by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 24, 2026 | Doing Sex Well
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3RSMLFl
It is common for both passion and sexual satisfaction to decline as a couple spends more and more years together. But there are couples who don’t follow this trend. What makes those couples different? A study of almost forty thousand people looked at that. The authors pointed out that sexual satisfaction is important for the health of a relationship and gave this as motivation for the study.
The couples in the study had been together at least three years. The majority, 83%, said they were sexually satisfied for the first six months they were together. But many did not feel that way years later. Fifty-five percent of the women and 43% of the men were generally satisfied, while 27% of the women and 41% of the men were dissatisfied. Roughly a third of both men and women said their sex life was as passionate as it had been at the start.
Sexual satisfaction and ongoing passion were higher for people who had sex most frequently, those who received more oral sex, had more consistent orgasms, experienced more variety of sexual acts, and had better sexual communication.
Let’s talk about those things that correlated with greater passion and sexual satisfaction:
Frequency: There is an obvious chicken and egg issue here. But it’s still a valid issue. A drop in frequency either signals an existing drop in satisfaction or warns that one is coming. Making yourself have sex usually is not going to improve things. But don’t ignore the change.
Oral Sex: This could be about the pleasure oral sex can give, or how effective it can be as foreplay. It might also be an indication of how sexually free a couple feels. You can have a good sex life without oral sex, but if either of you is less satisfied with sex than you used to be, adding or increasing oral sex could result in an improvement.
Consistent Orgasms: This is mostly an issue for women, but a lack of orgasm would certainly make a man unsatisfied with sex. Some women honestly don’t want to climax every time. Some women want to most or every time, but say “It’s okay” or fake orgasms out of fear, or shyness, or because they think it’s their fault. If you need to orgasm more often, please speak up. Most men value their wife’s orgasm as much or even more than their orgasm, and I bet he will be happy to make sure it happens when you want it.
Variety: It’s not just the spice of life; it makes your sex more satisfying. You don’t have to get crazy or keep finding new things. Using more than one position will do it. Unscheduled morning sex, or making out on the couch, also qualify.
Communication: Being able to talk is the lifeblood of a marriage and of your sex life. Good sex requires being able to communicate what you enjoyed, what you want, and what you might like to try. You also need to be able to feel safe talking about what is not working.
You can make sex more satisfying and bring back passion. Which of the things I’ve mentioned would be a good starting place?
~ This is Paul, and a satisfying, passionate sex life makes Doing Marriage Well easier.
Not a fan of all the smoke, but it makes for beautiful sunsets.
There are no fires near us, the smoke is from Oregon.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 23, 2026 | Doing Sex Well
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4baF0Rz
What if you could improve your sex life from the privacy of your home, spending less than an hour a week? A recent study suggests you can.
A group of thirty heterosexual individuals were asked to write out a sexual fantasy at least twice a week for four weeks. A control group wrote about having a meal with friends.
At the end of four weeks, those who had done the fantasies had some big improvements in their sexuality. They had a significant increase in sexual desire, an increase in sexual pleasure, and fewer cognitive distractions during sex, especially less worrying about performance. They had an increase in positive feelings about sex and a decrease in negative feelings. The fantasy group also experienced an increase in partner connectedness.
None of this is surprising. Sex is mostly in our heads, and writing out a fantasy changes how we think about sex.
If you want to give this a try, keep it private at first. If you want to share what you wrote later, that’s fine. But worrying about what your spouse might think will interfere with the process. Do write, be it longhand or typed into a device. Other studies have shown what we commit to paper or screen is more powerful than just thinking about it.
Obviously you write about sex between you and your spouse. Exploring something you have never done but think about is fine, but writing only about things your spouse doesn’t want to do is a bad plan.
Eventually sharing some of your fantasies could be a good thing for your sex life, if doing so feels comfortable and safe. It will teach your spouse how you see sex and what you long for sexually. It could be a way to start a discussion about something new you want to try. And sharing a fantasy could be good foreplay!
~ This is Paul, and fantasies can help you Do Sex Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 22, 2026 | Doing Sex Well
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4frDgEG
There is a large body of evidence that says regular sex is good for us in many ways. And this seems especially true as we get older.
Before we look at the findings, with links to the studies, let’s address how research like this actually works. The classic rule that “correlation does not mean causation” is always a consideration. Some of the studies dealt with that; some did not. Another issue is determining which is cause and which is effect. Healthier people are generally going to have more sex than those with health issues. Some of the studies controlled for that; some did not.
But the findings of these studies are important even when we say healthier people have more sex. It means having less sex may well signal a problem that we should deal with. Some of the causes of ED are things that can kill a man. Going to get help with ED could save a man’s life. Depression limits sex and increases deaths. Dealing with depression will lead to both more sex and a longer life. And an unhappy marriage hurts our sex life and our mental and physical health. Working for a better marriage will improve all of those.
Some of the benefits found in these studies were seen no matter how one has an orgasm. But some were only found when couples had sex, and for some the quality of the sex mattered.
Here’s a quick look at some of the health benefits ascribed to sex:
If you could buy all of those benefits in a supplement, everyone would want a bottle. All it costs you to have those benefits is making time and energy for regular sex, and having a marriage that makes regular sex possible.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is doing life well.
Getting strawberries now.
Big and sweet!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 21, 2026 | Doing Sex Well
Podcast: https://bit.ly/44FCkYE
So guys, let’s talk about needles and your penis. I’ll wait a second for you to get over the thought.
There are several FDA-approved drugs that a man injects into his penis at home to give himself an erection. These produce a very hard erection in 5 to 20 minutes, and the erection lasts half an hour to an hour. Men who have used it say it “just works”. Side effects are rare and mild. And there are reports of the return of spontaneous erections because of the drug.
There are treatments for ED that are less invasive, but if those don’t work for you or result in unacceptable side effects, injections are an option. And the needle is very narrow!
An off-label injection for ED is Botox, injected by a doctor. This increases blood flow to the penis, which improves erections. In one study, 86% of men with mild ED were helped. For moderate and severe ED, the rates were 79% and 64%, respectively. It takes a couple of weeks to kick in, and then works for six to nine months. Botox has been shown to be safe, with only mild side effects. This treatment results in getting erections normally. As a side effect, the treatment can result in a larger flaccid ‘hang size’ – an outcome men did not complain about.
Botox is also being used to treat PE. This is new, and studies have been small. But good results have been shown, and safety established. Positive results last three to six months, with increased time tapering off gradually. Many men were able to last three times as long as normal, which beats most other PE treatments. I’d call this one interesting but needing more study. Fine-tuning doses and the injection site could make it better or more reliable.
Another off-label PE treatment is injecting hyaluronic acid into the glans (head) of the penis. This has been shown to significantly increase how long a man can engage in intercourse before climax. In one study, the average time went from 38 seconds to five and a half minutes. This time gradually lessened but was still four minutes at 12 months. Hyaluronic acid has been used in cosmetic surgery for decades and has well-established safety. The only issues were minor pain or irritation at the injection site, which cleared in time.
Finding someone to do these procedures may take some real effort, and those that are off-label will not be covered by insurance. But if you struggle a good deal, it may be worth the effort. Do your own research, and know what you are getting. And of course, I’m not a doctor, and I’m not giving medical advice! 🙂
~ This is Paul, and who knew a needle could help you Do Sex Well?
We have a rabbit who keeps getting into the pigpen.
Apparently they get better scraps.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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