Today is the intersection of sex and fear. Sadly, there’s a long list of possible topics for this. I will go with the biggie: sexual abuse prior to marriage.
This is not just a “her” problem. We recently talked to friends who have been trying to help a couple whose 30 year marriage has been essentially sexless because his mother molested him.
It’s difficult to get accurate data on this. If we take a very conservative approach to the numbers, a third of 20-year-old women, and a quarter of men that age have experienced sexual assault involving physical contact. And at least two thirds of women have been victims of sexual harassment of some sort.
If you were molested and have not dealt with it, both your sex life and your marriage are being harmed by what happened. The good news is you can get freedom. Doing so will require help, and for most it will require professional help. My suggestion is story work. Lori and I don’t do that, but there are good men and women at Aldrich Ministries who do. Therapy is another way to go. Do be sure you get a Christian therapist.
Dealing with sexual abuse is not a sex issue. But it certainly creates sex issues. I want to explain a bit about that and offer some simple things that may help while you get healing.
The sexual problems that come from abuse are often situational. A personal example:
Lori and I had been married a few years. We had hit bottom with the fall-out from her being abused and raped, and it was getting better. I had showered, and she was on the bed reading. I walked out to talk to her as I dried off. This put my genitals at the level of her face, and a couple of feet away. She freaked out. She had seen my genitals plenty of times, and been closer to them, but this placement tapped into her abuse. We both understood what was happening; I covered up and helped her calm down.
I share this to show how specific triggers can be. Sex might be just fine in a dozen positions, but cause terror in one position. If the molestation happened in the dark, making love in the light might be required. But if the molestation happened with the lights on, having sex in the dark might be the only way for it to be okay. You can be triggered by, words, smells, locations, or items, including clothing.
If you can identify a trigger, you can work to avoid it. If you were molested in your bedroom, have sex on the living room couch. If you can’t secure privacy there, make a pallet on the bedroom floor and see if that is better. Or shower together and have sex there. Avoid the sex acts involved in the molesting, even if this includes something your spouse really enjoys.
Beyond this, try to find some way to pleasure your spouse when you can’t cope with full sex. That might mean hugging them, in the dark, as they masturbate. Being involved in even this limited way is better for them, and your marriage, than doing nothing.
All of this should be seen as temporary workarounds. The goal is to deal with the past so you can leave it in the past and have a better future. I watched Lori do that, and have watched or heard about many others doing it. You can do it too.
~ This is Paul, and past sexual abuse can make Doing Sex Well tricky.
So what can we do about worry and fear? The Bible has plenty to say about the issue.
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. ~ Mat 6:31-33 ESV
[D]o not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7 ESV
I realise that is easier to say than do, but Jesus and Paul seemed to think giving us these words would help us.
A great resource on this issue is The Anxiety Opportunity by Curtis Chang. Lori did the book as a class, and said it was practical and helpful.
Talking about you fears may or may not help. Sometimes expressing our fear helps us see things are not as bad as we fear. But rehearsing our fear might also make them even worse. A big part of how it plays out is about who we talk with. Talking with someone else given to worry will produce an unhealthily synergy. But a caring, person can help you feel calm and safe. If worry is crippling you, I’d suggest therapy or coaching.
It is usually a good idea to avoid things that feed your fear. If that means avoiding the news for a while, then do that. Or at least avoid the stories that trigger you. The verse after the Philippians passage above tells us to think on good things. We must be aware of the world around us, but God doesn’t want us to focus on the bad.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ~ Philippians 4:8 ESV
~ This is Paul, and I didn’t plan for this to run on 9/11.
Speaking of sources of fear, how many of you have a fire watch app on your phone?
The blue is our home. The fire, stared by lightning last night, is five miles upwind. They have it contained at just under an acre, be we got smoke from it all day. It’s a fear we have learned to live with. The app helps us know what is happening, which reduces the fear that comes with not knowing.
It’s increasingly common for politicians to stoke fear, real or imagined, to raise funds and garner votes.
The media’s “If it bleeds, it leads” model means we get an unbalanced view of the world, with disproportionately more stories that cause fear.
The internet is awash with lies, exaggerations, and conspiracy theories, many of which are scary.
And sadly, we may get some of the same from religious sources. Some are playing the same power games as the world, trying to use fear to control people. Others are overreacting to real issues, making something that should be a concern into a disaster. Sort of like when I was young and some folks were convinced that listening to rock and roll music was the unforgivable sin.
The solution to all of this is first to dig for the truth, and second to realise God is in control.
Finding the truth is both easier and harder than it used to be. The Internet makes it easy to find information. But since anyone can post anything, you have to be careful. As a silly example, I recently had someone tell me Tesla now had a $15,000 tiny home. I wasn’t buying it, and I was right. No such item exists, and Musk has never said they will build one. Turns out there are multiple YouTube videos that purport to show it does exist. They have modified or AI generated images and video clips. Full on lies, being passed on as fact. (Info here, if you care.)
Another good choice is to learn to let go of things over which you have no power. Yes, there are a lot of bad things going on in the world. I speak up about a few, and make donations to help with some. But for the most part, I can’t do anything beyond praying. So I do that and move on. The positive side of this is to chose something, or a few things, you can change, and work hard at those. For me, that is helping marriages, both online and in real life at my church. I’m also on the board of directors for a local food bank. Helping others makes me feel good about life, and it gives me something positive to focus on.
Fear is sometimes rooted in our current reality. But all too often, it is not. So let’s look at some of the “not” causes.
Fear can be a habit learned when we were young. For some, it could have been based on real dangers. But others learned it from a parent or caregiver who was fearful. Either way, fearful thought patterns became automatic.
If there were real threats to your safety or life growing up, you will likely need professional help dealing with those and getting past your fear response. There are a number of great people at Aldrich Ministries who do story work, which can be very helpful with such things. If you were abused or bullied, there is help and freedom. In the interim, telling yourself “That was then, this is now” may help you calm down.
A second hand worry habit may be easier to resolve. But it might still require third party help. Track the habit back, looking for when it started, and why you fell into it. Examine the person you picked it up from, and your relationship with them. We sometimes mirror those in authority to gain approval, respect, or help.
Regardless of why you fall into fear too easily, please have a long, open talk with your spouse about it. Explain as much as you understand, and ask them for grace and support. Could your spouse help by reminding you that was then and this is now? Would a long hug or holding your hand help you calm down so you can see more clearly?
Finally, if you sometimes react to your spouse in fear because of your past, please help them understand why that happened, and make sure they know it was not them.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well means helping each other.
The 15 chickens we hatched earlier this year were getting too big for their little cage. They have grown up separated from the turkeys by chicken wire. So we removed the wire.
They get along great. One little rooster is pretending to be a turkey. The rest treat the bigger birds as older chickens. And the turkeys seem to see them as their chicks.
This week we’re looking at fear. Fear is the strongest motivator for humans, and none of us are immune. The fear response God gave can and does save our lives. But it can also cause a lot of problems. Some of what you do or don’t do in your marriage is a result of fear. The fear might be realistic, or it might not. It might be motivated by your spouse, but it could be because of someone or something from your distant past. And it feels the same regardless of why you feel it or if it’s reasonable.
We live in a world full of fear. We hear about horrible things happening half a world away, and it affects us. A friend gets divorced, their spouse cheats on them, or their child gets sick, and we fear the same might happen to us.
Healthy fear can serve us by causing us to avoid things that can harm us. But when fear is ongoing with no solution, it can lead to anxiety, paralysis, depression, or tunnel vision. These things harm us and our relationships.
Fear can cause us to lash out. We might lash out at the source of our fear, but often we attack someone unrelated. Spouses are an easy target for anger or paranoia that has nothing to do with them. When we live in fear, it’s always there just below the surface. If our spouse does something that causes fear or anger, all of that pent-up emotion may come out in an explosion that is way out of proportion to what triggered it.
Fear will limit and damage your marriage if you don’t deal with it. The rest of the week we will discuss the source of our fear, and what we can do about it.
~ This is Paul, and fear makes it difficult to Do Marriage Well.
There are no clouds in this image, that’s smoke.
It’s worse north of us, but bad enough here we have to limit our time outside.
