by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 4, 2025 | Giving
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4pOqrbo
As you think about giving your spouse a gift this Christmas, I’d like to suggest something different. Rather than giving an item, give an experience. There’s a lot of data on this, and experiences win out hands down.
If you ask people to rate how happy they are about money spent on activities versus things, they rate the two about the same shortly after the purchase. However, as times goes on, satisfaction with things goes down, while satisfaction with activities goes up. What we do becomes a part of us; what we buy does not.
I don’t think of things I’ve received with warm memories. But I do have great memories of Lori and me taking a helicopter ride into the Grand Canyon. I think fondly of the cruises we’ve done, the people and places we visited as we RVed, the Trans Siberian Orchestra Christmas concert we did with friends, fun restaurants we visited with friends, and the Christmas we spent on the southern Oregon coast when our son was 17.
We know a woman who gave her husband skydiving for his birthday. They flew up, and both jumped. She didn’t just give him an experience, she shared it with him. Talk about making a memory!
We used to take goodies to local fire departments on Christmas Eve. Once, when my wife, my son, and I did this for the EMS crew just down the street, they left on a call as we walked up. The building was unlocked, and empty. So we left the snacks without a hint where they came from. We still talk and laugh about that more than a decade later.
Experiences need not be expensive. You could go for a drive to look at Christmas lights. Use a search engine to find great displays in your area. Some lists even provide a Google Maps link to make it easy. Pack a Thermos of hot chocolate, or stop for coffee and pie at the end. Free community concerts or art exhibits are another option.
Doing things as a couple draws you closer. Common experiences give you common ground, and good memories. Research suggests novel experiences activate the brain’s reward centres, creating feelings of excitement and pleasure. When you experience these positive emotions together, you’re strengthening your bond. And you will have romantic feelings when you look back on it. You’re building a shared story, and that’s marriage glue.
What experience could you give your spouse? You could take dancing lessons or cooking lessons together. If you want to put it under the tree, do it as a gift certificate, or box with a token that points to the experience.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
We got a fast start to our year-end giving, but we have a long way to go. Can you help?
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c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173
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Three kids, two dogs, and a lot of snow!
Best of all, I can see them from the window by my computer.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 3, 2025 | Giving
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3XvL3Jq
Today, let’s discuss giving in marriage. Specifically, the giving of gifts.
Gifts is one of the five love languages, and it’s especially important for those with this love language. If gifts is your spouse’s love language, they’re not materialistic, they’re wired to feel loved through the receiving of gifts. But the giving of gifts should be an ongoing part of every marriage.
The monetary value of the gift is not the important thing, or at least it shouldn’t be. The real value is in giving something that the receiver wants or enjoys. Giving a gift that is perfect for your spouse says you’re aware of, and value, who they are. A $500 gift they don’t want means “You don’t know me”. A $5 gift that’s perfect, says “You see me”.
Some folks are difficult to give to. Sometimes that is because gifts are not particularly important to the person. For other people, the problem is they are looking to get too much from gifts. If someone is dismissive or upset about a gift not being enough, that’s usually a them issue. I knew a fellow who struggled every gift giving occasion to “get it right”. Less than half his attempts were seen as acceptable, and very few as good. And yet he kept playing a rigged game he could not win rather than having the difficult conversation he needed to have with his wife.
The person who values gifts by what they cost is another problem. Even if you have the money to do what they want, they won’t ever be as blessed as others would be by a pocket change gift that brings a smile. I knew a fellow working a full-time job making good money who got a night job to keep his wife in fine clothing. I don’t know what she was searching for, but clothing was never going to fill it. He would have done better spending his money on some professional help for their marriage.
Men are often warned against giving “practical gifts” for formal gift giving occasions. On the whole, this is good advice. But my wife will tell you the best Christmas gift I ever got her was a good quality vacuum cleaner. And I’ve known other women who are the same way. A minority, but they do exist.
Being good at giving gifts is all about being aware. What do they use that is getting worn out? Do they have one or two of something that they could use more of? What ads do they watch? Do they comment on what others have? And don’t wait for holidays; give little gifts for no reason.
For the ladies, I have a Gifts for Guys Guide. Sorry, I don’t have the same for the men.
~ This is Paul, and Gifting Well looks different for every couple.
Speaking of giving: If you want to give to our ministry, how about $8.99 – one of the amounts on our year-end donation form is $8.99. If you select that, and click to make it monthly, after fees Lori and I will get $100.00 in a year.
This is the early bird from our run of quail eggs. There are no worms, and she’s upset about that.
Actually, she’s lonely, and will cheep a lot until another chick hatches out.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 2, 2025 | Giving
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Y3e6nC
So we’re talking about charitable giving. It’s not directly a marriage issue, but it has marriage ramifications. We knew a couple who nearly divorced because of his charitable giving. He was giving a great deal. She felt it was too much, and suspected he was trying to look good to others. He thought she was being greedy. Regardless of the truth, the issue very nearly ended their marriage.
I think married folks should discuss, pray, and be in agreement about where and how much they give. Agreement doesn’t mean one of you convinces the other. It means you find a way you can both give cheerfully. If either is resentful, too much, or too little, you haven’t found agreement yet. If you really struggle, start small — perhaps $10 a month to a cause you both support. Then grow from there.
The New Testament only uses the word tithe four times, and each of those is in reference to the Old Testament. But that does not mean giving is unimportant. On the contrary, giving is far more important for those who follow Christ.
The tithe was basically a tax that supported the temple and the priests. But the early church had no buildings, as they met in homes. They also had no priests. We are told those who teach are due double honour, meaning they should be both respected and paid. Paul and other evangelists were supported. Paul often engaged in making tents to cover his cost of living, so as not to take money from those he was serving. But he made it clear it would have been good and right for him to ask for support. He did receive support from Barnabas and Titus, along with the churches in Macedonia and especially the church in Philippi.
Paul talks about an offering for the Christians in Jerusalem, to support those in poverty because of famine and persecution. He also did this to build unity between Gentile and Jewish Christians. As I implied yesterday, when we give, it changes how we see those to whom we give.
Unlike the Old Testament, where you could check the giving box when you have given your 10%, the New Testament says it’s all God’s, and we are stewards. We’re told to be cheerful, regular, and systematic in our giving, and to see it as an act of worship done from the heart, not out of obligation. We’re told to be generous in our giving, especially to the poor.
If you attend a church, which you should, you absolutely need to support that church. But that does not take care of your giving. We should give beyond the church, as God leads us. Who you give to, and how much, is between you, your spouse, and God.
As I mentioned yesterday, we start our year-end giving drive today. We have various streams of income, but donations are an important chunk. If you feel led to support what Lori and I do, ministering to couples about marriage and sexuality, we will be most grateful. If not, we’d treasure your prayers. Either way, we’re glad you’re here.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Speaking of The Salvation Army Kettles, a feel good story by a couple who get it.
Click the button to give!
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Donate with Check or BillPay
Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.
Mail to:
Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173
US donations are tax-deductible
|
Tilly has also met the snow.
And she is so not into it.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 1, 2025 | Giving
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4phjCiK
This week, I want to focus on giving. To be up front, tomorrow we kick off our year-end donation drive. Perhaps that makes this seem self-serving, but that’s not my intention. Yes, I hope some of you will support us. But more importantly, I hope all of you will support something together.
Lori and I are all about giving to those who are less fortunate. We’ve taken folks in off the streets. We’ve volunteered for various good causes. For several years we were on the board of directors for a shelter that cared for women and children. We started a food drive at our church for the local food bank a decade ago, and now I’m on the board of directors for that food bank. Every Tuesday when I go to the YMCA, I take canned goods for their mini food pantry. We have also supported various non-profit ministries and missionaries over the years.
I share all of this not to brag, but to show that we’re living what I’m going to encourage you to do. And when I say you, I mean you and your spouse. Giving as a couple is a powerful thing that draws you together. I find that giving to others changes me. It changes my focus, and it usually makes me see how blessed I am. Doing that with my wife is even better, as we feel those things together.
Honestly, I don’t care where you give, as long as you support good causes. I do think you do well to include some of those Jesus called “the least of these”. If you want a suggestion, find a food bank. I can tell you from experience, most food banks do pretty well on food. What they really need is operating cash; rent, utilities, truck repairs, and staff salaries require cash. And a recurring donation they can count on is huge — even if the amount is small.
Another option is to provide directly for a family you know is struggling. That can mean taking them groceries or anonymously sending then gift cards from a grocery store. It might also be providing Christmas presents for children who would otherwise have few or no gifts. This kind of giving is a great way to teach your kids about giving.
~ This is Paul, and I think giving as a couple is Doing Marriage Well.
Widget has met the snow.
And she likes it!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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