by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 12, 2026 | NoClosedDoor
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4sw16UC
Happy Lord’s Day!
One more place where a marriage needs open doors: our spiritual lives.
If you follow Jesus, your walk with the Lord should have a significant impact on how you live your life. It should also have a profound impact on your marriage. So letting your spouse into this part of yourself is important.
For some men, this one will be more difficult than anything else I’ve suggested. I’ve struggled with this myself. It’s the most personal part of me. I’ve often been too closed about it in general, and that extended to my wife and children.
Like the other rooms we’ve discussed the past week, our spiritual lives started to form before we were aware of it. This is obvious if you grew up in a religious home. But a lack of teaching about God also creates a spiritual reality.
Talk to your spouse about what you were or were not taught about God as a child. If you were taught something apart from Christianity, discuss that. Talk about when you accepted Jesus, and what brought that about. Did salvation make a big change in your life? Was there a period of backsliding? Did you have a point where it suddenly became far more important to you?
Also talk about your current spiritual walk. Is it stronger or weaker now than in the past? Are you on good terms with God, or do you have issues with Him? Do you feel you pray as you should, and as often as you should? What about Bible reading and study? Do you need to up your game? Are you living out your faith well in all areas of your life?
If you haven’t discussed theology much, that would be a good thing to do. Be careful and give grace! You’re not looking for a debate; you’re looking for a window into each other’s hearts.
And finally, how do you feel you are doing as a couple? Do you have a joint walk with the Lord? Would either of you like more prayer time together? What about shared Bible study or doing a devotional together?
If your spouse is not saved, you will have to make adjustments. The idea of sharing the Gospel at all times and using words when necessary is a good approach.
~ This is Paul, and putting God first is so Doing Marriage Well!
Alow me to introduce you to The Notorious P.I.G.s
Bacon, Pork Chop. and The Big Ham.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 10, 2026 | NoClosedDoor
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4vkxAnd
Are there parts of your sexual self you keep behind closed doors? Or locked doors? Or boarded-up doors? Sex is private and personal. What’s more, some of what you did, said, or thought in the past may be embarrassing. So closed doors are absolutely appropriate with everyone other than your spouse.
But what about with your spouse?
Many in the world say what, or who, I did before I met you is none of your business. Everything I’ve said this week about the rooms in your life applies to sex, including the need to know each other to become fully one. Knowing each other’s sexual pasts helps you understand triggers and broken places. It gives you empathy and makes it easier to accept workarounds. It can help you realise it’s not personal and not about you.
I suggest you share it all: That time you played doctor with another child. Self-discovery during long baths. The emotions and discoveries that came with puberty. How you were exposed to porn, and any struggle you had with it. Your first kiss, your first orgasm, and your first anything else. The goal isn’t to give every last detail. Rather, you are providing an honest overview of your sexuality. Focus on the impact of the stories, rather than a graphic inventory.
While some memories are light, others carry the weight of trauma. Talk about your fears, confusion, and embarrassment. If one or both of you were molested, talk about that. My encouragement to be safe applies here. Don’t push your spouse, especially about harmful events. Give them a safe place, an empathetic ear, and the time and space they need.
Be aware that talking about sexual abuse can make sex difficult or scary here and now. This should be a temporary challenge, and long-term you should experience greater freedom and enjoyment of sex. But be ready for a speed bump. If your spouse is the one with the abuse in their past, be quick to offer support and grace, and be prepared for a temporary interruption in your sex life.
Extending no closed doors to your sexuality may be a real stretch. Do think and pray about it before you start. The reward for allowing that access is a better sex life, and a better marriage.
~ This is Paul, and open doors make it easier to Do Sex Well.
My birthday cake.
Chocolate cake, with orange marmalade filling.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 9, 2026 | NoClosedDoor
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4ssahp0
Today’s No-Closed-Doors challenge is to open up your deep emotional places.
I realise what I’ve already discussed this week has a lot of emotion attached to it. But today I want to get more raw. Aside from your past and any wounds, how emotionally vulnerable can you be with your spouse?
To reiterate what I said the first day, safety is a valid issue here. If your spouse can’t be trusted with your naked emotions, you must protect yourself. If you’re not sure they can be trusted, go slow.
That said, some folks armour up not because of their spouse, but because of their own fear or past injury.
When you choose not to close any emotional doors, you don’t hide your feelings. What’s more, you make an effort to share your feelings, even when it’s difficult.
Handling emotions takes care. It’s fair to say emotions are never wrong, but that doesn’t mean what emotions drive is correct. Emotions are indicators of our heart condition, even when they aren’t based on objective truth. Feeling jealous is a valid emotion. Getting angry at your spouse for no reason apart from your feeling is unacceptable. Getting defensive or hurt because your spouse admits to jealousy is also unacceptable. If you have done nothing to justify jealousy, then it’s a reflection of their internal struggle, rather than your actions.
You can accept your spouse’s emotions without taking responsibility for them. You can express compassion for painful emotions without feeling guilty. You may be able to help lessen the emotion, not because it is your responsibility, but because you love your spouse.
Imagine being able to share or hear your spouse express feelings like jealousy without ending up in a fight. Imagine how healing it would be to discuss the issue calmly. Imagine reassuring your spouse without anger or defensiveness, and then praying together that they will get over it and that you won’t inadvertently do anything to make it worse. Imagine dealing with the whole thing as an “us” thing with mutual grace and understanding.
Yes, opening all the doors to your emotions can be terrifying. But if you and your spouse can both do it, and handle it well, the result is extraordinary. Fear and shame melt away, and you feel heard and loved in ways you never thought possible.
If this sounds like something you might like to do, have a long talk, or several talks, about it before you start.
~ This is Paul, and emotional nudity is Doing Marriage Well.
A turkey egg, next to a chicken’s first egg.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 8, 2026 | NoClosedDoor
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Qpeaxq
Yesterday we talked about opening the doors of your past to your spouse. Today we move on to the present.
Our brains are amazing things that never stop. We consider what we see and hear. We ruminate about what is going on in our lives, and in the world around us. We have fears, hopes, goals, and dreams. Some of these are fleeting thoughts, while others are pondered over and over.
Most of us don’t share all of these things. Some feel personal. Some seem frivolous. And some just don’t feel like it matters to anyone. I’m not suggesting you download every thought that passes between your ears. However, it’s likely that your spouse and your marriage would benefit from you sharing more of yourself.
If you’re wondering where to start, here are a few ‘rooms’ currently under construction in your mind that you could share:
- Your dreams. The ones that seem possible and the ones that don’t. The big and the small. Near future, and very long term.
- The dreams you have abandoned.
- Your fears. Both the rational ones and the ones you know are not.
- Your frustrations with various people in your life. Include, lovingly, any significant frustration with your spouse.
- Your thoughts on God, and how they have changed or matured recently.
- How you feel about current events, including politics. (Tread lightly!)
If you have children at home, much of the above may include them. That’s fine, but go beyond them; you are more than a parent.
A practical way to do this is to do a 10-Minute Mental Update each day. Of course when one of you needs more than five minutes, go for it.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is easier when you know who your spouse is.
Widget is not allowed in the bedroom unless we are there.
Tilly is allowed in, and teases Widge about it.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 7, 2026 | NoClosedDoor
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4ciIj9g
A good first step towards a No-Closed-Doors Marriage is to grant access to the rooms that hold your past. Odds are much of what you have not shared is painful or embarrassing. But some couples just don’t share much of their past, painful or otherwise.
Some say, “My past is none of my spouse’s business.” That is often an attempt to keep hidden things they don’t want to share. But some folks think “the past belongs in the past” and don’t share for that reason.
But God says we are to become one, and we can’t do that if we keep things hidden.
As I have said many times, who we are today has been significantly shaped by our past. Seeing your past helps your spouse understand you. It should give them grace for some of your struggles. It might even moderate how they treat you as they understand how they may be triggering you.
Start with happy and fun stuff. Open up your childhood, revealing more and more as it feels safe. When you discuss things you’ve never talked about, it may be difficult. Tears or not knowing how to share are normal and just fine. You may uncover anger you didn’t know was there or fear you had buried. Such things are part of why doing this work is good for you. Painful, but good.
As you open these doors, you’ll inevitably encounter the people who shaped what is in those rooms. Try to be fair and honest about the people in your past. Heroes are always imperfect, and villains usually have some redeeming qualities and reasons for grace. Remember, telling the truth about what a parent said or did is not disrespectful.
You may see things long locked away differently now than when you were younger. Some of the change is due to the passage of time. Additionally, you understand life better now than you did in the past, especially when you were young. Explore changes in perception; it may bring revelation or healing. It might also open up negative feelings you will need to deal with. All of this can lead to personal healing and growth.
Opening your past to your spouse is good for them, but also for you. And it makes your marriage stronger.
Looking for a practical way to start? Have a “History Date Night” where you each share three “happy rooms” and one “not so good room” from your childhood.
~ This is Paul, and sharing your past makes your future brighter.
Cute Idea!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 6, 2026 | NoClosedDoor
Podcast: https://bit.ly/41Qe1Wi
This week’s topic is having a “No-Closed-Doors Marriage”. If you and your spouse both get on board with this idea, some powerful things will happen. But this is not for the faint of heart. And it’s a bad idea for a marriage currently struggling or if there is any abuse.
When you got married, you were a mansion full of rooms – hundreds of rooms. Your spouse had already been in some of those rooms and was invited into more of them after you married. But unless you were unusually emotionally healthy and very self-aware, many doors were locked, and some were hidden.
Our feelings are personal, and we rightly protect them. Giving someone free access to some rooms means they can hurt you deeply. The same is true for our hopes and dreams, as well as some of our thoughts and beliefs.
Most of us have rooms that have never been seen by another person. If you got deeply hurt, you may have locked that room. If it was really bad, you may have walled up a whole section of rooms, never to be seen again.
As I said, there is good reason to protect some of these rooms. Even with our spouse, it takes time to know it’s safe, and to feel okay about letting them into a room that contains painful memories, personal feelings, or private thoughts. But the light of day is what brings healing.
It takes time to move to a no-locked-doors marriage. It will take years or even decades. But the closer you get to that goal, the better your marriage will be. And not just your marriage; your life in general will be better.
If this idea appeals to you more than it scares you, have a talk about it with your spouse. Are both of you prepared to unlock doors that have remained closed for years or decades?
If you decide to go for it, please start with a lot of grace. Talk about the fact it will take time. Discuss that much of your resistance will not be about your spouse. See steady progress as a good thing, and celebrate growth.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is easier with fewer locked doors.
Unrelated Resource: If you are in a blended family, I recommend the Family Life Blended & Blessed livestream event happening April 18. It’s completely free.
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