by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 31, 2026 | Me vs You
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4w4vAPh
Have you ever treated your spouse badly because they didn’t give you the response you desired in bed? Do you think your spouse has ever done this to you?
The hardcore versions of this are only being nice after you get sex or only saying yes to sex when you want something. Usually it’s more subtle, but if it keeps happening the other spouse figures it out.
Rather than kicking around various ways this plays out, I want to deal with an issue that can be part of this. It’s called SEX IS DIFFERENT! Sex is different, and the rules that apply to the rest of the marriage relationship do not apply to sex. Sex gets its own set of rules.
The spouse who’s less interested in sex doesn’t want to feel obliged to have sex unless they want it. They feel they should have the right to veto sex for any reason. And the idea of being sexually generous is borderline abuse. The reasoning is that sex is so intimate and personal it’s unfair to treat it like every other aspect of marriage.
The spouse who’s more interested in sex feels sex should happen regardless of what is happening in the relationship. They feel being at odds with each other, or having treated their spouse poorly, should not justify saying no to sex. Sex is not part of the relationship; it’s a whole different thing. The reasoning is sex is so important it’s wrong to say no for relationship issues.
I think both of these are wrong. And unbiblical.
The Bible is clear that we are to be sexual. Aside from medical or other life-happens reasons, it gives one valid reason for not having sex: and that one is to be by mutual consent. On the other hand, the Bible does not make anyone a sexual slave, and it does not give a spouse the right to demand sex. If you have hurt your spouse or ignored them, their not wanting to have sex is reasonable. It’s not retaliation; it’s emotional self-protection. What’s more, forcing yourself to have sex in such a situation causes additional hurt and can make the person stop wanting sex at all.
If you think sex is different, I suggest you spend some time thinking and praying about that. Are you making excuses or justifying something? Is what you think fair to your spouse? Does it favour love, generosity, and godly behaviour?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
Tilly?
I just want to play.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 30, 2026 | Me vs You
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3TjCq5R
The other two things Jay Stringer warned us about justifying doing to our spouse were emotional reactivity and control.
Emotional reactivity is the tendency to respond impulsively and strongly to everyday frustrations and minor issues. Emotional reactivity is driven by our fight-or-flight system, not our rational mind. We can try to fight it, or we can give into it.
Once emotional reactivity kicks in, you can no longer have a calm, rational discussion. We don’t really hear what is being said to us when we are emotionally reactive, because we see our spouse as a threat to us. We attack, run, or freeze, none of which allows for discussion.
External stress is often a factor. If you already feel threatened, it doesn’t take much to be pushed over the edge. But if we justify doing this to our spouse because of other stress, it means we won’t even try to avoid it. Neither do we feel the need to apologise for it later.
Control is a common issue in marriage. We all want control of our life and surroundings, and controlling our spouse makes us feel we have that. The problem, of course, is no one likes being controlled.
Men tend to try to control overtly, while women are more likely to be manipulative. Both hurt a marriage. No one wants to be close to or interact with someone who is trying to control them.
Beyond withdrawal, contempt, emotional reactivity, and control, are there other things you have justified, or been tempted to justify, because your spouse hasn’t given you the response you desire from them? Where are you holding back or pushing because of what you see as their failed response?
~ This is Paul, and justification does not lead to Doing Marriage Well.
Got the young turkeys moved in with their parents.
Took about five minutes for them to become a flock.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 29, 2026 | Me vs You
Podcast: https://bit.ly/44YAkL9
Jay Sringer talked about the damage done to marriages when people justify withdrawal or contempt. Let’s look at those things.
Withdrawal means pulling away, shutting down emotionally, and/or stopping all but the most necessary communication. As withdrawal will result in not engaging when there is friction, the lack of arguing is sometimes mistaken for being a good thing. But it’s not growth or agreement; it just means the person no longer cares. And apathy is a marriage killer.
Withdrawal usually means less physical touch. No longer is there snuggling when going to sleep or waking. It will likely also mean less sexual engagement. Beyond the physical, it means less emotional interaction. There is less concern for the other spouse and a lack of support. Other times all these things seem present, but it’s really just going through the motions.
Withdrawal is a marriage emergency. Left untreated, it will end your marriage even if it doesn’t lead to a divorce. The problem is the one who has withdrawn no longer cares and is not particularly interested in getting help. If you see withdrawal developing, act quickly. If it’s already set in, get help; you’re going to need it.
Contempt can come out as mockery or sarcasm. It can be cruel humour, name-calling, or ugly accusations. Or it could be as simple as rolling the eyes or making grunts of disgust. Contempt is a poison. Marriage expert John Gottman says it is the single greatest predictor of divorce. This makes contempt an even greater emergency than withdrawal.
If you realise you are guilty of contempt, deal with it, and be brutal about doing so. If you know what you used to justify contempt, deal with that. Be on the lookout for contempt, and shut it down at the first hint. Beyond that, apologise. Don’t explain or tell your spouse why; just say you were wrong. Tell them they don’t deserve to be treated that way, and you’re deeply sorry.
If you’re the recipient of contempt, I’d suggest you get help. You might try calmly saying, “I feel contempt in how you’re speaking to me. What’s going on?” It’s unlikely to make a difference in the moment, but if you don’t get angry, your spouse might think about it later and realise they were out of line.
Nothing your spouse does justifies these marriage-killing actions. Are you guilty of either?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well means treating your spouse well.
Fresh raspberry smoothies!
In the background are turkey eggs.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 28, 2026 | Me vs You
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4yQHsXN
Another quote from Jay Stringer:
I’ve become increasingly convinced that many marital conflicts are sustained less by incompatibility than by a loss of integrity.
This ties into part of yesterday’s quote about spouses engaging in withdrawal, contempt, emotional reactivity, or control because they are not receiving the response they most desire.
I’ve talked about this as what we think we deserve. When our spouse fails to give us what we think we deserve, we get upset. Then we feel justified in treating our spouse in ways we know, deep down, are wrong. It’s as if entitlement gives us permission to lower our standards. As Jay says, this is a loss of integrity.
Integrity is vital in a marriage. If your spouse doesn’t show integrity, you can’t trust them. And when you can’t trust your spouse, your marriage is in big trouble. What’s more, lowering integrity is a vicious spiral. One of you lowers integrity as a reaction to something, and that causes the other spouse to do the same thing.
True integrity has nothing to do with what others around you are doing. You don’t excuse something you do in business as “industry standard”. Likewise, you don’t excuse treating your spouse poorly as justified by their actions.
A man or woman of integrity does what is right simply because it is right. They do what is right when no one else is watching and when those watching think their actions don’t make sense.
So I ask you, how would God have you treat your spouse? And how well are you doing at treating them that way?
BTW, when asked what attracted me to my wife, I have always said her integrity. I knew that she would do what she said. I knew she would do what was right. And I knew she would fight to do those things even when it was difficult. She has been that woman for 41.6 years, and it’s a big part of why we have such a great marriage.
~ This is Paul, and you can’t Do Marriage Well without integrity.
This is why we don’t stick our face in yellow jacket nests!
She was fine by bedtime.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 27, 2026 | Me vs You
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wVIe3G
Most couples believe their partner is the primary obstacle to peace or flourishing. Far fewer confront the ways they justify withdrawal, contempt, emotional reactivity, or control because they are not receiving the response they most desire. ~ Jay Stringer
I was considering what to write about this week when my wonderful wife shared this quote with me. I have felt that with both couples we work with, and in my own marriage. So let’s go with that this week.
I’m sure we’ve all seen our spouse as an obstacle on occasion. And sometimes that is valid. Sharing life with my wife means I can’t, or at least should not, do whatever I want whenever I want without any regard for her. So she is an obstacle to me living the way I did when I was single. But I knew that was the deal when I married her, and I fully signed on for it.
Beyond that, her health, mental or physical, or her limitations, can get in the way of me doing certain things. Of course I care for her and offer her love and grace, but I’m still being blocked.
What Jay specified was being an obstacle to our peace or flourishing. These are things we all value highly, and we get frustrated when we feel blocked. The other thing Jay specified was seeing our spouse as the PRIMARY obstacle to us having those things.
We are quick to focus on any little slight by our spouse, and we tend to magnify such things beyond what they are. We are also very good at denying or minimising the things we have done to our spouse.
Doing these things is hardwired into us. We don’t want to be wrong, and we will gladly throw others under the bus to convince ourselves we’re not wrong, or at least not the biggest part of the problem. Even if we’re not the biggest part of the problem, the only part we can change is what we do and don’t do. That is where our power to change things lies.
Jay says that in his experience working with couples, ‘marriages often begin to change when each partner becomes more interested in confronting themselves than correcting one another.’ Lori and I see the same thing.
I dare you to focus less on what your spouse does and more on what you do. It’s a difficult thing to do, but it’s also a powerful way to improve your life and your marriage.
~ This is Paul, and looking at yourself is Doing Marriage Well.
A Note: I’ve started doing a weekly digest podcast. Get the entire week in a single 12 to 15-minute file. If you don’t find Doing Marriage Well, wherever you listen, let me know. Or click here for last week’s.
Friends, not food.
Next we work on the chickens.
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