by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 16, 2026 | NotBest
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4szV3PU
The posts this week have been rather hard. Sometimes what it takes to heal and grow is difficult. It requires taking an honest look at ourselves and seeing where we’re falling short. We do that so we know where we need to change. When you find things that are a mess, don’t get stuck in shame or despair. Slow progress is progress, and setbacks show you have made progress.
There are times when I fall short, and I know I can do better. As much as I hate that, it means I have a way forward. But what if I have been doing the best I can? Even more difficult, what if we feel our spouse is falling short, and we think they are doing the best they can? That’s a very lonely, difficult place.
I’ve mentioned Lori and I had a lot of sexual problems early in our marriage. At first, I thought she was not doing the best she could. I may well have been wrong, but that was my perspective. Later, things were a bit better, but still not good. And I felt Lori was doing all she could to improve things. I understood what had happened to her and the problems it caused. I saw her efforts and how much it cost her. Honestly, that felt way worse than when I thought she could do better. If her best was not enough, then what?
On top of that, there was the guilt. Facing her past was hurting her a great deal. Was it fair for me to expect her to do that for me? She said she wanted to get healed for herself, and in my better moments I believed that. But all too often despair took over, and I felt like a monster. I started thinking about what I would do when it became obvious to both of us that the situation could not be fixed.
I think during that time I was occasionally able to communicate to Lori that I did feel she was doing her best. And I tried to hide my fear and despondency.
Looking back, I wish I’d done more. I wish I had been honest with her about my feelings. It’s not like she didn’t know. I don’t mean dwelling on it, just not hiding or downplaying it. Did she ever assume I was even more despondent than I really was?
I also wish I had told her that no matter how it worked out, I loved her and was going to stick with her. I had made that decision internally, but I think I worried telling her that would lessen her sense of urgency.
I realise now that my sense of urgency was a problem, not a help. My urgency was about my fears. My needs were certainly a part of it, but it was far more than my sexual needs. Much of what I saw as my needs was based on my brokenness and need for validation. If I had seen that, and dealt with it, things would have been better for both of us.
I also wish I’d had someone to talk with back then. Not to give me advice on how to “fix” Lori. I needed to be able to share my feelings and fears. I needed to be told to work on my stuff, along with help seeing my stuff.
By the grace of God, we got through it. It was slow; years, not months. Lori’s healing progressed as she faced her past. I learned to deal with my own stuff instead of projecting it onto her. We both healed and grew. And step by step we got to a much better place.
But it was brutal for both of us. What needed to happen, in each of us, could not have been done quickly or easily. But it could have been less difficult and somewhat faster. Someone to help me deal with things would have been a very good thing. I suspect my shame over the situation kept me from even considering that.
I hope some of you will find something in this you can apply to your situation.
~ This is Paul, and healing is never a picnic.
This was how we were nine years ago.
That was a rough winter!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 15, 2026 | NotBest
Podcast: https://bit.ly/45bPi0N
Sometimes parents are doing their best, and it’s still not enough. So let’s talk about that.
We could have been injured by parents who legitimately were doing the best they could, given the circumstances. It’s tempting to think we should not have problems from that or should be able to just “get over it”. But it doesn’t work that way.
So let’s look at some examples:
If you were raised by a single mother or low-income parents, they may have had to work multiple jobs and many hours to make ends meet. They worked hard to provide you with food and shelter, and good for them. But you didn’t get as much time with them as you needed. While this was unavoidable, it can cause attachment issues, leading to avoidant or anxious attachment styles. Your parents did their best, but you could still be struggling with the effects of their always working.
Perhaps you had a parent who suffered from depression or a chronic illness. They managed to do what you minimally needed, and given their situation, they are to be praised for pushing themselves to do that much. But you needed more. You became self-sufficient too young, which can lead to hyperindependence. Hyperindependence causes people to rely solely on themselves. This can be a problem when such a person gets married, as their spouse may feel untrusted or unneeded.
If you had a sibling with significant health issues, your parents rightly gave more time and attention to that child. You understand that today and may well have understood it as a child. But you were shortchanged. Children from such families have a unique mix of positive and negative traits, with attachment issues and hyperindependence both being possible.
Or perhaps you were a special needs child and your parent didn’t know what to do. Maybe there was no help from schools. Maybe you went undiagnosed for many years. Some gifted children fit in this category; if there were no programs for them, they suffered. If your parents didn’t understand, they couldn’t give you what you needed regardless of how much they wanted to do so.
Another issue is being raised by a single parent of the opposite sex than you. This one is not usually as bad as the other things I’ve mentioned, but you missed some things other kids got. Being raised by a single parent of the same sex also cheats you.
Sometimes the best that can be done is not enough. There is no blame to put on parents who did their best, but at the same time you may have been injured. It’s okay to acknowledge the injury and why it happened. Doing that is an important step to getting healthy.
If you’re reading this and realising you’re the parent in one of these scenarios, let me say this: you’re doing hard, important work. It’s okay to acknowledge that your kids may need more than you can give. If you can find ways to supplement, such as relatives, mentors, or church community, do it. And when they’re older, be willing to hear how your limitations affected them.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that our past affects our present, and dealing with our past improves our future.
Saw this at a friend’s house.
This is why they are my friends!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 13, 2026 | NotBest
Podcast: https://bit.ly/45bPi0N
Yesterday I talked about giving parents an ‘easy pass.’ Today I want to address a sneakier version of the same thing: being honest about one parent while giving the other a pass.
If your parents were divorced, you might have done this. Especially if you rarely saw one parent. You told yourself mom was horrible, and the divorce was all her fault, while idolising your dad, who you didn’t see for several years.
If one parent was clearly abusive, you may be honest about that parent while telling yourself the other parent was great. You may even see the small ways they tried to protect you as brave and proof they were caring. But if you were being neglected or abused and the other parent let it continue, that other parent failed you horribly.
You may wonder why I am pushing this. How does it help you to face the fact neither of your parents was what they should have been? Does admitting dad should have left your alcoholic mother to protect you change reality today? Does acknowledging that your mother had to know what dad was doing when he put you to bed at night make it hurt any less?
At first, facing such truths tends to make us feel worse. The lie we have used to make us feel better is gone. How can that be a good thing?
Comfort built on lies is false comfort, and it prevents growth and genuine healing. Perhaps it was all you had when you were young. Or maybe you could not deal with the truth then. But today you’re an adult with more strength, self-determination, and better resources. Identify the lies of the past and set them aside so you can become free.
As you confront the lies from your childhood, share them with your spouse. Choose a calm moment and say something like, “I’ve been processing some things about my childhood. I’d like to share what I’m learning.” This will help them better understand you. It might also help them face lies from their past.
~ This is Paul, and even when it’s difficult, the truth sets us free.
This is from last year:
But worth seeing!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 12, 2026 | NotBest
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3NqUOqh
I’ve talked before about how our childhood impacts our marriage. This continues that theme. This post discusses childhood abuse and neglect. If this topic is difficult for you, please read with care—or skip this one and come back when you’re ready.
Today I listened to a woman talk about her childhood, which was horrible because of what her parents did. After talking matter-of-factly about it, she said, “But they did the best they could,” and moved on.
I have a negative reaction when people do that. I mean, I’m all for giving your parents grace, but usually when people do this, they discount how bad it was and how much it hurt them.
I did a bit of reading on this phrase, looking at how counsellors and therapists feel about it. I saw things such as:
- “I think it gets in the way of healing.”
- “When we can acknowledge something was evil, and has harmed us, we free ourselves to analyse the behaviour and stop doubting and devaluing ourselves.“
- “I call this ‘cheap forgiveness’. Because this process requires so much work, most people opt for cheap forgiveness.“
- “This is denial.“
I saw one person with a horrible childhood say, “My parents did the best they could, AND their choices wounded me.” This is how we should see it. As one therapist said, “True healing requires an honest account of what happened to you, not excuses and justifications for bad behavior.“
Giving our parents an easy pass is understandable. When we were young, we depended on them, and admitting their failures felt dangerous. Beyond that, in abusive and addictive families, kids are taught very early to keep family secrets hidden. And this habit does not vanish when we become adults.
Forgiving does not mean denying reality. If your dad beat you, then he did that. If mom was negligent because she was usually drunk or high, that is reality. If dad expected impossible things and punished you when you inevitably failed, that’s who he was. If mom ignored your stepdad being inappropriate because she was afraid of being alone, that happened. Forgiving does not change the past, and real forgiveness requires acknowledging what needs to be forgiven.
Have you given your parents an easy pass to avoid dealing with what they did? If so, that is impacting your marriage. You probably don’t see the impact, but it’s there. It might be difficulty trusting, repeating what your parents did, being emotionally unavailable, or overreacting to certain behaviours.
~ This is Paul, and our past influences how we Do Marriage.
I’ve been working on the loft stairs, which has allowed Tilly to climb the post into the loft.
Getting back down is more work.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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