by PAUL BYERLY | May 9, 2025 | Find You
This week we’ve been talking about helping your spouse with self-discovery, personal growth, and self-fulfilment. Does applying that to sex sound a bit scary?
As followers of Jesus trying to be in but not of the world, we are in a very strange place sexually. The world says anything goes and tells us to chase our pleasure. Meanwhile, the church is somewhere between hesitant and repressed with regard to sex.
Finding what we want and enjoy sexually can be difficult. Wives tell husbands “you just want that because you saw it in porn” and husbands tell wives “you’re only opposed to that because of what happened to you”. And while both of those have merit, some of what he saw in porn he would have wanted without porn. And some of what happened to her with a pushy boyfriend, or something worse, she would have not wanted even without those events. But neither of you know what is what.
As far as God is concerned, if it’s just the two of you, no one gets hurt, and you’re both okay with it, then it’s probably okay *. What others might think about it is irrelevant.
The best way to find what works for you as a couple is trial and error. Take small steps. Discuss what you tried later. Is it something both of you would like to do again? Might a small change make it acceptable or better? Apply generous amounts of grace and see it as a lifelong journey.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
* Resource: What’s Okay, What’s Not – A biblically based look at what couples can do in bed.
I am back from a few days in Bend, Oregon for a church leader’s gathering.
I do love me some snow covered peaks!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 7, 2025 | Find You
I realise all this talk of self-fulfilment may not play well with a Christian audience. But self-discovery, and personal growth should. And as I said yesterday, for Lori and I the self-fulfilment is a result of the other two.
As a follower of Jesus, our goal is to be who He intended us to be; who He created us to be. Unfortunately, the world is working hard to make us something else. And all too often we get the same from the church. Our parents certainly had/have opinions about who and how we should be. How much that’s in line with God’s calling on our lives varies from person to person, but it’s never perfect.
Few of us have a good handle on who God made us before the age of thirty. And that means most of us are working to discover that after we get married. If your spouse is loving, caring, and has a clue, he or she can be a big help. First with you finding who God made you, and then with becoming that person.
Because finding and become who God created you to be will result in changes, it’s good to share the journey with the person who shares your life. Depending on what you learn, there may be major changes in your future.
I’ve heard a husband or wife say, “I didn’t sign on for this”. But if you married for better or worse till death do you part, then in fact you did sign on for what God wants.
And of course, both of you should be finding, growing, and changing. It might happen one at a time, or both of you at the same time. Be loving, be supportive, and pray a lot!
~ This is Paul, telling you that Doing Marriage Well requires knowing who you are.
Our pond runs dry in the summer. So last year we set up a solar-powered pump to refill it from an eight foot well we dug.
It cycles on when the well get full. This time of year it runs most of the time.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 6, 2025 | Find You
The average marriage today is weaker than the average marriage of yore, in terms of both satisfaction and divorce rate, but the best marriages today are much stronger, in terms of both satisfaction and personal well-being, than the best marriages of yore. ~ Eli J. Finkel
The first part of that, the average marriage being less satisfying and more prone to divorce than the average marriage of the past, is evident in our society. The second part is less clear, but those who work with marriages see it. Lori and I see it becoming truer over the three decades we’ve done this. There are good marriages, bad marriages, and not a lot of okay marriages.
As I said yesterday, Finkel thinks folks today want a spouse who will help them find self-fulfilment, self-discovery, and personal growth. I wouldn’t say I was looking for those things when I married Lori, but I have certainly found all of them because of our union. And she would say much the same thing. We are both better people because of our time together. We have discovered who we are, often with the help of the other. We have grown into who we are, and that has brought self-fulfilment.
When I look at the better marriages I know, I see much the same. Husband and wife encourage each other to discover who God made them to be, and to become that person. I’ve seen men and women gladly make some pretty significant sacrifices in the service of that.
Are you all about helping your spouse become who they were made to be?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Finally got a decent picture of our ducks.
This pair is with us every spring. They hatch eggs upstream, and come here to feed. In a month, we should see them teaching their ducklings to swim and feed.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 5, 2025 | Find You
Marriage is not what it was in the past. We can bemoan that, or we can deal with the reality of it. I favour the latter. What’s more, for the most part, things are, or can be, far better today.
Eli J. Finkel, author of The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work, says the primary function of marriage from 1620 to 1850 was food, shelter, and protection from violence. Then from 1850 to 1965, the purpose revolved around love and companionship. And today, he says the function of marriage is achieving greater self-fulfilment, self-discovery, and personal growth.
These changes are a result of how life has changed over the last few hundred years. In the past, a single woman had very few options, and none of them were good.
Because of this, some women who didn’t want to be married got married. And some who would have liked to get divorced, did not. While marriage was a good thing for men, all too often it was the lesser evil for women. You can imagine how such marriages faired, and I doubt anyone wants to go back to that.
What you want from your marriage is not what your grandmother or grandfather wanted. And what your spouse expects from being married to you is not what their mother or father expected.
Think about your parent’s marriage, and how your hopes and desires differ.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different from how is used to.
Tilly has reclaimed her rightful spot.
For the moment, growling at Widget keeps her at bay.
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