by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 25, 2026 | Needs
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3QLEemF
A question was asked about people who don’t feel safe asking for what they need.
Not feeling safe does not mean someone is in an abusive relationship. It could be knowing you will have to defend what you say. You may know your needs will be dismissed as silly, unimportant, or selfish. Maybe you will get what you ask for, with passive-aggressive anger, frustration, or a lot of sighing. Perhaps you know from past experience that you will get what you ask for once, and asking over and over gets old.
What all of these have in common is signalling that your needs are unimportant, and I don’t love you enough to care. If you are the one doing this, realise that is the message sent regardless of what you mean.
The solution, if you’re the one not getting your needs met, is difficult. Your spouse may be denying you what you want because they’re too busy, stressed out, or selfish. Or it could be they are clueless or lacking in empathy. Regardless, you are up against a strong wall. But walls can be dismantled, one brick at a time, with patience and the right tools. It could also be your spouse is doing what they learned growing up, and it is just habit. Still not an easy thing to overcome.
Some folks just stopped asking, because why set yourself up for rejection? If it’s been years since you tried, make an effort now. Try saying something like “I need [action] to feel [emotion].” Be clear about the need, and follow up if they look confused.
If the problem is ongoing and you want to tackle the issue, getting third-party help is your best bet. If you want to take a run at it yourself, explain you feel your needs are not being taken seriously, and it hurts you. Explain that beyond the unmet needs, you feel unloved. Try to avoid being accusatory; just give the facts.
If you get a positive response, be quick to thank your spouse. Even if it’s not as much as you need, give them credit for making an attempt. Small changes are change, and appreciating them can lead to greater change.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Spring is here!
The wire is to keep a dog, who will go unnamed, from digging up and eating the bulbs.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 24, 2026 | Needs
Podcast: https://bit.ly/496BTsJ
To get it out of the way, I think sex is a need. A marriage needs sex to be healthy and to be what God intended. Most men and many women need sex to feel loved by their spouse. And sexual frustration can cause problems well beyond the marriage.
But sometimes when we think we need sex, it’s something else.
I talked earlier this week about trying to fill a need with something other than what we need. There’s a lot of this happening with sex. You need love; you seek sex. You need intimacy; you seek sex. You need touch, and you try to have sex to get it. You’re worried, stressed, or bored, and you try to solve it with sex.
When we try to fill other needs with sex, we create a desire for sex our spouse can’t meet. Even if they did, we would still feel empty. And our spouse may feel resentment about being used. Beyond that, trying to fill non-sexual things with sex messes up sex. We can’t fully enjoy and be satisfied with sex when we are trying to use it to deal with something else.
It can be difficult for some to see they are doing this because they are not having as much sex as they legitimately need. So they are correct that they say they “need more”, and that hides the fact they are trying to get some non-sexual needs met.
If you think you NEED sex more than four or five times a week, it’s very likely you are trying to meet non-sexual needs with sex. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with having sex more often than that, if you both want that. Neither am I suggesting there is anything wrong with you both being satisfied with sex twice a week. I’m simply trying to give a guide for valid sexual needs.
If you are trying to meet non-sexual needs in bed, it’s hurting your marriage and your sex life.
~ This is Paul, and making sex about sex is Doing Sex Well.
Whisky and Widget doing the evening perimeter patrol.
Whisky is very serious about this; Widge is just along for the LOLs.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 23, 2026 | Needs, ThePast
Podcast: https://bit.ly/48cxHre
Yesterday I mentioned trying to fill a need with something other than what we need. The example I showed in the image was of a man standing next to a barrel labelled ‘love’. The barrel was overflowing as his wife added more to it from a bucket labelled “respect”. The man was complaining he needed more respect.
Love and respect are not the same thing, and while we need both, neither will satisfy the other need. Men have been told they need respect. This is true, but they also need love. If a man feels needing love is weak, he may try to fill his love tank with respect. That will never work, but it can make a mess of his marriage.
Wives do this too. Women are generally more risk-averse than men, and they long for safety and security. But some women have been told seeking this from their husband shows weakness or unhealthy dependence. So she may try to fill that need with something else. Even if her husband gives her what she asks for in great quantities, she will still feel the need for safety and security. She may get frustrated with her husband for not giving her what she needs. But if he’s giving her what she asks for, and she doesn’t ask for what she needs, the fault is not his.
Another way needs go wrong is using our spouse to medicate places that hurt. This is no different than using alcohol, food, or shopping to make ourselves feel better about a part of us that is empty or hurting. Extra words of affirmation or gifts may numb your pain for a while, but it won’t fix a pain that has nothing to do with those things.
Then there’s trying to fix something you lacked in the past by getting a great deal of it now. If your parents didn’t give you the love they should have, you’re hungry for love for a valid reason. But your spouse can’t fill an emptiness that you brought into your marriage. Even worse, you may not be able to feel the love from your spouse because of that emptiness. You are like a black hole, sucking up everything they offer and still feeling empty. You need to address your parents’ failure and heal over that. Then you will be able to feel the love your spouse gives, and your need will be something they can fill.
While the issue often lies within our own self-awareness, it could be your spouse. They may be giving you what they think you need, rather than what you have said you needed. Or they may have misunderstood what you asked for.
If you feel your spouse is not meeting your needs, spend some time praying. What do you really need? Have you clearly asked for that? If you’re getting what you asked for and still feel empty, your need may be different. If your spouse is not giving you what you need, figure out how to clarify your need. If you’ve been clear, and they’re not meeting what you see as valid needs, it’s time for third-party help.
~ This is Paul, and needs look different for every couple.
Tilly watches the world go by from her place of safety.
My parents had the sign made shortly after they got married, 67 years ago!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 22, 2026 | Needs, ThePast
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3QRWcns
I suggested yesterday that not being honest with ourselves about what we need is a common problem. On the surface it seems like a silly claim. How could we not know what we want? There is actually a lot of evidence supporting my claim.
Those who help people looking for romantic relationships say it’s common for people to claim they want certain things in a partner, but then repeatedly go after someone very different. Those who deal with married couples see people claim to want something, then sabotage getting it. Or do things which invite the opposite of what they say they want.
Part of this is social expectations. We say we need what we think we’re supposed to need. And we tell ourselves we don’t need things we do need because we’ve been told we shouldn’t need that thing. We fear needing something makes us look weak or shows we have problems. So we seek what won’t fill our needs and remain silent about what would fill us. This can lead to trying to get more and more of what’s not working, thinking that will take care of it.
We may deny what we need because we think it’s not appropriate because of our gender. Men who feel they shouldn’t need comfort, or women who feel they shouldn’t need sexual intimacy. We may fear it shows wrong desires. Or perhaps it just exposed us in a way we don’t want to be exposed.
Having been denied what we needed in the past is a common issue. If we don’t ask for what we need, then we can’t be denied. Perhaps your spouse withheld things you asked for in the past, but most of the time when this happens, it goes back to being denied by our caregivers when we were young. Maybe we were belittled, or even punished for asking for what we needed, and we want to avoid that happening again. Recognising these old patterns is the first step toward breaking them.
What do you need from your spouse to feel loved? If you don’t get that, you won’t feel loved. If you don’t ask for it, you probably won’t get it. And if you don’t admit to yourself you need it, you won’t ask for it.
But what if what you need is wrong? Or too much? Then you need to have a hard discussion with your spouse. Is what you want really wrong or too much? If so, what healthy thing would fill that need?
~ This is Paul, and you can’t Do Marriage Well when you feel empty.
We have 13 turkey eggs in the incubator.
We are now letting eggs sit in the nest to see if Chianna will hatch out a brood.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 21, 2026 | Needs
Podcast: https://bit.ly/41LcP6M
How are you about asking for what you need from your spouse? I find a lot of folks are very bad at this. Especially when what they need is emotional.
The picture with this post is Widget asking for attention. Tilly asks for attention by putting her paw on us. Whisky comes up and pushes her head under my hand to ask for pets. They know what they want, and they have no problem asking for it. I wish we were all that straightforward!
Recently Lori told me, “I will need extra hugs today.” It was an amazing thing to hear her say that. I felt trusted. I know being able to do that is from recent healing, and it’s still a bit raw. I was all about giving her hugs when I thought about it, and stopping to do it when she asked. Her honesty about her need blessed both of us, and made our marriage better.
I suppose some will say we need to have limits, including knowing the time and place for expressing our needs. While there is truth in that, we often use it as an excuse for hiding needs we should express.
The Bible says, “You have not because you ask not.” I realise people aren’t as good as God about meeting valid needs, but what James said still applies. Lori and I tell husbands and wives that if they didn’t ask for whatever, they were not denied or refused that thing when they didn’t get it. We also tell folks that hinting is not asking. Neither is hedging or tacking on “If you don’t want to, it’s okay“. Asking means saying “I want ______”. Or even better, “I need _____.”
There are a number of reasons we don’t do this.
- We worry about being dependent on others. But God created us to be dependent on others. It’s a feature, not a bug!
- We don’t feel we deserve to receive what we need. I find this at odds with what the Bible says. We are commanded to love and care for each other, so clearly those needs are to be met. What’s more, the Apostle Paul frequently asked for prayer and support from those he wrote to.
- We worry that if others give us what we need, they will gain power over us. This can happen, and it means we need to be wise about who we ask to give to us.
- We think if we receive, we must then give. While it should not be quid pro quo, each of us should both receive and give. If you don’t ask of others because you’re unwilling to give, then you have a selfishness issue.
- We are not honest with ourselves about what we need.
That last one is the biggest roadblock for many. I will deal with it in depth tomorrow.
~ This is Paul, and expressing your needs is actually Doing Marriage Well.
The planting has begun.
Put in almost 300 onions on Saturday. Walla Walla sweet, yellow, and red.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 20, 2026 | concept, Needs
Podcast: https://bit.ly/41MLb9p
It’s been a while since we talked about needs.
Let’s start by defining that word. I’m not talking about what you need to be alive. That list is rather short, and none of us would be happy having only what is on the list. We all desire more than to just exist. We want to live!
If I want to drive to town, I need gas. I live thirty miles from town, so walking is not really an option. If I want to turn a tree into firewood, I need some tools. Just as physical tasks require specific tools, relationships have needs. If I want a good marriage, I must meet various needs, just as my wife must do for me.
Relationships have needs, and when those needs are not met, the relationship suffers. If enough needs are left unmet, the relationship ends.
Let’s also deal with the “All you need is Jesus” idea. It’s a catchy slogan, but the Bible says something different. When Adam was sinless and walked with God, we are told it was not good that he was alone. Adam needed a human partner. God made us social creatures. We have needs that can only be met by other people. And with the exception of a few people God made different, we feel a need for one special person to share our lives with.
Entering into marriage means promising to be that special person for your spouse. It means we work at doing that and sometimes sacrifice to do it. We look for our spouse’s legitimate needs, and we meet them.
Before we move on, ask yourself, “What do I need from my spouse that I am not getting, or not getting in the amount I need?” Also ask yourself where your spouse may feel that way.
~ This is Paul, and meeting your spouse’s needs is part of Doing Marriage Well.
Widget meeting Max, the new pup on the property.
So far she has only got him knee-deep in the pond, but she will keep working on that.
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