by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 17, 2025 | GREAT!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Jd4EKJ
Last Friday, in Your Marriage Will Never Be Great Without Good Sex, I said sex was important for a marriage even if one person’s not into it. But not all sex is the same, and “just doing it” is not enough.
Let’s start with some Bible:
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. ~ 1 Corinthians 7:3 ESV
If we dig into the Greek, we find that we are expected to give what is “owed, due, or required.” It’s easy to say that what is required is regular sex. But it goes further. What is expected is regular sex that is enjoyed.
There are two big ways sex is not enjoyed. One is so-called mercy sex, where the uninterested spouse does the minimum required. No one enjoys “wake me when you’re done” sex. It takes care of the physical pressure, but the lack of emotional and relational connection makes it feel empty. Most people who get such sex often start to ask for sex less and less, choosing to take care of themselves alone. It is most commonly the wife who offers this kind of one-sided sex, but some women are on the receiving end of this problem.
The other kind of not enjoyed sex is also one-sided. But rather than one person being uninterested, it’s a husband who is unwilling to do what it would take for his wife to really enjoy the encounter.
I don’t just mean she doesn’t orgasm. Not orgasming is a problem, but as above, orgasm alone is not enough. Sex is a very emotional act, and women find that aspect necessary for sex to be good. A mechanical, emotionally distance performance that produces a response in her body won’t leave a woman feeling sexually satisfied. She needs to feel desired, pursued, and cherished.
A woman who gets emotionally empty orgasms will lose interest in sex. She may become a “sex just for you” wife because she finds that less painful.
The bigger picture is these issues are not usually sexual problems. Good sex requires a healthy marriage with a solid emotional connection. Great sex requires even more of those things. So while a couple with significant marriage issues can create a functional sex life that will reduce frustration for a time, they must heal and grow their marriage to move into sex that gives them both “what is required”.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well makes it possible to Do Sex Well.
A small portion of our garlic.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 16, 2025 | GREAT!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/491SLli
So far in this “Have a Great Marriage” series, I’ve put the burden on husband and wife equally. That’s fair; both can, and both should, do what they can to improve their marriage. But that said, I think there is more responsibility on the man.
Some call it headship. I find that term has been so misused as to be worthless. I’m not an egalitarian, but neither am I what most folks think when they hear “complementarian”.
When I read the Bible, I see that God made men and women different. And He called that difference good. He said women need men, but before that, He said men need women. He calls men to help and protect women. Not control them. Not shelter them. And certainly not use them for their own desires.
Leading your wife means doing what’s right and praying she will follow your lead. It also means continuing to do what’s right even if she doesn’t do likewise. It means being willing to wait as the prodigal son’s father waited. It means loving when you get anger or even hatred in return. It means taking the short end of the stick and praying rather than yelling.
The ugly little secret of being a leader in God’s kingdom is you don’t have power or rights. You have obligations and responsibility. This is true for church leaders and husbands. No sane person would chase this, but for men who follow Jesus, this is our lot. Embrace it, and do it well.
Can a wife turn around a marriage? Yes. But I think men are better able to do that because of how God made us. Are there women so determined to have an unhappy marriage or a divorce that her husband can’t change things? Yes. But this is honestly uncommon. Lori and I have seen it a few times, but not often. Most men can save their marriage, or make it far, far better, if they act in time.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well has gender differences.
Speaking of male leaders, Lori got our Tom turkey to pose for a picture.
He has been named D’Argo. And no, we don’t call the turkey pen Moya. But perhaps we should!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 15, 2025 | GREAT!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/43fLsTd
I’m reusing a picture today. When I posted this a few weeks ago, I thought it was powerful.
Why is this woman smiling and having loving thoughts as she once again picks up hubby’s socks that didn’t make it to the hamper? Because she loves her husband. She loves his quirks and small failings, because they make him who he is. She’s not brainwashed, hubby has done things that caused her to push back. But this she chooses to accept.
Love does. Love finds ways to say yes. It overlooks, or even learns to cherish, minor annoyances. Love gladly does things it sees as silly or unimportant because they’re important to the person they love. You could call it sacrifice, but it doesn’t feel that way because it really doesn’t cost that much, and it does so much for the one they love.
What I’m describing is the virtuous cycle of deep love. If you don’t have that in your marriage, you can kick-start it by doing what you would do if you did feel it. I’ve seen this change marriages: one spouse starts it out of faith, and it catches on like a bit of kindling starting a bonfire.
Give it a try. Make it an act of prayerful faith. Give and do like you’ve never done before. This is how you move from a poor marriage to a good one, and from a good marriage to a great one.
So there it is: the secret to a better marriage. And you don’t need anything from your spouse to give it a try.
Your move.
~ This is Paul, and faith helps us Do Marriage Well.
PS: This is not going to work if you are in an abusive or dead marriage. But if your spouse is a decent person, it can make a huge impact.
Getting some good fall colour!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 14, 2025 | GREAT!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/48tIwpD
Men: Your wife values something as much as you value sex. Find out what it is and give it to her ALL. THE. TIME! #MarriageTip
That came up in our Twitter rotation on Sunday. (Twitter, Bluesky) It’s a perfect intro to today’s topic. If you want to make your marriage better, you have to give your spouse what THEY want and need. Specifically, you must provide what they find most painfully missing from your relationship.
For a lot of men, and a few women, what is missing is sex. And when sex is what someone feels is missing, pretty much nothing else matters. What’s true for sex is also true for other empty places in our marriage. If it hurts, it has our attention. We can’t ignore it, and we find it difficult to focus on other things. So giving something other than what feels missing does little. It might even make things worse, if it seems you’re wasting time and energy you could use to provide what they are dying to have.
A short list of some of the things that spouses may feel are missing from their marriage:
- Communication. Not a few words, real connections where you share hopes, feelings, and fears.
- Non-sexual physical contact. Not a hug before sex, but long periods of snuggling, walking hand in hand, or sitting together with your arms around each other.
- Praying together. We hear this from women often.
- Help around the house or with the kids. It’s about more than splitting the work load, it’s about being a team.
- Being involved in each other’s hobbies and interests. This need not be doing, but you should listen and ask questions enough to speak intelligently about it.
- Engaging in adventures and fun activities together.
- Mutual friends. And spending time with them.
- Dreaming and planning together.
None of these is unrealistic to want, and none is difficult to do. If you don’t enjoy whatever, work on that. Can you do it because your spouse needs it? Tweak it to find a way you can both enjoy it.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires meeting your spouse’s wants and needs.
Tilly challenges anything that comes into her hunting ground.
This thing growls loud, but it’s really slow.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 13, 2025 | GREAT!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46YjXjH
Do everything in your power to make your marriage great. Give them anything within reason they say they want. ~ Me, last week.
So what does “within reason” mean?
My first thought is things Jesus told us about dealing with people in general. We are to go the extra mile, turn the other cheek, and forgive seven times seventy. The bar is set rather high, and if we’re to do these with people we may not know or care about, how much more should we do for the person we love most in the world?
But we are not called to be doormats. So how do we find the balance?
I’m all about providing what my wife needs to feel safe, sane, comfortable, and loved. Because I love her, I am willing to give and do a great deal to ensure those things. However, I should consider what it costs for me to do what she says she needs. Additionally, I need to receive from her.
If I don’t want to give my wife something she wants from me, the vital question is why don’t I want to give it to her? Will it bankrupt us? Will it take more of my time than I can reasonably give? Will it harm me, physically or mentally? Am I doing all or most of the giving, and has that been going for a while? All of these are valid reasons to say no.
On the other hand, am I holding back because I have allowed myself to become too busy? Am I grumpy because of work or other things that have nothing to do with my wife? Am I being selfish, controlling, or manipulative? Am I denying her because I feel she has denied me? None of these passes muster with God.
God calls us to radial giving, extraordinary generosity, and not holding a grudge. If what my wife wants is within my power without hurting myself, then I should give it.
It’s difficult to give, especially when life is tough. But it’s the right thing to do, and it can turn a marriage from bad to good, or from good to great.
Yes, if it’s one-sided for a long time, that’s a problem. But doing unto your spouse as they have done unto you is not the answer. Give as you should, and get help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well sometimes calls for sacrifice.
Got a shot of the trees and clouds playing with moonlight!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 10, 2025 | GREAT!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4q2J0tf
On Monday, I said, “Do everything in your power to make your marriage great. Give them anything within reason they say they want.“
The important part there is doing what your spouse desires. Doing what you want, or what you think they should want, won’t improve your marriage. Next week I will talk about various things that a spouse could legitimately need. I will also talk about how we define “within reason”. Today, I want to focus on one of the most common sticking points: sex.
If you want a great marriage, you must have a good sex life. If you want a good marriage, you will need a good sex life. Not having a good sex life is like throwing a bucket of cold water on your marriage. It will cool the marriage down and lead to hard feelings.
Both the Bible and science tell us that regular sex is good for a marriage. It’s not a bonus, and it’s not optional; not if you want your marriage to be strong and healthy.
But what if you don’t enjoy sex? What if you don’t want it because of other marriage issues? Then I suggest a three-step process. First, you find a way to improve sex for the spouse who is frustrated about it. I’m not talking about what they have always dreamed of, I’m talking about better, and regular. Then you work on the rest of the marriage. And finally, when everything else is good, you come back to sex and make it good. Or great!
For that initial sex improvement, I’d recommend some sort of sex three times a week, with intercourse and both of you climaxing at least once a week. The other two times each week is whatever the less interested spouse is willing to do. This is no one’s dream sex life, but it is enough to get past sex and work on other things.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires Doing Sex Well.
Moonrise at sunset.
Shot this from a friend’s house.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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