by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 29, 2026 | Enough?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wXq9Cc
I’m doing an extra post this week because something that has been on my mind more or less fits. I want to talk about arousal non-concordance. Arousal non-concordance means the brain and the genitals are not in sync, with one experiencing arousal while the other is not.
One version of this happens to men regularly. Any time a man has a dream, he gets an erection. So if he wakes during or just after a dream, he is erect. His penis is aroused, but his brain is not (unless his dream was sexual). Being erect may make him think of sex, getting his brain going. Especially if it’s the weekend and morning sex is a thing for him and his wife. On the other hand, if it’s a weekday and he has an important early meeting, he ignores the erection, and it goes away without his mind ever being aroused. This happens often for many men, and it’s not a big deal or a problem.
It’s also possible for the brain to be aroused while the body is not, which we will explore shortly.
Arousal non-concordance can happen when a couple is together, and this can lead to confusion and hurt feelings. The first scenario is when a man finds his wife wet and assumes it means she wants sex. But if her body is aroused and her mind is not, his assumption can go wrong. If he suggests sex and she says no, he may feel hurt; she is aroused and still won’t have sex! If he just goes for it, assuming she is all about it, she may get upset. If she lets him keep going, she may have an orgasm she doesn’t want to have. And yes, guys, that’s a real thing.
A wife can make the same mistake, taking her husband’s erection as an indication he is aroused. If his brain is not aroused and he says no to sex, she may worry he doesn’t desire her, is looking at porn, or is cheating on her. If she wants more sex than he does, his refusal can hurt her just as when the genders are reversed.
The opposite, when the brain is aroused and the body is not, can also cause problems. He does something that gets her going mentally, but when she suggests sex, he finds she is not wet. He thinks maybe she is offering mercy sex. If he tells her she is not aroused, that can cause an argument that kills the moment.
There is a major gender difference here. A man knows when he has an erection. But it’s possible for a woman’s body to be aroused and her not be aware of it. Especially if it’s moderate arousal or she’s not thinking about it. So while both men and women experience arousal non-concordance, men are almost always aware of it, while women may not be. It has been suggested women’s bodies respond with arousal easily to keep them from pain or injury from unwanted sex.
So, how should this information affect your marriage?
First, you both need to understand that arousal non-concordance is a thing. Second, you need to agree that neither erections nor wetness communicate arousal; arousal is communicated by saying you are aroused.
In practical terms, how does this play out? If she says she wants sex, but he doesn’t find her body aroused, using some lube and going slow at first will allow them to do what she wants. This might get her mind going. Or she might orgasm without her brain kicking in until the last moment, if at all. Hubby could say, “Your body is not there yet; how do you want to proceed?” and then go with what she suggests.
On the other side, he should never see her physical arousal as an invitation or an obligation. It makes sense that God would design the generally lower-drive spouse to be easily aroused physically, but what a woman does with that is her choice. She should lean toward generosity, but it’s up to her.
~ This is Paul, and understanding arousal non-concordance helps you Do Sex Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 28, 2026 | Enough?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3SsT0QB
If you ask one hundred men how their sex drive compares to men their age, probably three-quarters will say their drive is higher than average. This, of course, is a mathematical impossibility.
Part of the reason for this is men don’t usually talk about such things with each other. So we have nothing to compare ourselves to. Another issue is living in a world that denies gender differences. A lot of women claim men and women have the same sex drives. Research says otherwise. If we look at average sex drive for men and women rather than just men, then the majority of men will have a high drive.
What makes this a problem is that most decent men don’t want to mistreat their wife by asking for “too much” sex. He reasons his drive is too high, so he needs to suppress it. Of course this is not really possible. So he asks for less than he wants. That means by the time he does ask, he’s in a bad way. This makes “no” far worse for him. It also means when they do have sex, he is very aroused, and that makes it difficult for him to focus on her pleasure and to hold himself back. Having less sex than he needs makes the sex the couple does have less enjoyable for both of them.
Sometimes a man is angry at his wife for not having sex as often as he wants. But if he’s not asking for as much as he needs, it’s not on her. Some men, I suspect many, masturbate to drain off their desire so they can get by on less sex. But he wants more than an orgasm; he wants sexual intimacy. So this strategy doesn’t work well.
I’ve heard an accusation that men are selfish, asking for “more sex than they need”. How does that make sense? If he had what he needed, if he were satisfied, he wouldn’t ask again until he felt the need. But this idea is out there, and it adds to men’s fear and guilt.
I know most women are tired of hearing “he needs more sex”. But it’s said so often because it’s true and it’s a common marriage problem. A recent study found only 57% of men are satisfied with their sex life. And a large Australian study found that most men living with a woman are having sex no more than half as often as they would like. It’s emotionally painful for the men who struggle with it, and it hurts their marriage even if he is silent about it.
BTW, it’s also emotionally painful for the estimated 25% of women who want more sex than hubby will have with them. A lack of sex is a marriage problem that should be addressed regardless of who wants more. The starting place is the lower drive spouse accepting it’s a problem.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well means being generous.
Our first ever seed to fruit tomatoes.
With many more on the way!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 27, 2026 | Enough?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4d5IkOK
Many of the things we need from our spouse are more nebulous than the five love languages. And that can make it even more difficult to know if we are getting what we need. For example, we need to feel trusted. But how do you measure that?
I’ve grouped these into loose categories:
Appreciation: We need to feel valued through recognition, thanks, gratitude, and praise. It need not be over the top, but it should be regular. My wife and I regularly thank each other for being sane, or decent, or for acting like an adult. It’s saying, “I see you. I see what you do, and I value it.“
Emotional: We need emotional connection. Having that requires vulnerability, active listening, and being a safe place. Trust and the benefit of the doubt fit here. Doing this one means being okay with tears, anger, grief, and fear.
Intellectual: Most of us have a deep longing to be intellectually connected with our spouse. We want to feel they respect our mind. We want to engage in stimulating discussion and lovingly challenge each other to learn and stretch. We want to learn new things together and learn more about the things we both love.
Share life: I think sharing life is what marriage is all about. It means sharing your spouse’s hobbies by at least having some understanding. It means finding things to explore together. It means wanting to tell your spouse about what happened while you were apart and wanting to hear what happened to them. And sometimes it’s just physical presence: being in the same place without words or activity.
And one more – we need apologies from our spouse. Not just when they were mean or hurtful, we need apologies when they unintentionally hurt us. An apology is not saying “I was wrong” or “It was my fault”. An apology is saying, “I’m sorry you were hurt.” If you’re stingy with apologies, that is hurting your spouse and your marriage.
Think on these things. Which of these feels lacking to you? Can you see any you know you should give to your spouse in a greater way? If you’re feeling brave, discuss these things with your spouse.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Seven or eight years ago I dug a trench by hand to keep this area from standing water through June each year.
Redoing it now with a tractor makes for a better trench and way less work!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 25, 2026 | Enough?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4zAXSUf
Before we look at specific marriage needs that we may not be getting in the amount we need, I want to look at a couple of reasons we may not feel a need as we should. I also want to consider reasons we may feel a need more strongly than others, or more than we once did.
Stress interferes with our ability to judge what we need. When we’re in crisis mode, we ignore a lot of needs. This is good. But if we live in crisis mode, we stop feeling our needs. Being tired all the time has much the same effect. If experience has taught you that you won’t get as much of something as you need from your spouse, you may try to protect yourself by lying about how much you need. This works about as well as lying to yourself about how much water you need.
Another issue is guilt. If you know you’re shortchanging your spouse in some way, you may downgrade what you want from them. You feel you don’t deserve as much because of your failure. A similar issue is thinking you need “too much” of something. Perhaps that comes from comparing yourself to others, or from having bad examples, or from being told you were unreasonable or greedy. So you downplay your need and avoid asking for what you actually need.
As is usually true with marriage issues, our pasts, and specifically our family of origin, can be a factor. If you grew up in a family that didn’t give you much touch, you may not be able to feel the need for touch. But it can work the other way. If you were never validated by your parents, you may have an exaggerated hunger for that now.
Needing more of something than others is not necessarily a result of a problem. We’re all different, and that means what we need to feel safe, secure and loved varies. There can also be a greater need for external reasons. When I was working in the Texas heat, I needed far more water than most men because I was sweating so much out. Drinking only what a man sitting in an air-conditioned office needed would have put me in the hospital. Or worse! If you are in a job that drains you, or one of your children is being a real challenge, you may need more of something from your spouse to avoid ending up emotionally exhausted.
All that said, why we need more is irrelevant. A small number of people need more sleep than most people. And if they don’t get that sleep, it harms them. Why they need more does not change the fact they need it. If you, or your spouse, need more touch, affirmation, or conversation than most people, the need is valid and should be met if reasonable possible.
Finally, if your goal is to figure out the minimum and give or ask for that, you are missing the point. Maybe you miscalculated. Perhaps there is a temporary increase in a need. Or your spouse may be underestimating or under-reporting what they need. Giving more than the minimum creates a buffer. It’s also a loving, generous way to treat each other.
~ This is Paul, and meeting needs is Doing Marriage Well.
The grandkids picking strawberries.
Widget is supervising to make sure they don’t get into the blackberries!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 23, 2026 | Enough?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3UQYXaD
A few weeks ago my dear wife ended up at the doctor with some issues. Among other things, they did standard blood tests. And then told her she was dehydrated. She’d actually been working to drink enough but miscalculated and was shorting herself. I decided to check my intake. I used to drink two gallons a day when I worked in the heat in Texas and continued to drink a lot after. But when I did the math, I found I was borderline now.
This is actually common. As we age, our “thirst reflex” stops working as it should. Additionally, the kidneys become less able to concentrate urine, meaning your body is less able to retain water when it’s not getting enough. So our bodies fail to tell us what we need, and if we don’t pay attention, we become dehydrated and get all the problems that come with that.
And what, you’re thinking, does this have to do with Doing Marriage Well?
We tend to assume we are aware of what we need. But just as our bodies may fail to tell us we need water, our minds may fail to tell us we need things required for our mental and emotional health. Or for the health of our marriage. We are even more likely to fail to be aware of what our spouse needs to feel loved, connected, and healthy.
Early on most couples are so head over heels in love they give more than what is needed without even trying. As time goes on and that early love fades, we do less, unless we are intentional. At the same time we get busy with work, children, and all the rest. We let things slide. We justify not only doing less for our spouse but also getting less from our spouse.
We start hurting because we’re not getting what we need in our marriage, but we may not know why we’re feeling as we are. Unfortunately there is no lab test to tell us we need more snuggle, conversation, or whatever.
The rest of the week I will look at things couples may need more of, but don’t know they need more. For today, I want you to think about this. Have you lost your natural thirst for something you need with your spouse? Are you lacking something but not really feeling it? What about your spouse? Are they okay with less of something than they need from you?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is easier when you know what you need.
A note on water intake: Healthy men living in normal circumstances need 15.5 cups (3.7 litres) of fluid a day. For women it’s 11.5 cups (2.7 litres). Normally about 20% of this intake comes from food, leaving a daily beverage goal of roughly 13 cups (3 L) for men and 9 cups (2.1 L) for women. For more, see Water: How much should you drink every day?
Made some strawberry freezer jam!
Last year we canned it and didn’t like it as much. This is better and easier to make.
But we do have to make room in the freezer.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
