many cars as possible could pass. It was kind to them and safer for us. My life is worth more than my ego.
So how do we apply this to marriage? Have you ever upped the stakes with your spouse for no reason other than pride or control? Rather than letting them pass, as it were, you exerted dominance or acted passive-aggressively. You maintained your pride, and you were in control, but at what cost?
It’s usually wiser and safer to pull over, slow down, and let them go. Address it at a later time when you’re both calm. Don’t let your ego push you into a horrible accident!
~ This is Paul, and pride never helps you Do Marriage Well.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 9, 2026 | Counterproductive
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4uj9okI
Have you ever noticed how often people do the exact opposite of what would actually get them what they want? And most just continue the counterproductive behaviour, seemingly unaware of the situation. Let me use tailgating as an example.
When we drive into town, we travel 10 miles on a busy two-lane highway with one very short passing lane. Curves and hills limit areas marked as safe to pass, and traffic usually makes that impossible anyway. The speed limit is 60 mph. At least half the folks driving it want to go 65 or faster. And about 10 percent don’t want to go any faster than 50. So there is a LOT of tailgating. Some of it stupidly close.
I’ve never seen tailgating speed someone up; I have seen it result in people going even slower. I generally maintain two seconds between myself and the car ahead, even if they are going slow, as I was taught all those years ago in driver’s ed. Then recently, I decided to back off a bit more. Amazingly, the guy in front of me sped up! I’ve tried this several more times, and about half the time it results in better speed. Not always up to the speed limit, but noticeably faster.
No one likes to be pushed. Be it intentional or subconscious, some drivers react to being pushed by slowing down. And some react to being given a bit of space by increasing their speed.
I conclude that tailgating the driver in front of you will not make them go faster, and may well cause them to slow down. “Pushing them”, as it were, is counterproductive to your goal. Yet I see people doing that almost every time I drive to town.
Perhaps being rude and aggressive makes those drivers feel better. But at a steep cost; several times a year it results in a crash that takes multiple lives.
With all of that as background, let me ask you: do you think pushing your spouse is likely to get you what you want? Give them some space, and see what happens.
Like drivers who tailgate, you may think pushing your spouse will somehow help. If this has never happened, it’s time to find a new tactic.
~ This is Paul, and tailgating your spouse is not Doing Marriage Well.
Not the best picture, but that’s a bald eagle!
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