by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 1, 2025 | Not That
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4l7Jdro
Speaking of working on the wrong problem, this is very common when folks say their sex life is not working.
Because of our background, Lori and I get most of the couples who go to Aldrich Ministries looking for help with sex. And we find most of those folks have big issues that have nothing to do with sex. Those other issues are hurting their sex life, but the issues are not sexual, and working on sex won’t fix them.
Of course, part of this is about addressing the pain point. The husband or wife who is having a fraction of the sex they want feels that as sexual frustration. And the spouse who is tired of being badgered for sex all the time feels the frustration of that. If that pain is what gets an individual, or even better a couple, to seek help, that’s a good thing.
The majority of women, and no small number of men, need a good emotional relationship to want and enjoy regular sex. If a couple does not communicate, fights a lot, or their spouse doesn’t show love or appreciation, that limits how much sex many can stomach.
Jealousy, valid or not, is also a sex life killer. And this can include the use of porn or erotica. Selfishness can destroy a couple’s sex life. This shows up as refusing sex, or not caring about the needs or pleasure of the other. But selfishness usually shows up in other places too. It’s a marriage issue, not a sex problem.
Past sexual injuries are about sex, but not about the couple. These are often better addressed first with the injured spouse, and then, as needed, with both of them. When the issues are actually about sex, solutions are often fairly easy, if both spouses are on board.
If you think you have sexual problems, odds are you have non-sexual issues that are limiting or harming your sex life. When that is the case, sex coaching won’t fix your sex life or the underling issues.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well requires Doing Marriage Well.
Closest picture I’ve ever managed of deer – especially with two young fawns!
Two seconds after I took this, they were running away!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 31, 2025 | Not That
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4f98Vu4
Another reason we fail to go after the real marriage problem is that we can’t face the truth. We “work on” other issues because we are unwilling to acknowledge the real issue.
Some marriage issues are scary. Admitting our spouse doesn’t care about us as they should is devastating. It’s easier to pretend they just don’t know how to show their love. But learning about love languages won’t change anything if your spouse has no desire to show you love. Pretending you need better communication skills when you have not had sex in 18 months is another example.
The corollary of this is not being willing to admit your part in the big issue. It’s not all you, but some of it is, and you don’t want to work on that. Maybe you like your part and won’t change it. So you work on other things where you’re willing to admit and work on your part. But that won’t fix the big issue.
Sometimes both spouses are unwilling to face their part of the big issue. So they have an unspoken agreement to play at fixing things by dealing with secondary issues.
When fear keeps us from dealing with the real issue or issues, we can’t heal our marriage.
~ This is Paul, and facing reality makes Doing Marriage Well possible.
We had a pair of eagles flying around a good part of the morning.
They eyed the rabbits and chickens, but the crisscrossed strings over the yards kept them away.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 30, 2025 | Not That
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4mbyqNC
Today, a couple of more reasons you may not know what problem you need to deal with to make your marriage better.
I mentioned expectations created by culture yesterday. A subset of that, which can be very difficult, is what our parents taught us about how husbands and wives are supposed to be. Of course, most of that teaching was not intentional; you picked it up by watching how they treated each other. And those lessons predate what you remember, which makes it difficult to see it clearly.
One variation of this is deciding you won’t do any of the things your parents did because they had a poor marriage. But that risks throwing the baby out with the bath water.
Another issue is how your past makes you look at things. If you were horribly betrayed in a past relationship, or have been betrayed by a number of people over the years, you may suspect your spouse when there is no reason to do so. If you think the problem is they are not trustworthy when they are, working on that issue will never make you feel safe. Instead, you need to work on your inability to trust. In this case, the problem is not a marriage issue, it’s a personal problem.
There are a number of ways folks misjudge their spouse because of their past. The misjudged spouse has little chance of changing their partner’s mind. It usually takes a third party to give that clarity. A mutual friend, an older couple, or a coach can help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires seeing your spouse correctly.
The chicory is blooming. It seems to come out of nowhere every year the end of July.
The roots can be roasted and used as a coffee substitute.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 29, 2025 | Not That
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fcIYKm
So why would someone upset about a problem in their marriage focus on a different problem, real or imagined, that has nothing to do with what bothers them?
One reason is not knowing what is bothering you. Your marriage isn’t right, and you know that. But you can’t figure out what’s wrong. So you attack various things that might be wrong to try to find the issue. Or perhaps you attack unrelated, smaller issues because at least it means you’re doing something.
Unfortunately, blind shooting rarely scores a hit on the target. Moving from issue to issue can wear you down and frustrate your spouse.
Another reason you may not know what the problem is, is because you have bought into the story your culture tells you about marriage. If you think your spouse is supposed to be a certain way, and they are not, that will become a marriage issue. But if what you expect is not who God called your spouse to be, the problem is not your spouse. So while you think you know what’s wrong, you are missing the truth.
Cultural expectations about men, women, and marriage can make a mess of your life and your relationship with your spouse. This is true even if your spouse agrees with your wrong expectation.
If you can’t find the issue that is making you unhappy about your marriage, a bit of coaching might help. Or maybe buddy up with an older couple who seem to have worked it out.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Got the turkey yard done. Because they can fly, we had to cover the top.
They were far less afraid than chickens, and moments after we opened the door they were out pecking at weeds and chasing bugs.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 28, 2025 | Not That
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4m8Ztcw
If your car failed to start, would you jump out and check the pressure in the tires? Would you scrub the windshield clean of every last speck? Or maybe vacuum the interior?
Obviously, none of these is going to fix whatever is keeping the car from starting, and no sane person would think any of those things would help.
But some folks do this very thing in their marriage; working on things that have no chance of changing a situation they dislike.
If your car wasn’t starting, and you saw the tires were low, then you would have identified a real issue. If the windshield was so messy you would have a hard time seeing the road, that too is an issue that needs to be addressed. But fixing those things won’t get your car running.
If we are upset about a specific marriage problem, we need to work on that problem. We could spend a lot of time and energy working on something that can’t change what is really bothering us. We feel we’re doing something. We might get upset our spouse won’t join us in working on the issue. It may or may not be something that needs work, but if it can’t fix what is really upsetting us, it’s a waste of time. And if you get upset at your spouse for not dealing with something that can’t fix what is bothering you, that’s unfair and probably confusing.
~ This is Paul, warning you that Doing Marriage Well takes clarity.
Silver lining?
We get gold!
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