by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 11, 2025 | Marriage Killer
Sex in the form of adultery can kill a marriage quickly. But usually when sexual problems kill a marriage, it takes years or decades. And when it happens, it’s unlikely the sexually frustrated spouse will voice sex as the reason for leaving. But it’s a factor in many divorces.
The most common sex issue is one spouse not having nearly as much sex as they want. It’s the man more often than not, but plenty of women are done with their marriages because their husband is not there for them sexually. Other marriage crippling sexual issues are fights about what to do in bed, porn use, and the wife not having an orgasm as often as she wants.
Typically, when a spouse is frustrated about sex, they complain and nothing happens. Or there is a slight improvement for a time, then it goes back to how it was. And the situation tends to get worse over time. The unhappy spouse eventually realises it will never change, and they stop complaining about it. The other spouse may wrongly take this as evidence everything is okay now. But it’s far from okay. The marriage is slowly dying. Ultimately, either the unhappy spouse will leave, or the couple becomes roommates.
If your spouse has stopped complaining about sex, you need to see that as evidence your marriage is on life support. It’s difficult to fix things at this point, but it’s critical to try. And yes, there is help for this. Lori and I do coaching for sexual problems.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well means you’re both happy with your sex life.
And so it begins:
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 10, 2025 | Marriage Killer
The Bible tells us that the love of money is the root of all evils. It does not mention that money troubles are the root of many marriage problems, but this is certainly true.
This is not about being broke. I know couples with nothing who are happily married. I also know rich couples who are miserable.
Money problems cause stress, and that’s hard on your marriage. But that stress alone won’t harm your marriage significantly, and it certainly won’t lead to a divorce.
The real issue is being on the same page. This means you both understand your finances, but there’s more to it. If you’re broke because of a choice one of you made unilaterally, that’s going to hurt your marriage. If one of you is a spender and the other a saver, that will be a source of friction. Fights about how to spend your disposable income causes problems no matter how big or small that amount may be.
If you both agree you’re going to live very simply, it won’t be a problem. If you both want to be outrageous givers, that actually pulls you together. Agreement is the magic here.
Lori and I highly recommend Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University class. If you’ve never done it, please do. If it’s been a decade, please do it again. You may not agree with Dave 100%, but if you do the class together you will learn where your differences are, and you will gain the tools to making a path forward that works for both of you. It will put you on the same page, and that will be very good for your marriage.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Finances Well looks different for every couple.
We’ve been getting a lot of rain.
This view sometimes gives us a great rainbow, but today just clouds.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 9, 2025 | Marriage Killer
In-laws can be a blessing. Or a curse. When I say in-laws, I mean all of his and her parents, and stepparents.
Some in-laws are just mean. And while we think of it being aimed at their son or daughter in-law, it can also be aimed at their adult child.
There may be a honeymoon period, or it could be nasty from day one. Some parents do okay until the couple has children; differences on how to raise children are a common issue.
It’s important to address in-law problems early, before it becomes entrenched. You need to show a unified front, but it’s critical for the spouse with the problem parent(s) to take the lead. Make it clear the behaviour is unacceptable, and will not be tolerated. If the issue is attacking or insulting your spouse, make it clear you have chosen your spouse over your parent, and will distance yourself if they can’t act better. Then follow through.
God tells us that we are to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. That is not about physical distance, it’s about our emotions and loyalty. If you don’t leave well, you can’t cleave well. If your spouse is not first, your marriage is in big trouble.
If you’re old enough to be the in-laws, please, please, PLEASE be amazing. Unless there is abuse going on, smile and shut up. Be supportive. Keep “suggestions” few and loving. Never bad talk your child’s spouse, and be kind even if said spouse is, in your estimation, a jerk.
If your spouse is being that kind of in-law, tell them to knock it off. I know several folks who are not allowed to see their grandkids, and for the most part it’s justified.
If you deal with your adult kids in a kind and loving way, you will all be happier. They might even turn to you for advice. And they won’t worry about you loving on your grandkids.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that honouring your parents doesn’t require putting up with bad behaviour.
This is (part of) Whiskey, the dog on the property.
Whiskey is on a mission to eradicate our ground squirrel population. And I’m okay with that.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 8, 2025 | Marriage Killer
Kids.
Kids are a blessing. They can also be a lot of work, and a major time suck. They can also be a source of arguments. How do we discipline? How do we school them? For that matter, how many are we going to have, and will one parent stay home with the kids?
Ideally, you deal with these issues long before you have children. But even if you do that, there will be adjustments and more things to decide along the way.
A kid issue that is more and more common is the child or children who don’t move out when they become adults. This can become a major point of contention if mom and dad disagree about when the kids need to be on their own. Even if you agree they should have more time, there are issues that come with having an adult child in your home.
I’ve talked to more than a few men who feel they lost their wife to their kids. As she put more and more into them, she had no time for him. On the other side, I’ve heard from women who feel they must take care of 100% of the kids needs. All too often, the parent who is struggling says nothing at first, thinking things will change. When there is no change, they don’t know how to protest something they have put up with for years.
Kids deserve and need time and input from both mom and dad. But mom and dad have to maintain a healthy marriage at the same time. This is necessary not only for the couple, but for their kids. Divorce is devastating for children. Fear of divorce is also harmful, as is seeing marital stress between mom and dad.
If you have struggles over kid issues, please talk them out. If you can’t do that as a couple, get help.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that raising kids well looks different for every family.
Speaking of children: We were at our church small group on April 1st, and the kids got creative.
Happy April Fools’ Day to us!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 7, 2025 | Marriage Killer
This week, I want to talk about The Big Four. Four common issues that hurt many marriages. These things may not be listed as reasons for divorces, but they hurt a marriage, slowing weakening it. It’s like a roof that is rotting because it is wet most of the time. When a wind tears the roof off, or a couple of inches of snow cause it to cave in, the real cause of the collapse is the rot that has weakened the roof for years. A solid roof would have survived.
The big four are kids, in-laws, money, and sex.
What makes these things so difficult is they are a normal part of most marriages. You can’t avoid them; you have to figure out how to deal with them well. You have to find a way of dealing with these that works for both of you, and for your marriage.
What’s more, these things change over time, so what dealing with them well means will change. You have to be aware of changes and check in to see if you need to make adjustments.
I’ll cover one of the four each of the next four days. For today, think about them. Which of these is a problem for you? Which for your spouse?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple
I went to get my jacket, and got my hand swatted.
Tilly has few places she likes to hang, but she is always looking for new places.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
