by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 5, 2026 | Get Along!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3UBzJgy
I had not planned to do a sex application this week. But as I wrote through the apology post, I realised I needed to discuss how the things I’ve discussed this week apply to infidelity.
I’m going to cast a wide net here for infidelity, including porn use and emotional affairs. If you think either of those is not a violation of the marriage bed, I’d ask you to seek God on that.
As you might suspect, Lori and I have dealt with a lot of folks dealing with infidelity. And we’ve heard a lot of justification and excuses, none of which was being accepted by the wronged spouse.
So let’s run through a few things:
- We Didn’t Have Sex: I’ve heard far too many men say this. Men tend to focus on sex, but women look more at relationships. Most women would be less upset by a one-off with a prostitute than months of an emotional affair.
- It’s Just Pictures: She doesn’t feel that way, sir. You’re not going to convince her it was not a violation, and trying to do so will get in the way of healing and restoration.
- You Made Me Do It: Yes, we can push our spouse to temptation. And the Bible says we will be held accountable for doing that. But the choice to sin is still ours, and we need to fully own it.
- Ending Contact: It is entirely understandable for your spouse to want you to never again see the person you cheated with. If that means changing divisions or jobs, then you do that. Ideally you will do it without your spouse saying anything.
- You Owe Them Information: Some folks don’t want to know anything. Others want all the details. This may or may not be good for them, but it’s not your call. If your spouse has a vivid imagination, what they imagine you did will be far worse than what you did.
- Healing Takes Time: Sex is intimate and personal, and that makes sexual sin hurt more than other violations. Forgiving you doesn’t magically make it okay. Most couples should get help working through infidelity.
- Fixing Sex Will Be Difficult: This is an extension of the above. When they try to have sex with you, they will think about what you did. They might be enjoying sex, then a thought of you with the other person crashes in, and they suddenly don’t want you touching them. Initially you should graciously accept this as part of the cost of what you did. If it doesn’t start to get better after a few months, get help.
- Fixing Trust Happens Slowly: If you cheated, your spouse will be suspicious when you come home late. If it was porn, they will worry about you doing it again. This is natural, and since you have violated their trust, it’s on you. Getting upset about this will only make things worse. If you walk the straight and narrow for six months and your spouse is still paranoid all the time, they may need to get help for that. But them getting past it slower than you think they should is not something you should bring up.
Let me close with an example of amazing grace and forgiveness in the face of sexual betrayal. We met a pastor and his wife. The pastor had realised he needed to confess his porn habit to her. She cried. He made promises. She forgave him. And then, she took him to bed and made love with him. Afterwards she told him, “I know we can get through this, and I know you can beat the porn.” The pastor told me what she did made him feel deeply loved and horribly ashamed of what he had done to her. Her actions also made it much easier for him to stay clean. I’d also note that she was able to do what she did because her husband owned what he did and apologised well.
I’m not saying everyone should do what this woman did. Some could not, and some should not. But it is an example of the power of grace and forgiveness.
~ This is Paul, and sexual sin is a marriage crisis.
Making zucchini brownies
Both the best and the healthiest brownies you will ever eat!
Zucchini Brownies
INGREDIENTS
• ½ cup oil (olive works well)
• 1½ cups granulated sugar
• 1 TBS vanilla extract
• ½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1½ tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 3 cups finely shredded zucchini (with liquid)
• 1¼ cups semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided
DIRECTIONS
• Preheat oven to 350°F
• Line 9×13 pan with parament paper.
• Mix oil, sugar, and vanilla together in a large bowl with a wood spoon or rubber scrapper.
• Add cocoa, baking soda, and salt and mix to combine.
• Stir in flour. Batter will be very dry.
• Stir in zucchini and allow to rest for 5 minutes so the dry ingredients pull moisture from the zucchini. If it’s still dry after 5 minutes, go a bit longer.
• Stir in ¾ cup of the chocolate chips.
• Spread into the pan, top with remaining chocolate chips, and bake for 25-35 minutes. A toothpick should come out dry.
• Cool before cutting.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 4, 2026 | Get Along!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4zMQWnc
Let’s talk about the art of apologising. It is, sadly, an art that some didn’t learn growing up. I’ve seen supposed apologies make things far worse.
As I’ve said before, apologising doesn’t mean you were wrong. It doesn’t mean the problem is all your fault. It means you’re sorry the other person got hurt. If you see an apology as more than that, it becomes far more difficult to do it. If the other person sees an apology as an admission of some sort that doesn’t let you off the hook. If necessary, you can clarify what, if anything, you are owning and what you are not.
If your apologies don’t tend to make things better, or often make the situation worse, please read the rest of this post several times.
Every situation is different, but there are things usually found in a good apology and some things not found in a good apology. Much of this is for when you violated the other in some way, but some apply even if you did not.
- Don’t Delay: You need time to calm down and think clearly. But delaying an apology allows the hurt to grow. An otherwise great apology will do little if you wait too long.
- Take Ownership: If you did something wrong, admit it. Don’t blame it on the other person’s feelings or explain why what you did was because of what they did. If you were both wrong, own your part, and don’t mention their part.
- Acknowledge Impact: If there was harm done, be it physical, property, emotional or relational, don’t dodge or downplay that.
- Validate Feelings: Even if it was a misunderstanding, hurt feelings still hurt. Don’t suggest they are too sensitive or played the martyr.
- Offer Recompense: If you broke or damaged something, how are you going to make it right?
- Offer a Plan: If appropriate, explain how you are going to avoid doing it again. This would be good for things like hurting your spouse with gossip or using porn.
- Avoid Explaining: Explanations weaken apologies, and justification destroys them. We want to defend ourselves, but doing so is one of the most common apology mistakes.
- Avoid Minimising: Don’t hint they overreacted, and don’t question their emotions.
- Avoid Expectations: It’s nice if you get an immediate acceptance and release. But you don’t get to dictate or demand that. It may take time, especially if there was a breaking of trust or the same thing has happened multiple times. Don’t expect an apology to make it all okay, and don’t pretend it has.
- No Tacking On: One of the worst things you can do is use an apology as an excuse to air grievances or discuss the feelings the situation brought up in you.
- Less is More: Short and sweet is best.
A prompt, well-done apology is a powerful tool for healing and restoration. Learn how to wield that tool well.
~ This is Paul, and knowing how to apologise is Doing Live Well.
D’Argo guarding the flock.
I’m okay, but he charges Widget when she gets too close to the fence.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 3, 2026 | Get Along!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4ynOCSh
I talk a good deal about how our past affects our present. Today I want to look at how the past can help or hurt our efforts to fix a damaged relationship.
There is a positive one I’ve alluded to several times this week. If you and whoever have a long history of a good relationship that blesses both of you, that should count for something. Think about the good times. Think about all times they were there for you. Think about when they went above and beyond for you. When I say think about, I mean take time to walk through those good memories. If you journal, write down three happy times. Don’t allow the current situation to overshadow years of love and care.
Are you really ready to throw the relationship away? Are you going to give up on the chance to fix it and have more of what you had in the past? Is restoring what you had worth some pain and effort? Is it worth some change?
Sharing some of those good memories with the other person may be a good way to change the mood and direction of the relationship.
The other side is the bad stuff in the past. Our brains tend to gravitate toward the negative. Every relationship has its low points, and when we’re hurting, it’s natural to enlarge past hurts. Challenge that. Recall how it was, how it really was. Recall how you moved past it, and how it stopped hurting. What did you do to move to healing? Was there a breakthrough? What got in the way of healing? Learn from the past.
Then we have “you always…”. Do they always, really? Or has it happened a few times? In the past, did you let it go without saying anything? Are you upset they are doing it “again” when you’ve never brought it up?
It may also be helpful to think of other relationships that ended because of problems. Once you got past the relief of ending it, did you regret doing so? Do you wish you had tried harder? Can you see ways you could have made it work?
Finally, if you have a number of broken relationships, you should ask yourself if you’re the common denominator. Are you pushing people away when they get too close? Are you unreasonable? Do you stop working to maintain the relationship? Do you keep choosing the same kind of broken people who will eventually hurt you? Are you choosing people you think need rescuing? Is that for them or for you?
As you look at the past, both the good and the bad, bathe it in prayer.
~ This is Paul, and “what have you done for me recently” is not Doing Relationships Well.
Heavy with seed, the sunflowers bow down.
Soon they will feed pigs, turkeys, chickens, and rabbits.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 2, 2026 | Get Along!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3UtWWkQ
So what can you do when a relationship struggle is mostly or entirely on the other person? Yesterday I mentioned 1 Cor 13:4-7. Let’s look at that passage:
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ~ 1 Cor 13:4-7 ESV
Before we dig in, let’s have the safe and sane conversation. God does not call us to be abused or to put up with evil. If that’s what’s going on, the rest of this post does not apply to you. You need to get help, and if you’re not safe, you need to get out.
Moving on to Corinthians, not all of the passage applies to our current discussion. Let’s look at the parts that do:
Patient: In our busy world, patience is all too rare. But it’s a vital tool when dealing with relationship problems. It can take time for the other person to get to the point they can do what they should. It’s no fun living with the tension until they get there, but the alternative is making things worse. Emotional maturity means being able to sit in the difficulty and wait for the other person.
Kind: Among other things, being kind means respecting others’ feelings. It also means being gentle with people. Both of these will help take the heat out of a difficult situation. Kindness will urge you to think about how the other person feels and consider that whatever happened hit them particularly hard for some reason.
Not Arrogant or Rude: These things are sure to make a difficult situation worse. It’s human nature to be rude to those who have been rude to us, but we have to fight that urge.
Not Irritable or Resentful: These are also natural reactions to conflict and probably more difficult to hold back. Just because you feel these doesn’t mean you have to act on them. I’ve had people tell me they feel dishonest when they don’t act on negative feelings like this. Being hurtful just because it’s what you feel is not okay with God. We are called to act better than our worst thoughts and urges would have us act. We can feel resentful and choose not to act on it. That’s not dishonesty; it’s love. And it’s a mature thing to do.
Bears All Things: Sometimes this means letting something go. It means dealing with not getting an apology you deserve. It means not keep score. It means being willing to end up with the short end of the stick. What matters here is context, intent, and frequency. If the other person is in the midst of a rough time and doesn’t usually treat you as they have, that’s different than getting hit like this regularly. How much what happened hurts you is also a valid consideration.
Believes, Hopes, and Endures All Things: Can you hope for change and resolution in time? People do change, and I’ve seen some folks make huge changes. Hope and pray for that, and ask God to help you do it.
All of these things can help you wait for the situation to improve. Or to weather something that the other refuses to deal with. In some relationships there comes a time to say “no more” and walk away. But don’t go there too quickly, and be willing to get help before you throw in the towel.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Lori’s been sick for a while. Nurse Widget is on it.
She’s done the lab work and is waiting for Tilly to do a cat scan.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 1, 2026 | Get Along!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4gEcbQR
If you find yourself in an ongoing disruption with your spouse or someone else, and there seems to be no way to fix it, the first thing to ask yourself is how much of it is you? Are you being selfish or petty? Are you standing your ground out of pride? Are you afraid doing what you know you should do will cost you? Are you stuck on what you think you deserve from the other person? Are you making assumptions about the other person?
Let’s look at each of these in turn:
Selfish: When we get hurt, we become more selfish. With physical hurts this is a good thing, as it can help us to avoid making the injury worse. This can also be true for emotional injuries, but we often go too far or keep doing it too long. If you think you’re protecting yourself, ask what you’re protecting yourself from. Is it real or imaginary? Have you exaggerated it? Are you worried about a hypothetical? And finally, is it something God tells us to take for the sake of relationship? (See 1 Cor 13:4-7)
Petty: This goes back to, ‘Are you exaggerating something?’ Or are you assigning greater importance than is valid? Are you holding a longstanding relationship hostage to something small that shouldn’t matter in the larger context?
Pride: This is the big one, and it’s what kills relationships. We don’t feel properly valued by the other person. Pride can keep us from apologising. Pride makes us difficult and unreasonable. It can cause us to wait for the other person to go first. Pride is building a wall and expecting the other person to climb it to get to us.
Doing what’s right will cost you: The truth is doing what is right does sometimes cost us. But we still do it because it’s right. Is the relationship worth that? Is the other person worth that?
What you think you deserve: This is usually an extension of pride. You think they were more wrong, so they need to start the reconciliation process. You don’t think their apology or attempt to reconcile was enough, so you reject it or wait for them to do better. Your imperfect perception becomes what prevents healing.
Making assumptions about the other person: I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard “S/he meant to hurt me.” You can’t know that. You can’t know what they were feeling or thinking, and you can’t know that what you heard is what they wanted to communicate. We also assume indifference, saying “She doesn’t care” or “I don’t matter to him.”
If you see any of these on your part, please own them. Change and apologise as needed. Ask God for help with that if it’s a struggle.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Relationships Well can be difficult.
I’m trying to clean out a trench…
…and Widget is helping.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 31, 2026 | Get Along!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4cMynWo
I deal with a lot of folks who are unhappy with each other. Beyond dealing with marriages, we live in community. We love it, but in some ways it’s like a marriage with a dozen folks, each with their own stuff. On top of that, I’m an elder at my church, which means I am aware of and often involved with squabbles that happen there.
Another Paul dealt with the same thing. In Philippians 4:2–3 Paul urges two women to put aside their differences, agree, and work together in the Lord. Apparently these women were leaders in their faith community, and they’d had a falling out. We are all broken, and leaders are not exempt from that. Or from doing things they should not because of their brokenness. Lori and I once tried to help two women in leadership who had been best friends for years deal with a falling out. We couldn’t find anything that justified them being so upset, and in the end they walked away from each other, both devastated by their loss. I hated that they would not mend their relationship.
When I deal with these situations, what I usually see is two broken people both stuck in their fear and pride. This is the case for most “personality clashes” in marriages, friendships, work and church relationships. The issue that triggered the blow-up is rarely important. It’s usually the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And most of the straws are also little things that really don’t matter. The few real issues are so buried in junk the two people can’t see them, much less work on them. That, and usually when it gets ugly, neither person is willing to back down or change.
Sometimes it’s just one person who refuses to see reason or bend. In these relationships there is often a long-standing pattern of the reasonable person giving the benefit of the doubt and letting go of things. If the selfish person does something considerably worse than the norm, the house of cards collapses. The reasonable person can’t let it go, and the unreasonable one is unable to apologise or back down.
All too often, Lori and I find ourselves working with two adults who act like children. They magnify small events, assume motive, and camp on meaningless issues. I’ve heard the same from a slew of therapists, coaches, and leaders. Maybe I was less aware in the past, but I think it’s getting worse. Perhaps it’s a reflection of society as a whole being increasingly rude and divisive.
One would think there would be less of this from folks who follow Jesus. But as the passage I mentioned above shows, it still happens. I’ve actually heard folks use various Bible passages to justify what they are doing. I mean justifying anger, refusing to forgive, and even hatred.
The rest of this week I will look at this more deeply. If this doesn’t apply to your marriage, good for you and your spouse. Odds are it still comes up in your life from time to time. If not you and another person, then two people you know. So this set of posts may be useful well beyond marriage.
Think about the last time you were involved in or witnessed two adults at odds with each other because both were unreasonable and possibly immature. If you were involved, can you see what part you played in perpetuating the issue? Are you the more or less reasonable person in the situation?
~ This is Paul, and the Bible commands us to Do Relationships Well
The harvest continues
Tomatoes, banana peppers, jalapeno peppers, and zucchini
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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