by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 17, 2026 | Keeping Sex Good
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4erPm1O
Today’s topic isn’t just an issue for older folks, but it can become a blockade to sex for those over fifty. Let’s talk about “sex drive”.
Modern society has reduced sex drive to a physical urge to have sex. Being “horny” in common terms. But sex drive is far more than what is going on between our legs. It is also what we think and feel. Our emotions and relationship are a big part of it.
Most women, about three-quarters, rarely or never feel a physical sex drive outside of when they are having sex. This is normal for them and doesn’t mean they have no interest in sex. There are women who seek and enjoy sex often despite never feeling a physical push to do so. The way society treats sex may cause these women to worry something is wrong with them. But this responsive desire is perfectly normal.
If you want to have sex with your husband, don’t wait to feel it “down there”. Tell him you want sex, but you will need his help getting your body to want it. Then relax and enjoy.
What about guys? Most young men have a very strong physical drive; so much so they may ignore or be unaware of the other aspects of their sex drives. As they get older, they may need to get in touch with these other aspects. Less physical drive doesn’t mean they have lost interest in sex or their wife; it just means their bodies have changed.
It’s common for men and women to think the penis is a barometer of a man’s sexual desire. But this is wrong. A man can have an erection and zero interest in having sex. Alternatively, a man can very much want sex and not have an erection. Or be able to get one.
I talked earlier this week about ED drugs. These work for most men, but not all. And some can’t take them because of medical issues. A pump will give any man an erection. Some couples find this useful; some do not.
But not being able to get an erection need not be the end of a couple’s sex life. A man does not need an erection to pleasure his wife to orgasm. He can use his hands, his mouth, or a sex toy on her. What’s more, he doesn’t need an erection to have an orgasm. Manual sex will get him there. Oral is generally more effective. A strong vibrator is a very good way. Focus on the underside of the head of the penis.
Erections are nice, but they are not necessary for great sex. Likewise for physical sex drive. If you want to be sexual, you can find a way.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well looks different in different seasons of life.
This is what eighteen newly hatched chicks look like.
We had a great hatch rate this time. Lori really has it dialed in!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 16, 2026 | Keeping Sex Good
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4vzmlY7
On Tuesday I discussed some ways age brings about sexual challenges for men. Today, the ladies.
Her intimate tissues need estrogen, and levels of estrogen fall at menopause. This causes tissues to thin, which can make sex uncomfortable. The easy solution is topical estrogen, in the form of creams, rings, or tablets. Your doctor will decide what is best for you.
Topical estrogen has been shown to restore tissue thickness, increase elasticity, improve lubrication, and lower vaginal pH. In addition to reducing or eliminating pain during intercourse, these changes also help prevent recurrent urinary tract infections.
As the estrogen is applied to the genitals, it does not change blood levels significantly. Because of this, it is generally considered safe for women who have had breast and reproductive cancers. Your doctor can tell you more if you are in this category.
Medication is the first step, but sometimes the body needs a little extra help. Without regular intercourse, the post-menopause vagina can atrophy, making intercourse uncomfortable, painful, or impossible. Estrogen will help, but it might take more. Careful stretching will restore the vagina. One way to do this is to have him insert his well-lubricated penis and remain still. Work up to a couple of minutes. If you can’t do this, start with a finger or two. Men, if you do this for your wife, self-control is a must. If you become overly enthusiastic, you risk injuring her and causing her to lose trust. Women, if he does this for you, offer to finish him by hand when he feels the need. And ask him to do the same for you.
If intercourse is not possible, or too uncomfortable, there is an option that Lori and I call ‘pseudocourse’. After foreplay, he lies on his back and lubricates the underside of his penis. He holds his penis up against his body, and she straddles him as if to have intercourse. She presses her genitals against his, then moves her vulva up and down along his penis. This is strongly stimulating for both, and will lead to orgasm for both.
As this method provides clitoral stimulation, she can orgasm even if she never has from penetration. You can control how much stimulation he receives by adjusting the amount of rubbing on the glans of his penis. If she starts near the base, he will enjoy it but won’t quickly climax. More stimulation of the glans will get him to orgasm faster.
~ This is Paul, and there are ways to keep Doing Sex Well.
I love the yellow the willows put on as they get ready to put out leaves!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 15, 2026 | Keeping Sex Good
Podcast: https://bit.ly/483FxmS
What a couple most needs to have a great sex life in their silver years has to do with their thinking.
Be intentional about sex: Start that now, whether you’re twenty or sixty. It will make sex now better, and prepare you to deal with any speed bumps age puts in our way. Be intentional about having sex regularly. Decide what is critical enough to get in the way of sex, and don’t allow anything that is not on that short list to keep you from sex.
Be intentional about dealing with problems. That means relationship issues that mess up sex, “my body doesn’t do that any more” issues, and anything else that negatively impacts sex.
Attitude is everything: Showing up for sex is not enough. You must both be involved. Touch and play. Say something nice about your spouse’s body, or what they are doing to your body. When sex is over, let them know you enjoyed it.
This needs to happen even when the sex is not for you. Sex “just for one of you” is a valid way of dealing with different drives, but the one who is there for their spouse needs to really be there. Failure to engage makes sex just a physical act, and that does not lead to a lifetime of great sex.
Be open to change: As your bodies and minds change, what was great in the past may be only good today. And in a year it may not even be good. Change it up from time to time, and see if something a bit different is easier or more enjoyable. Expand your repertoire before you need something new.
Ageing can slow arousal for both wife and husband. At some point he will need physical foreplay to get fully erect when she is ready for intercourse. This does not mean he no longer finds her desirable; it is a normal change that comes with age. His erections may be less firm than they once were, but still perfectly functional. She may need some added lubricant. Sore backs and injured knees can make the position you both enjoy difficult for one of you, and eventually impossible.
You might have to rethink when you have sex. If one or both of you are too tired at the end of the day for good sex, consider morning sex or afternoon delight. Learn what works for you, and do that.
What if something happens that makes intercourse impossible for a season? Or for the rest of your lives? Does that mean sex is over? Do you both see sex as more than tab A in slot B? Will you continue to share intimacy and pleasure in other ways? Discussing this now rather than when it happens is a good plan.
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It’s probably been said too often that the brain is the biggest sex organ, but the idea is valid. It’s also critical if you and your spouse are going to keep enjoying sexual intimacy.
~ This is Paul, and I want you to keep Doing Sex Well for a very long time.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 14, 2026 | Keeping Sex Good
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4dLHI2a
When a middle-aged or older guy tells me he is struggling with ED, I ask two follow-up questions.
- Do you get hard, then gradually go soft?
- Do you ever wake with good hard erections?
If the answer to the first question is “Yes” the guy may be dealing with venous leak erectile dysfunction. A good erection requires two things to happen. First, the muscles around the arteries to the penis must relax to increase blood flow. Second, as the penis gets hard, the veins that drain it are compressed, reducing the flow of blood out of it. Venous leak means the veins allow too much blood to get out.
ED drugs won’t fix venous leak ED because they function by relaxing the muscles and increasing blood flow. They do nothing to slow blood loss. But there is an easy solution with a solid success rate – a penis ring. A ring around the base of the penis compresses the veins, reducing blood flow out of it. For safety, the ring should be snug, not tight; should be easy to remove; and should be worn for no more than half an hour. Married Dance has a number of rings. This set is a good starting place.
A recent study found 85% of men with ED have venous leakage. So some men will need both a drug and a ring for good, lasting erections.
The second question is important because men without ED get rock hard erections during every dream. If you wake from a dream, you wake with an erection. Such erections prove the plumbing works. A lack of morning erections could mean ED. If you wake hard, but struggle during sex, the issue may be something mental or relational. Or you may just be too worn out at the end of the day. Some Saturday morning, put that morning erection to the test.
When needed, both Viagra and Cialis work well and are easy to get. Actually, too easy. ED can be a warning sign of cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol. If you can’t get a usable erection, PLEASE have a doctor check for these things. ED might be the only warning you get.
If you need pills, I suggest Cialis because it works for up to 36 hours. A daily dose allows a man to get an erection at any time, just like before he had ED. If your insurance won’t cover ED drugs, get a prescription for the generic. It’s the same drug, at a fraction of the price. You should be able to find it for less than a dollar a pill. Check Amazon Pharmacy, I’ve talked to friends who are happy with them, and they have a very low price.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is easier with an erection!
My daughter-in-law got some pictures of a bald eagle as it checked out our chickens and rabbits.
The second image is along the front of our house.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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