by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 19, 2026 | Perception
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4ekSAnA
How do you perceive your spouse sexually speaking? It matters, because how you see them affects how you act and what you expect sexually. If your perception is inaccurate, that will limit or hurt your sex life.
Culture feeds us stereotypes and lies about how men and women are sexually. Men are selfish. All they care about is sex. If you don’t keep them satisfied, they will cheat. Women use sex to get what they want. Women who don’t enjoy sex just haven’t been with a guy who knows how to do it right. Women stop wanting sex after marriage.
Most of these are true of some individuals. Perhaps you had a relationship with such a person before marrying your spouse. And you no doubt have friends who have experienced these things. But none of these is the norm, and painting them on your spouse because of their plumbing is unfair and leads to problems.
But there are other false ways of seeing your spouse that are far more insidious and do a lot of harm. Let’s look at one:
Women should orgasm from intercourse: We can thank Freud for this one. He proclaimed that clitoral orgasms were infantile and that mature women should only climax through penetrative intercourse – the so-called “vaginal orgasm”. What Freud didn’t know is orgasms during intercourse are usually a result of indirect stimulation of the clitoris.
Today we know a woman’s ability to climax from intercourse is based on how far her clitoris is from her vagina. Less than an inch, she probably can. More than an inch, she can’t. It has nothing to do with her mind or his skill; it comes down to anatomy.
Sadly there are those who still believe Freud’s error. There are women who could enjoy sex but don’t because they’re not built to orgasm from intercourse alone, and they and/or their husbands won’t do anything else. I’ve talked to men who would be happy to give her an orgasm some other way, but she won’t hear of it – and to men who think her orgasm has to be a result of intercourse or it’s wrong.
Other couples do what it takes for her to climax, but she feels bad about it. She thinks there’s something wrong with her. She thinks if she were a real woman, intercourse would be enough. Or perhaps she secretly blames her husband. How very sad for them as a couple.
God never said, “Thou shalt orgasmith from thrusting.” If you can and want to, great. If you can’t, or don’t want to, also great.
If you want a practical workaround, try this: get a small vibrator and place it between your bodies during face-to-face intercourse.
~ This is Paul, and misinformation doesn’t help you Do Sex Well.
Our evening view
We live in a beautiful place!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 18, 2026 | Perception
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4eyQAXG
Yesterday we looked at a common wrong image men have of their wives. Today a common false image women have of their husbands.
More than once I’ve heard a woman with two children say she has three children to care for, putting her husband into the child category. It’s usually said in a joking way, but it’s not a joke. At least in part it’s how she sees her husband, and that false view is hurting him, their marriage, and their children. Besides, it’s disrespectful to tell people your husband is childish.
Other women are more blunt, calling their husband a “man-child”.
I realise the Peter Pan Syndrome is a real thing. But I’ve seen women say this about men who are competent, able, and respected. If she’s the only one who sees him as childish, odds are it’s her.
A slightly less horrible way this idea is shared is by saying, “The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.” I think this one shows the real issue behind women finding men to be childish. Many men will set aside life’s worries and have fun even when there are real problems that need to be addressed. Many women see this as not being serious about the problems.
There are a couple of gender differences at play here. First, personality studies have found men as a group score higher on measures of playfulness. Because of this, men are more likely to use humour or playful activities as a temporary coping mechanism. Second, women have higher levels of daily stress. So a wife may see things as being worse than her husband does. These things mean men are more likely to take some time to play even when things are difficult. If they come back to the problems, likely feeling better able to confront them, it’s all good.
I found a number of articles advising women how to deal with a man-child or Peter Pan husband. But very few of those articles made any attempt to challenge the woman’s perception. Yes, such men exist. But some women who accuse their husband of such things are wrong. If your husband is not doing what he needs to do, that’s a problem. If you’re upset he isn’t tackling a task the way you would, that’s not a failure. If he gets it done, how he acts along the way shouldn’t be an issue.
All that said, if his approach causes you a good deal of trouble, it would be good to talk about that. Start by telling him it’s you, not him. Then ask if he can somehow reassure you before he takes a mental health break that he is aware of the problems and will deal with them.
~ This is Paul, and seeing your husband clearly is Doing Marriage Well.
Caught some turtles getting some morning sun.
The camera click sound from my phone sent them into the water.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 17, 2026 | Perception
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4vZupB7
How our heart sees our spouse incorrectly is not always seeing them as bad or evil. We can project onto them weakness or brokenness that we’ve seen in others. We might even be doing this out of love, not wanting to hurt them or push them too hard. But a false image is false even if it is born out of love.
When I was a lad in the 60s and 70s, women were considered mentally weak and emotionally frail. A good man who believed that would make accommodations for it in how he treated his wife and what he expected of her. Despite any evidence to the contrary, his heart saw his wife as fragile.
A false view of our spouse cheats them and limits our marriage no matter why we believe the lie. Seeing your wife as fragile means you treat her that way. You worry she can’t deal with difficult things. This can lead to hiding the fact that you are struggling financially or are feeling depressed. Your wife is not a partner; she is a broken person you care for. You end up carrying more than you should, and you may eventually blame your wife for that.
We may also use a wrong view of our spouse to justify our own sin or not confess our sins. So, for example, a man uses porn and masturbates because he thinks his wife is too delicate to deal with his full sex drive. Or he chooses not to confess the affair he had because “it would destroy her”. Lies and half-truths are seen as a necessary evil because of our false image.
Does how you see your wife in your heart agree with what you see and hear from her? Have you given into a cultural lie or had your vision skewed by your past? It seems like a good thing to pray about.
~ This is Paul, and seeing your wife as fragile is not Doing Marriage Well.
On a totally unrelated note, it’s been way too long since I have mentioned that what you read here is donation-supported. If you value what I write, would you consider helping out? Thanks! While we always appreciate one-off donations, recurring donations help us budget.
This “hairy ant” was seen outside.
It’s a velvet ant. Actually a flightless wasp with a nasty sting!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 16, 2026 | Perception
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3ScPFEH
The way our heart, aka Mr Hyde, sees our spouse is prone to “gender profiling”. If we have a negative opinion about the opposite sex, we paste that on our spouse because they are part of that group. Like most prejudices, we tend to be blind to it. In our minds it’s reality. And this view is likely supported by our same-sex friends.
If your dad treated your mom badly, you expect your husband to do the same to you. With your mind, you see he’s not that way, but your heart suspects he’s just pretending. If your dad treated your mom better in public than in private, you know men fake it and may expect the same from your husband.
If your college girlfriend was given to irrationality and bursts of emotion, you may think this is how women are. She was sweet at first, but as you got closer, she turned. And internally you expect your wife to do the same.
And again, the stories your friends tell will tend to reinforce you seeing the bad. We recall bad things better and more strongly than good things. So what we share about our lives tends toward the bad. You will hear more from your friends about how their spouse was rude, mean, or selfish than you will hear about them being loving, generous, and a blessing.
These ways of seeing your spouse are, in part, protective. If you’re on the lookout for the ugly stuff you have suffered in the past, you may see it in time to avoid or limit it. In a similar way, the bad things your friends have suffered in any of their romantic relationships serve as a cautionary tale. But there’s a problem. If you look hard for something, you will find it. If there is any hint, you will enlarge it. And if it’s not there, you may see it anyway. With your past and the voices of your friends in your head, your sight is skewed.
You fight all of this by engaging the rational part of your mind. Challenge what you feel. Is there good evidence for the conclusion fear and feelings have fed you? Is there another explanation for what your spouse said or did?
If your spouse has no history of being abusive and is only occasionally selfish, you should give them a large dose of the benefit of the doubt. Tell Mr Hyde to go away; he’s not your friend! Expect imperfect but real love from your spouse, and you will find it easier to see just that in their words and actions.
A challenge: Next time a friend complains about their spouse, ask for one good thing their partner did this week.
~ This is Paul, and while Dr Jekyll will help you to Do Marriage Well, Mr Hyde never will.
It’s baby bunny time!
Will pose for food.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 15, 2026 | Perception
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4uzLn7K
How do you see your spouse? I’m not talking about the outside, the wrapping paper. I’m talking about how you perceive who they are and how they are.
What makes this tricky is we perceive our spouse in two ways. There is how we see them in our minds and how we see them in our hearts. When I asked you how you saw them, what you thought was probably mostly about how you see them in your mind. That version is based on fact and logic. It’s about what they do and say.
How you see them in your heart is based on feelings and can be significantly influenced by bad things from your past. Your heart’s version of your spouse is often shaped less by reality and far more by how your opposite-sex parent behaved or how early romantic interests treated you.
These two competing views can create a real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde dynamic in how we respond to our spouse. Jekyll knows your spouse forgot to buy milk because they had a long day. Hyde tells you they forgot because they don’t value your time.
When we are feeling good, we run off the Dr Jekyll version of how we see our spouse. We see them as they are, both good and bad. We see them as good-willed, and we see the ways they give and sacrifice for us.
When we’re frustrated, stressed, or upset, Mr Hyde comes out and gives us the ugly version of our spouse. We become overly focused on flaws and failures and lack grace and compassion. Things we had forgiven as Jekyll are not forgiven when Hyde is in control. Hyde tells you lies, making accusations about your spouse you would reject when feeling right.
Can you see the two views you have of your spouse? Can you think of times when Hyde was driving you?
The solution to this is to get your heart to see what your mind sees. This will probably require dealing with the things in your past that drive the Hyde version.
~ This is Paul, and Hyde will never help Do Marriage Well.
The new strawberry beds are doing well.
I see a ripe one. And a weed! 😡
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
