by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 18, 2025 | False Peace
As I mentioned on Wednesday, sex is often wrapped in false peace.
In part, this is because many of us find it difficult to talk about sex. We’ve been taught to be ashamed of the sexual parts of our bodies, and what we do with those parts. That shame can also keep us from being honest about what we want, enjoy, and need sexually.
Additionally, we’re dealing with a boat load of lies from both society and the Church. It’s no wonder confusion is so common.
A very common version of this is the husband who says “I need sex twice a week” when he knows full well he will be frustrated with anything less than every other day. He says twice a week because he thinks he might be able to get that. Or because he thinks every other day is too much. If his wife takes him at his word and does what he has asked, he will be frustrated with her, but won’t be able to voice that. He may take his frustration out on her in some other area, or become distant.
Avoiding false peace means being honest, even when that honesty is difficult or seems pointless. For example, let’s say a wife really wants her husband to do oral on her, but he steadfastly refuses. If she tells him it’s okay, that’s false peace. If she tells him she is disappointed but will stop asking because he’s made it clear it’s never going to happen, that’s not false. It’s less comfortable for both of them, but the truth is always better.
As with other parts of marriage, sexual false peace does far more harm than good. It may be difficult or embarrassing to deal with the truth, but it’s necessary if you want a good marriage.
~ This is Paul, who wishes Doing Sex Well wasn’t so difficult.
We spent several days earlier this week on the west side of Washington. Friends invited us to the tulip festival. We drove over with the friends and came back on the train.
This is some of the tulip fields, with Mt. Baker in the background.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 17, 2025 | False Peace
Today’s post is for the guys.
Lori and I have dealt with a lot of women who served up false peace for years or decades, and then just walked away. Or gave a drastic ultimatum. Or unplugged emotionally.
The vast majority of the time when this happens, there is no fix. She’s burned out, and has long since stopped caring. Even if hubby suddenly became the man she wants and needs, she would not see it, not trust it, or just not care.
Most men have a very strong desire for peace in their home. That’s a good thing, but it can cause us to accept false peace. Even if we have a hint it’s false, we may accept it rather than risking anger or arguing. Thing is, false peace can’t produce a healthy marriage. But it can kill a marriage.
Gents, is your wife really happy? Is she really now okay with things she used to complain about? Or has she decided you won’t change and chosen false peace over ongoing open conflict? If you value your marriage more than temporary false peace, you need to speak up.
BTW, if you don’t see false peace, but aren’t 100% sure, ask some pointed questions. Convince her you want to deal with things and get to real peace.
~ This is Paul, warning you that Doing Marriage Well sometimes looks different for men and women.
We live between this Elk herd’s summer and winter grounds, so we see them briefly twice a year.
Sorry, this isn’t an up close image!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 16, 2025 | False Peace
Today I want to speak to the ladies, because I see common gender issues when dealing with false peace.
Men tend to take what their wife says at face value. If she says it’s fine, then it’s fine. He either ignores, or more likely doesn’t hear the strain in her voice or see the tension on her face. Men are generally not as good at empathy, and they miss things every woman in the room would see. If you have said or thought “He must know” please understand there is a very real chance he has no clue. He’s not ignoring your pain, he honestly doesn’t see it.
BTW, telling your girlfriends the truth about how you feel is not going to help hubby see the truth! I’m all for wise counsel, but if you get help from others who make the same wrong assumptions you make, all you’re doing it strengthening your wrong beliefs.
The other thing is, husbands often practice false peace over sex. Even men who don’t do it in other areas may do it here.
There are a couple of reasons for this:
- He is conflicted about his sexual desires. Maybe he knows porn has messed him up. And society has messed him up, telling him all men are potential sexual monsters. He’s not sure if what he wants is okay, so he downplays or hides his real desires.
- He is afraid of losing what he has. Sex is not what he wants, or as often as he wants, but he fears that if he pushes for more his wife will get upset and the end result will be less.
Given you are more emphatic, if he is engaged in false please over sex, you probably have some clue. If this is the case, don’t let him keep living in that. I realise you may have no desire for change, but false peace always hurts a couple in the long run.
~ This is Paul, warning you that Doing Marriage Well sometimes looks different for men and women.
Lori and I had an hour to kill in town before we met friends for dinner, and we found this place:
They get cats from the local shelter and set up adoptions. The cats play in a large area with toys and cubby holes, and you can set up time to hang with them. They have placed over 2,000 cats in five years. And the coffee was good!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 15, 2025 | False Peace
So what does false peace look like?
It’s saying “It’s okay” when it’s not okay. It’s dismissing a problem as “No big deal” when in fact it’s cut you to the heart. False peace attempts to cover the symptoms of a problem while ignoring the real issue.
Some examples:
- Hubby is always late, and it drives you crazy. But you tell him it’s fine and you understand.
- She overspends to the point you’re in danger of bankruptcy, but you never say a word because she will get upset.
- You have a serious problem with one or more of your spouse’s friends, but you force yourself to accept them.
- Your spouse is messy to the point of creating a biohazard. Rather than speaking up, you do way too much cleaning, and make sure friends don’t come to your house.
Out of a desire to bring true peace, Jesus disrupted the false peace all around Him. He refused to ‘spiritualize away’ conflict. ~Peter Scazzero
If we want real peace and health in our marriage, we must disrupt the false peace. The issue of course is the turmoil that comes from challenging the status quo.
If you’re guilty of false peace, own it. Tell your spouse the thing you have been pretending is okay is not okay. Tell them it hurts you, and it’s getting worse. Try to keep the initial conversation about you. You will be identifying the problem, but do your best to not dump on your spouse. Give them time to think about it.
If nothing changes after a couple of weeks, then it’s time to have discussions about the issue. In the interim, decide what you need for real peace.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple
PS: Yes, there are men who over spend, and women who run late!
This is Tilly running down a post. She puts her back to the wall and down she goes.
The image is blurry because we had been gone all day, and she was ready to be inside, so she was moving fast.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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