by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 18, 2026 | Imperfect
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4y4vzg7
Perfectionism is a real sex killer.
Even if you got decent sex education, when you first had sex, there was a lot of unknown that could only be resolved with trial and error. I’ve heard a few folks say first sex was good for both of them, but it’s the exception. Most couples are not warned about the things that likely won’t go right at first, and high expectations can make what would be okay sex seem like a failure.
Where we get our expectations is also a major factor. If either spouse thinks porn is at all realistic, they are in for disappointment. Likewise, if the woman has fed on a diet of romance novels. Expecting your spouse to be like the people in media creates something they will never live up to.
Perfectionism can hurt a couple’s sex life well past the early days. Some women who don’t orgasm early on assume they are broken and accept that rather than talking about it and finding a fix. This is especially likely for women who have wrongly been told all women can and should orgasm from intercourse. Other women feel like a failure because they only have one orgasm at a time (like most women) or don’t squirt (most women don’t).
For men it’s about erections. Men get worried when they get past thirty and are no longer fully erect and ready to go at the drop of a panty. They fear a normal change means there is something wrong with them. The wife who notices this change may assume her husband is no longer attracted to her. Full-on ED is even worse. Some men are so ashamed they stop having sex with their wife, resorting to masturbation instead. They would like to have sex with their wife but can’t deal with not being able to do it “right”.
Both men and women get caught up in the lie that women orgasm quickly and easily. Most do that on occasion, and a few do so most of the time, but the majority of women need far more time than media portrays. This leads to disappointment, bad sex, and possibly trying to fix something that isn’t broken.
Sex should be a journey, not a destination. It will be ever-changing, and there are always new things to explore if you’re both willing. Relax your expectations, get rid of that list of shoulds, and enjoy real sex with your wonderful spouse. A good starting place is working to be able to discuss sex openly as a couple.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple, and for every season of life.
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 17, 2026 | Imperfect
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4isKKuu
Have you ever left something broken because it’s slated for replacement? Or it’s not right but sort of works, and it will be gone in six months, so you let it be. You put up with something annoying because you don’t want to put in the time or money to fix it when your efforts will be wiped out later.
Lori and I are years into a very slow building process, and we’ve faced a lot of these issues. One of them, I don’t recall what it was, got so annoying that I did a halfway fix. It took a fraction of the time and money I would later spend to do it right, but it made our lives so much easier until I got to the real fix. I told Lori it was two-year temporary, and the term stuck.
Two-year temporary acknowledges that there will be a major rework down the road. It’s better than duct tape and bungees, but not too involved or expensive. Most importantly, it reduces an ongoing frustration a great deal. For us, two-year temporary has to be safe, functional, and not ugly. And at least once, it was just about covering up something ugly that would later be removed. The ugly was still there, but we didn’t have to look at it.
How could you apply the idea of two-year temporary to your marriage? An easy example would be if one of you was finishing school while the other was working a job they didn’t like. It’s not the life or marriage you will have. But that doesn’t mean you have to just put up with everything. Pick a couple things that really bother you and figure out how to easily and inexpensively make them somewhat better for now.
Having a baby creates a similar situation. A difficult teen is another one. Other examples are a long-term illness or having to care for an ageing parent. All of these things can derail your life for a season.
You have to do what needs to be done in difficult times, but don’t surrender completely to circumstances. You may not be able to do what you want the way you want, but you can find a way to have something along the same lines.
If your spouse needed the bedroom and bathroom to be wheelchair friendly for a year, you would get that done for them. How do you do the same for your relationship? How do you meet the emotional needs you both have? How do you remain emotionally intimate? What changes do you need to make?
Ironically, we are more likely to do these things if our situation has changed permanently than if the change is for a season. Fight that tendency. Short-term fixes can be very good things, and half of what you want can be more than enough.
~ This is Paul, and sometimes Doing Marriage Well means doing what you can.
Starting to feed sunflowers to birds and bunnies.
The turkeys were unaware it was food.
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 16, 2026 | Imperfect
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4di0Ljm
As I’ve suggested that perfectionism is not a good thing, some of you may have thought, “Wait, didn’t Jesus tell us to be perfect?” Yes, but no.
You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. ~ Matthew 5:48 ESV
The word “perfect” comes from the Greek word teleios. It means complete, mature, or fully grown. But we don’t have to dig into the Greek to know we can’t be perfect. In Mark 10:18 Jesus said, “No one is good except God alone.” If we can’t even be called good, we certainly are not called to be perfect.
Most modern versions of the Bible render Mt 5:48 better. Unfortunately some of us were hit with a lot of inaccurate theology that taught us we were supposed to reach a level of perfection God never called us to. Some who know they are saved by faith in Jesus still feel they have to earn God’s love or do enough good to deserve heaven. Even some who know this is false still react to it internally. The gospel of perfectionism remains strong among some Christians.
The corollary to this is that we must be perfect, or very close to it, to deserve love from our spouse. Do you feel that way? Does that drive you? Does it make you frustrated? Does it make you feel you can never be good enough for your spouse? Has it caused you to give up?
What your spouse feels here is not the issue. If you believe you must earn their love, that is about you, and what they think can’t change that. And if you don’t think you have to earn their love, then what they think doesn’t have power over you.
On the other side of it, do you expect your spouse to earn your love? Do you hold back when you don’t think they are doing enough? Might this be happening subconsciously?
Yes, we should push ourselves to be better and to treat our spouse better. But a quid-pro quo marriage is an abomination God never envisioned. Love does not keep score, and it’s happy to take the short end of the stick on occasion. This has to run both ways over time, but there will be seasons where it’s mostly one way.
~ This is Paul, and I’m glad neither God nor my bride limits me to what I deserve!
Lori and I see a lot of “Jeep Ducking” around here.
This little guy is our favourite, so far
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 15, 2026 | Imperfect
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4xUMd1r
The danger of perfectionism is that the relentless pursuit of impossible standards severely harms mental health, stunts personal growth, and paralyzes productivity.
That’s a Google AI summation of various articles on the dangers of perfectionism. I’ve known full-on perfectionists who were all of that and more. They had scary family dynamics, doing anything they could to hide any imperfection or problem in the family. They would lie, and got angry if their spouse and children didn’t do the same. One husband complained the plastic slip covers were removed as company pulled up, and put back on as soon as they left the house. He felt his marriage was also kept in a slip cover.
That level of perfectionism crosses into a mental health issue and is not common. But a somewhat lower level of perfectionism is all too common and destructive to individuals, marriages, and families.
One cause of perfectionism is growing up with a parent or parents who had unrealistic expectations. This often manifests as only showing affection or attention when the child succeeds. This creates a desperate chase for something that may not be reachable and certainly can’t be achieved in a sane, healthy way. Some folks are still trying to meet mom’s or dad’s standard years or decades later. Some react by putting unhealthy high standards on their spouse, and withhold affection when the standard isn’t met.
Other folks reject their parent’s crazy expectations. This might lead to sane standards for one’s self. But it can also result in not trying, or being okay with doing far less than they could and should. Those who rejected their parents’ too-high standards won’t react well to a spouse trying to set standards, even if what the spouse wants is reasonable. If you were pushed with perfectionism and pushed back, ask yourself if you are still pushing back out of habit. Have you ever said, “You’re not the boss of me?” Do you feel it even though you don’t say it?
In most marriages, one spouse wants certain things done to a higher standard than the other. And usually both have areas where their standard is higher. This can be a major battleground for couples.
Is your spouse’s standard higher than yours, or is it unreasonably high? Is what they want possible without killing yourself? Is it just more than you want, or unfair to ask?
If you both have places with higher standards, then with some give and take, you can make it work. If one of you has higher standards about most things, that will take some negotiation. Decide which of those things you really need done to your standard, and which you can live with done to a lower standard. There certainly should be some sacrifice here, but too much of that will become a problem long term.
All of this may require some third-party help. Determining reasonable is difficult if you’ve never known it!
~ This is Paul, and Widget gives a hard no to slipcovers
Fresh eggs. Keeping four adults and four kids in eggs.
Our turkey is still lying eggs, well past the season for it. Was her mother a perfectionist?
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 14, 2026 | Imperfect
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4cKyVw2
I’m sure you’ve heard Hunter S Thompson’s “Anything worth doing, is worth doing right.” But have you heard how G.K. Chesterton turned that on its head, saying, “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.”
The statement is not about doing things poorly. It’s about the danger of perfectionsim. If fear of failure stops you from trying, that’s a problem. If you won’t even try because you know you can’t do it perfectly, then you are lost. Saying it’s worth doing badly means doing it badly is better than not doing it at all. Far better.
This is a very important idea to apply to your marriage. No one does marriage perfectly; we all make mistakes and blow it from time to time. We must avoid getting so hung up on our failures that we stop trying.
Just as important, we have to feel the same way about our spouse. When they make an effort, do you thank them for that, even if they blow it? Sometimes getting it right is important to us, but we must still value an honest attempt. If we don’t, we’re telling them we expect perfection. And that’s a good way to get them to give up.
I’ve been far from perfect in my marriage. Especially the first few years. I cringe when I remember things I said and did thinking they were a good idea. Fortunately Lori has always been fair and reasonable, even when I hurt her. That has both encouraged me to keep trying and made me want to get it right for her sake.
Over 41 years later I’m still not perfect. I blow it less often and less spectacularly, but I still blow it. And my wonderful wife still loves, forgives, and thanks me for my efforts.
BTW, Chesterton was also a brilliant Christian apologist. He said, “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.“
~ This is Paul, and perfectionism has no part to play in Doing Marriage Well
Finally got some beans
Tasted great!
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
