by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 8, 2025 | Labels
Podcast: https://bit.ly/45vAoBZ
We’ve all had sex labels put on us.
Men are often told they are monsters. They hear that all men are potential rapists. Their sex drive is too strong. It’s dangerous. They can’t help using and hurting women.
A decent guy who buys into this is fearful he is going to hurt his wife. So he holds back. He can’t be himself, and he can’t fully enjoy sex as he fights to retrain the monster in his pants that will hurt his wife.
Even a bit of this message can keep a man from being the lover God intended him to be. And his wife will have no idea, as he can’t admit the horrible truth to her.
Wives, you can help your guy with this by embracing his sexuality and calling it good. Encourage him to be free in bed. Ask him what he wants but is afraid of.
Women get called bad girl, slut, or tease. This can cause a woman to repress her sexuality. Many single Christian women deny their God given sexual urges. Then, when they get married, there is no magic switch to turn that off so she could feel okay about her desire for her husband.
Some women got so good at suppressing, they don’t feel desire for their husband. Others feel it, and feel bad for desiring or enjoying sex. Or for desiring or enjoying things they feel they should not. They know in their heads it’s okay, but in their hearts they fear it makes them bad.
This unspoken dilemma causes confusion for husbands. I often hear men say, “When she let me do oral, she always had a get orgasm, but now she won’t let me do it.” He saw her pleasure, but not the turmoil it caused her. The same happens with certain positions, sex toys, or multiple orgasms, all of which can cause her both pleasure and guilt.
Husbands, you can help by telling your wife that her desires and enjoyment are right and holy with God. If you know she will enjoy something but feel bad about it later, don’t do that thing. Discuss it apart from sex until she is okay with it.
~ This is Paul, warning you that labels can get in the way of Doing Sex Well.
We planted the red potatoes close so we could dig up half of them for new potatoes.
Going to pick some of our green beans and cook them both up with brats!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 7, 2025 | Labels
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4oqVeuW
Today, a different kind of parental label that can mess up our lives and marriages. This one doesn’t seem negative. It may seem very supportive. But when you mislabel someone, you harm them. Even if you act in love.
Think of the high school boy who is playing football because his father is trying to relive his glory days. Of the girl who is all about ballet because mom would love for her to become the famous dancer that mom tried and failed to become. They are trying to live out a dream that is not their dream, and it keeps them from being who God intended them to be.
Perhaps the child showed an initial interest in the endeavour, and an excited parent pushed too hard. Or maybe it was all the parent. Either way, enthusiasm and encouragement became a label they could not escape.
Other examples of this are the mother who wants her son to be a doctor, or the dad who wants his only daughter to become a mother of many children. It might be expecting a child to follow you and join the military, or take over the family business.
If you see this playing out in your life, you can deal with it. If you see it in your spouse’s life, it will take some gentle, loving discussion to help them see it.
If you realise you have followed a path that was not your path, there are no easy solutions. But trying to be who your mother or father wanted you to be will slowly crush your soul, and harm your marriage along the way.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires being you.
It looks like tomato season is on!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 6, 2025 | Labels
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fp9cZX
There is a label being used more and more that Lori and I hate. The word is narcissist, but we call it “the N word”.
We’ve had folks tell us their spouse is a narcissist. And all over social media I see things like “My wife is a narcissist” or “How do I deal with my narcissist boyfriend?”
First, unless you are trained to the point of having a degree, you can’t diagnose narcissism. And it can’t be diagnosed second hand, so if your friends tell you your spouse is a narcissist, it may be time to get new friends.
My real frustration with this label is that it is often used as an excuse for the one applying the label to not work on their marriage. If your spouse is a narcissist, then the problems are obviously their fault, and nothing you do will matter. I’ve also seen this used as an excuse to walk away from a marriage without going for help, because “a narcissist won’t get help”, so why bother.
The same thing is done with other labels. Words like “abusive” and “disrespectful” get slapped on spouses without any clear evidence of them being true. And denying these labels does no good, as “that is what an abusive husband or disrespectful wife does”. The denial is seen by the labelling spouse as proof they are right!
Usually, labels say more about the one applying them than the one being labelled.
~ This is Paul, suggesting that name-calling is not Doing Marriage Well.
Whisky, the property dog, is so patient with children.
The blue in the young lady’s right hand is a hairbrush she is using on the long-suffering dog. Good girl, Whisky, good girl.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 5, 2025 | Labels
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3HmEUKO
If your spouse was labelled in bad ways as a child, you can make a difference for them. If she was called stupid, then remark as often as you can about her intelligence, and point out examples. If he was called weak, thank him for his strength, and give real world examples.
I have called my wife beautiful all of our marriage. It took a while for her to believe it because it challenged what she had been told growing up. But over time I was able to help her remove the lie, and accept the truth.
Replacing an old label is slow-going. It was burned into your spouse’s mind when they were young, and such things can be tenacious. But if keep at it, you will eventually see a change.
Another thing that will help is not allowing their family to keep putting that label on them. Push back gently when they do. If someone doesn’t take the hint, you could privately ask them to stop. But publicly challenging the label will bless your spouse a great deal.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well sometimes means challenging lies.
Got our first patty pan of the year.
Patty pan are a mild summer squash. A couple of these are a bit large so we will do them stuffed and not eat the outside.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 4, 2025 | Labels
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4lbjkHi
This week, I want to talk about labels. Specifically, the labels others put on us.
There is an old adage:
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names shall never hurt me.
As nice as that sounds, it’s often not true. Children in particular lack the ability to not be hurt by words. When we are labelled negatively over and over, it sticks. We accept the label as truth. Or we fight it, but fear it’s correct.
Sadly, many of us are still allowing those labels to affect us years or decades later. We make life choices because of those labels. We limit ourselves because of those labels, thinking or fearing we can only fail. Words like “stupid”, ugly, weak, sissy, and so many others become chains that keep us from living the lives God called us to.
These labels can become marriage issues. But, as is often the case with wounds from our past, we may not realise the real issues. This is especially true when our spouse is being limited or triggered by a label from their childhood.
Give a thought to the labels family and other kids tried to hang on you. Did you accept those as truth? Do you still wear them to this day? Have you shared this information with your spouse?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that our past can interfere with Doing Marriage Well.
These are the berries of the mountain ash. I’ve always liked their summer colour, and talked about getting some for our property.
Some bird took care of that for us, dropping a seed at the top of the drive. We will collect berries this fall and grow more of them.
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