Today’s Playlist offering is Slow Ride, written and performed by The Coats,, an a cappella group based in Seattle, and not well known outside the Pacific Northwest.
Something about the way you kissed me goodbye You didn’t have to say it.
As he leaves for work, she kisses him in a way that says, “I want you.” When you know each other well, a moment like that can speak volumes
It’s going to be a slow ride tonight We’ll take our time, hold on tight
There are a lot of ways to make love, and it’s good to mix it up. Unhurried sex is one enjoyable option.
I thank God for my life and a quiet night alone with my wife
Gratitude is good. Let both God and your spouse know how much you enjoy your marriage and sex life.
Note: Quick post today—fever is winning. I’m doing well to sit up!
~ This is Paul, and I don’t know if being sick together is Doing Marriage Well.
Can’t do a Playlist week without the Beatles! So today, When I’m Sixty-Four.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me When I’m sixty-four?
It’s a cute lyric—until you realise plenty of couples reach their sixties feeling more like roommates than spouses.
Will you still want me when we get older? There’s a more important question – are you doing things that keep your marriage alive so your marriage is still alive when you’re older? If you want a good marriage when you retire, you have to have a good marriage now. You have to stay connected. Keep talking. Keep doing life together. And make intimacy, of all kinds, a high priority.
Doing that is difficult as the kids get older. The late 30s and 40s are usually very busy years. When you have too much to do, it’s tempting to think your marriage is good and coast a bit. But marriage is like going up the down escalator – you have to work just to not lose ground. Coast for very long, and your marriage will suffer.
Common interests need to be cultivated before you retire. I’ve seen couples realise when their children all move away that the kids were the only thing they had in common. In theory you can work to find common interests at sixty, but I assure you that is very difficult, and some couples who tried it that way failed.
Doing the garden, digging the weeds Who could ask for more?
What you do together need not be exciting or expensive. Sharing the simple things can be enjoyable and satisfying.
Every summer, we can rent a cottage In the Isle of Wight, if it’s not too dear We shall scrimp and save (We shall scrimp and save)
Of course some of what you want to enjoy together may cost a bit. Saving for a shared dream is always a good thing, be it a once-in-a-lifetime vacation or a yearly trip.
Mine for evermore
Forevermore starts now. Are you building a solid forevermore? What could you start doing together? Gardening, walking, cooking, church serving, day trips, board games, DIY, volunteering, learning a skill, or saving towards a dream?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Together is Doing Marriage Well.
Today’s Playlist offering is from 1976: Don’t Go Breaking My Heart, sung by Elton John & Kiki Dee. It’s playful, but it nails something many couples miss: when one is down, the other can make the moment lighter—or at least less lonely.
Elton: When I was down Kiki: I was your clown
Everyone has down times. Sometimes a bit of humour is what we need. Other times we need a kind word. A silent hug or a long snuggle is sometimes the way to go, while other times what we need is “I’m praying, and I’m here when you want to talk,” followed by some space.
Being what our spouse needs means we have to know and understand them. It won’t be the same thing every time. And sometimes they may need something they will push away the first time it’s offered. Early in marriage it’s hit and miss, but if you work at it, you will learn what your spouse needs when they’re down, stressed, worried, or overwhelmed.
Kiki: You take the weight off of me
This is the beauty and power of sharing life: even when you can’t help, you can make it feel less horrible. Sharing our worries and fears with an empathetic partner takes some of the weight off of us.
Elton: Don’t go breaking my heart Kiki: I won’t go breaking your heart
He expresses the fear she will break his heart, and she assures him she won’t do it. I suppose you could say talk is cheap. Assurances matter most when they’re backed by patterns – small faithful actions that make your words believable. Beyond that, when your spouse exposes a fear such as this, you should make a mental note about it. Make an effort to reassure them with both your words and actions. Don’t make the mistake of taking their fear personally, because the odds are it’s not about you. Our fears generally have roots in earlier experiences – sometimes from childhood, sometimes from past relationships.
Not sure what your spouse most needs when they are down? Ask them when they are not down. Try something like, “When you’re stressed, what helps most: humour, a hug, prayer, problem-solving, space or something else?”
~ This is Paul, and for me, dressing as a clown is NOT Doing Marriage Well!
Built new nest boxes for the chickens. Most of them are getting it.
The blue eggs are fake, to encourage them to lay in the boxes.
Today’s Playlist pick is This Is Me, from The Greatest Showman.
A few relevant lyrics:
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars “Run away,” they say
I am brave, I am bruised I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me
I want to rewrite that to “This is us”, as in you and your spouse.
The couple in the image I used for this post have obvious wounds. Metaphorically, they are wounds received from working out their marriage. Every marriage has challenging times. Ideally we face those together, but sometimes we face off with each other. Both kinds of battle result in wounds.
Most folks hide their marriage wounds. Some couples engage in a carefully crafted lie they both tell to hide the truth. This conspiracy hurts both the couple and others.
If you hide that you are in the midst of a marriage battle, you can’t receive support and prayers. Even if you can get through it without those things, it will be more difficult without them. And some marriages end because they fail to get the help they need before it’s too late to matter.
Hiding your struggles also hurts others because they don’t see the truth that it’s not just them. They hide behind their lies, thinking they have struggles others don’t have. That leads to isolation, fear, and discouragement.
I’m not suggesting you advertise every argument to the world. When you’re in the midst of a struggle, you need to be wise and only share it with trusted, mature individuals who can offer real help and/or powerful prayers. But don’t hide everything all the time. Be transparent with those close to you. And be quick to offer your past struggles as examples to give others comfort or wisdom.
We all struggle with our marriages at times. We need to be honest about that. Even more importantly, we need to share how we have made it through the struggles, and that often our marriage comes out the other side stronger and happier.
Say, as Lori and I do:
We are brave, we are bruised We are not scared to be seen We make no apologies, THIS IS US!
~ This is Paul, and it’s easier to Do Marriage Well with examples to follow.
The backstory is what makes this hit so hard. In 2010, at the age of 23, Stirling made the quarter-finals of America’s Got Talent. The male voice at the start is Piers Morgan, a judge who savages her performance. Among other things, he said:
To do what you do, you’ve got to be a world-class violinist. There are times where it sounded, to me, like a bunch of rats being strangled. You’re not good enough.
Then the video cuts to what she’s done since then, including playing for 170,000 fans at Lollapalooza Paris on July 21, 2023. At the end of the piece, we again hear Morgan say, “You’re not good enough.” And Stirling says, “Not good enough, YET.”
Yet. A small word with so much power.
You don’t have a good marriage, YET.
You don’t know how to be a good husband or wife, YET.
You don’t have a good sex life, YET.
You don’t feel loved or respected by your spouse, YET.
God wants every one of us to have a solid, happy marriage. And the vast majority of folks who struggle with that today can have it. Don’t let the negative voices tell you you’re not good enough; keep at it, work at it, fight for it. Keep reminding yourself you don’t have it, YET!
This week when you run into something you dislike about your marriage, remind yourself you don’t have what you want… YET!
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Speaking of happy couples,
Twelve years ago my son and daughter-in-law got married!
