by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 14, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/49RLsNq
What motivates you to have sex?
Are you sure?
We all have an internal list of acceptable reasons to desire sex. Some reasons to have sex might not be on that list because we find them selfish or ungodly. A guy might leave something off the list because it feels like an unmanly reason to desire sex. Women may be concerned certain reasons are not lady like.
If you want sex for a reason you find wrong, then you either don’t seek sex, or you convince yourself you want it for another reason. A man might convince himself he needs release because that’s easier for him to deal with than feeling a desire to be close and intimate. A woman might do the opposite, telling herself she is desiring intimacy, when in fact she’s just horny to be with her man.
It’s very possible to feel an “acceptable” and an “unacceptable” desire for sex at the same time. It’s then easy to focus on the one and deny the other.
I’ve spent a couple of weeks telling you that why we do things matters, and that understanding our motivation is an important part of being emotionally healthy. And that is just a true for sex as for other things. But perhaps more difficult to contemplate.
Start by being honest with yourself. Question why you want sex. Assume there are usually multiple reasons, and dig to find all of them. If you can’t do this when desire strikes, think about it later. One way to uncover your motivation is to think about how you would ideally want sex to go on that occasion. Be okay with finding a reason that makes you uncomfortable.
If you find reasons for seeking sex that concern you, then ask yourself if those reasons are really bad. Are you a victim of wrong standards? Is your reason selfish or ungodly? Or does it simply violate a non-biblical idea about masculinity, femininity, or propriety?
It’s not unmanly for a guy to sometimes what sex primarily or exclusively for emotional closeness. It’s also not wrong to want it because you’re so horny you’re losing your mind. Both of these are things God put in you, so it’s good to both feel and desire them.
As for women, “I just want to be close” is a great reason to want sex. But so is “I need you sexually, right now!” And “It will help me sleep” or “It will relieve my cramps” are also good reasons to seek sex. God created sex to provide all of this and more.
And yes, there are reasons for seeking sex that are not healthy. Things such as trying to avoid a difficult conversation, or to soften your spouse up for something difficult you have to confess or ask.
If you can be honest with each other about your motivations for sex on each occasion, that would be a very good thing. Why you want sex affects how you want sex. Communicating your motivation helps your spouse make sex what you desire. If you haven’t been doing that, you might want to discuss it before doing it.
When your motives don’t line up, there will need to be some give and take. But if you know that going in, you can handle it far better.
~ This is Paul, and open communication makes it easier to Do Sex Well.
Tilly checking out our unfinished loft.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 13, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/43oGfc0
Another internal motivation is the desire to master something. It might be wanting to play an instrument well. It could be desiring to learn as much as you can about some subject. It could be about a new personal best in sports, or exercise. Or it could be trying to become very skilled at a particular game. What you desire to master can be related to your job, but it might also be a hobby or pastime.
One form of mastery is seeking personal growth; trying achieving your full potential. I talk about this one all the time. And I usually present it as becoming the person God called us to be.
The desire to master something is a strong motivator. It keeps us working when we’re tired. It keeps us going when we fail. It can keep us up at night as we consider how to improve. Without self-control, it can become an obsession, or an escape from life’s difficulties. If you’re spending 20 hours weekly on a hobby while your marriage suffers, you’re not pursuing excellence—you’re avoiding intimacy. Healthy mastery enhances life, rather than replacing it.
May I suggest an area that could benefit from this motivation is your marriage?
Because marriage is a team sport, you may feel you can’t do this unless your spouse signs on. The truth is, one person doing this will bring about change. Devoting yourself to becoming a great husband or wife will change you. And anything that changes you impacts your spouse.
What would being a great spouse look like? There are some common basics things such as, respect, kindness, trust, and commitment. But some of it will be based on who your spouse is and what matters to them. So there will be trial and error. Becoming a student of your spouse will help a good deal. It’s a lifelong task, but the benefits are awesome!
~ This is Paul, and I think trying to Do Marriage Very Well is a lofty, godly goal.
Comes the night…
At 4:30 pm!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 12, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4oAZfwk
Today’s internal motivator is purpose, the desire to contribute to something larger than yourself.
I see this at play in people all the time. There are some groups that commonly struggle with not having purpose:
- Retired folks: After decades of working nearly half your waking hours, what do you do when that’s gone?
- Mothers whose children have all entered school. The kids still need her, but not as much. All those school time hours can feel empty.
- Those who become disabled or chronically ill. When you can’t do what you did before, how do you contribute?
Purpose is why we get up in the morning. It makes us part of something beyond and bigger than ourselves. Without purpose, life can feel empty or not worth the effort. Depression, irritability, and withdrawal from loved ones are common ways a lack of purpose plays out. Or it can lead to things such as substance abuse, affairs, or reckless behaviour.
I find this motivation to be right and biblical. God intended us to be involved, a part of things. Even before the fall, Adam and Eve were caretakers. They had a job, a reason, a purpose. This desire is part of how God made us, and when it’s not being met, it makes us feel useless. And that’s bad for us and for our marriage.
There are plenty of opportunities if you’re willing to volunteer. I’m on the board of directors for a local food bank. A friend of mine drives the truck making food pickups. There are plenty of needs at our church. If you don’t live in the boonies as Lori and I do, there are things you could do for your neighbours.
A word to the guys: most women have changing stages of life which result in a longstanding purpose becoming smaller or ending. Ignore or downplay this to your own detriment. Support her finding a new purpose, and be ready to make changes to allow her to follow that purpose. And wives, the same happens to men when they retire from work.
One warning on the other side. What gives us purpose makes us feel good. If we have difficult areas in our life, it can be tempting to ignore those areas and put more time and energy into what gives us purpose. If your marriage is difficult, throwing yourself into your job will make you feel better. But it will make your marriage worse.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Bringing home the bacon!
A friend raised a pig for us for the cost of feed. We picked it up from the butcher today. We are at about $4 a pound (1.8 kg), including 12 pounds (5.4 kg) of bacon.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 11, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3LCDoWM
The next few days, I want to discuss internal drives that can be a major part of what motivates us. As these motivators are intrinsic parts of being human, we’re not always aware of them, or how they’re influencing our actions.
None of these drives is inherently bad. They’re a part of who we are, and when they are routinely denied, that hurts us. On the other hand, these things can push us in unhealthy ways. Understanding what motivates us can help us stay sane and balanced, which is good for us is in general, as well as for our marriage.
Today, autonomy or self-determination: The need to have control over your life.
Humans have a deep desire to be in control of their lives. We want to make our own choices. We want to be able to say yes and no. If you have children, you saw this in them even before they could speak. It was likely an ongoing source of struggle, escalating greatly during the teen years.
The obvious marriage problem with autonomy is that marriage is a two-person thing. Marriage is two people who want to control their own lives and futures trying to live life together.
If one spouse is strongly driven, the other may defer to them a great deal. This can seem to work for a time, but it’s a ticking time bomb that risks blowing up the marriage. Individuals who are routinely denied self-determination will eventually withdraw as they become depressed, angry, or despondent.
If you’re driven and usually get your way (raising my hand) then you need to work to hear and give proper consideration to what your spouse wants. If you have tended to go along, you need to work to express your desires. Neither considering nor expressing mean that is what will happen. But without this, you can’t have a real discussion about what to do, and one spouse is not experiencing the self-determination they need to be emotionally healthy.
Is this issue a hidden bomb in your marriage? Do you need to do more to accommodate each other? Do you need to learn how to compromise?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Our daughter-in-law has really wanted a white cat with blue eyes. So Lori has been keeping an eye out.
She found this little guy for a small rehoming fee. I love how my wife cares about people!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 31, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3X2jZRx
What motivates you sexually?
It’s not as simple as what motivates you to have sex. There are also things that motivate us to not have sex. It has been described as a car with both a gas pedal and a brake pedal. When something presses the gas, you want sex. When something presses the brake, you don’t want sex.
Today I want to address the more important pedal: the brake. Next week, I’ll talk about the gas.
You may think I’m wrong in saying the brake is the more important pedal. But if the brake is down hard, pushing the accelerator to the floor won’t get you moving. Do that long enough, and you will damage the transmission or overheat the engine. Without the brake on, even a bit of gas will get you rolling.
The brake can affect desire, willingness, arousal, and/or orgasm. Often one or more of those works, while one or more of the others is stuck. This leads to various outcomes, but all are frustrating and place limits on a couple’s sex life
Occasionally there are physical problems that act as a brake to our sex life. But the majority of brake issues are mental.
- Purity culture is a massive brake. It’s intended to keep your sex life in park until you marry, but all too often is keeps limiting sex well after the wedding. This is more common and more extreme for women, but I’ve worked with several men who were struggling because of the purity message they got as a teen.
- Guilt is another brake. This can be guilt about someone you had sex with before you met your spouse. Or it might be sex you had with your spouse before you were married. Others have guilt from porn use.
- Fear is another one. Past abuse can bring on fear that cripples a couple’s sex life. Both men and women can bring this into the marriage bed. Women may be afraid of being used, or of “enjoying sex too much”. Men may be afraid they are expecting too much of their wife sexually. Fear of pregnancy can also be an issue. And, if a couple doesn’t have good privacy, fear of being walk in on or being heard can lock up the wheels of sex.
- Body image and shame are another brake. This can be about one’s body in general, or specifically about sexual body parts. Sometimes it’s shame about just having sexual body parts. We worked with a fellow who had not seen his wife’s breasts in many years, as her shame about them meant she lived in a sports bra.
- Then there’s confusion. This can be from a lack of sex education, or from getting bad information or wrong ideas about sex. Porn is a big one here, as more and more folks go into marriage having consumed a lot of porn that is not at all like real sex.
If your sex life is stuck, the issue is probably the brake. Sex brakes CAN be released. Identify the issue and try to release it. If you can’t do that alone, get help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well may take work.
Play hard, sleep hard. Repeat.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 30, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47miJ0g
The Bible warns us about the fear of men. This fear results in us being enslaved to the opinions of others. We are warned about this fear in Proverbs:
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. ~ Proverbs 29:25 ESV
Worrying too much about the opinions of others is very much a trap. It pulls us away from doing what God has called us to do. What’s more, it can be exhausting trying to satisfy others. And, if some of those you care about have different expectations from others you care about, what then? You can’t make everyone happy!
The whole “Keeping up with the Jones” thing is about fearing the opinions of others. We buy a new car we can’t afford when our current car is fine because we want to keep up appearances. Or we buy a house we can’t afford for the same reason. And the result is more fear, as we worry about making the payments.
Fear of others’ opinions gets us into all kinds of trouble if we choose to go along with the crowd. We join the guys for drinks after work, rather than going home to a wife desperate for time with us. Or a woman lets her girlfriends take her somewhere morally questionable so she won’t be seen as uptight. We do the same with entertainment, feeling we need to watch the same movies or read the same books as our friends or co-workers. Remember Fifty Shades?
Fear may cause us to not speak up when we hear something we know is wrong. Such as a group of women badmouthing their husbands. Or we might even join in when “the guys” make crass sexual comments about women.
The fear of man can show up at church too. It can be difficult when a wrong teaching or twisted understanding of scripture is advocated by a group we’re part of. Standing against the crowd is difficult if you fear how the crowd will react.
Ultimately the issue is this: Do we stand with the truth of God even if it puts us at odds with people? Will we follow God even if it costs us friends? Do we put our spouse ahead of our friends and what others think?
~ This is Paul, and following the group may not be Doing Marriage Well.
Due to cold and rain, Tilly is spending a lot of time inside, and is getting bored.
A bored Tilly is never a good thing!
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