by PAUL BYERLY | May 29, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fOjrt7
I don’t recall where I came across this quote:
You mustn’t force sex to do the work of love or love to do the work of sex. ~ Mary McCarthy
It’s simple, brilliant, and oh, so true. And those who try to help married couples run into folks doing this wrong all the time.
Sex is great. I think God intends a married couple to have sex regularly. And I know a healthy sex life helps a couple feel closer and can smooth out some bumps in the marriage. But no amount of sex will solve relationship issues. Or make them not matter.
You can possibly give a young man so much sex he will give you a pass on relationship issues for a time, but that won’t last forever.
The reverse is also true. Your marriage can’t be loving or supportive enough to make sex unnecessary or make it okay that you’re not having it. A person who has sublimated their sexuality might think that should be possible, but it’s not. Very, very few men would be okay with a sexless marriage, and not a lot of women would be okay with it either.
Good sex and a good relationship are related, but they are two things which are both needed for a healthy marriage.
When couples have problems, each may focus on the aspect they see as most important: one wanting to work on the relationship while the other wants to work on sex. And that disagreement just makes things worse.
You can’t have a truly good sex life with a poor relationship. And you can’t have a great relationship with a poor sex life. So what do you do?
In our experience, you find a way to have a functional sex life. That might look like intercourse once a week and something else when wanted by at least one spouse. Nothing fancy, just basic sex. With that done, you dig into the relationship and work hard to make it strong and healthy.
Often making the relationship good will improve sex without any effort. When this is not the case, you work on sex again after the relationship is solid.
If you and your wife are at cross purposes on your relationship and sex life, have a discussion about this way of dealing with both.
~ This is Paul, and Doing both Marriage & Sex Well can be a bit of a dance.
PS. Widget does what the dog in the image is doing all the time!
Hiding from the heat.
I need to get their shade cloth up.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 28, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/430qGqs
A study with a 22-word-long title “discovered” that romantic partners who feel uncertain about their relationship tend to experience more negative emotions during everyday conversations. Because it was an observational study, looking at recordings of couples, researchers were able to see things missed by surveys.
The researchers suggested that people who are unsure where they stand in their relationship don’t have a good framework to interpret their partner’s behaviour. In part this means not giving the benefit of the doubt. It also means confusion and concern, which fosters negative feelings and inhibits good communication.
The research also found that those who felt their partner helped them with their daily goals felt better during conversation with that partner. This occurred for both men and women but was stronger for women.
Reading all of this, you may be thinking, “Well, duh. If I treat them well and they feel secure in our relationship, anything we do together will go better.” All the study does is prove what we would assume is true.
That said, while it’s obvious, do we work to treat our spouse well and make them feel secure in our marriages? Knowing it would help is great, but if that doesn’t influence our actions, it’s useless knowledge.
Too often we act as if the various parts of our marriage are, or should be, separate. Being rude this morning was because I was tired and rushed. It didn’t mean anything, and my spouse shouldn’t still feel beat up by it at dinner. Yes, I got carried away and yelled at him for not taking out the trash. But that’s no reason for him to avoid conversation an hour later. Okay, I did ignore her most of the day. But that shouldn’t affect her interest in having sex at bedtime.
I hope when you read those, you saw how wrong they were. But have you ever acted that way? Do you want a pass on some of what you do? Do you want to be judged on your general character, with your bad behaviour being ignored?
Your marriage is not separate parts. Each part influences the others. Pretending otherwise will not work out well for you.
~ This is Paul, and we need to Do Marriage Well consistently.
The purple iris are finally blooming
Widget approves.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 27, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/43x5TLe
I have undiagnosed ADHD. Anyone who knows me is sure I have it. I suspect it shows up in my posts at times.
So I was interested when I saw a study entitled Preferences for social support and perceived support gaps among attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) adults. The short version is that ADHD folks in romantic relationships don’t feel they get the emotional help and support they desire from their partners. The researchers concluded that the specific cognitive and emotional patterns associated with ADHD can create unique challenges for navigating relationship support.
Individuals with ADHD often process information and regulate emotions differently than the general population. This means they may have different needs. It may also mean they don’t feel efforts that would be felt by a neurotypical spouse.
One big issue was how much support the individuals felt they got from their partner for the difficulties that come with ADHD. And most of them very much wanted help and support.
But I don’t want to make this all about ADHD. There are other forms of neurodivergence which can affect how a couple relates. The most obvious is being on the autism spectrum. But there are others we don’t tend to think about, such as dyslexia; dyscalculia, which is difficulty with numbers and understanding numerical information; and prosopagnosia, AKA face blindness. And others.
If you or your spouse’s brain diverges from the norm, that is going to be a factor in your marriage. Pretending it’s not there won’t make it go away. The better the other spouse understands the issue, the better they can relate and help. It’s not a ‘them thing’; it’s a marriage issue. And that makes it an ‘us thing’.
If you can find a couple where one spouse has the same issue, that may be particularly helpful.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well looks more different for some couples.
Resource: Two Different Brains in Love: Conflict Resolution in Neurodiverse Relationships ~ Gottman institute
The plant is comfrey. Chickens who eat it lay more eggs.
And it’s good for pigs too. I wonder if squirrels like it…
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 26, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Q5esK9
Think about those visions you have for your marriage. Are they dreams, goals, ambitions, aims, targets, or maybe even quests? (Hat tip to Jessica Stillman)
It would be more or less accurate to say those words are synonyms. But they actually mean different things. How we see our desires and how we present them to our spouse matters.
Dreams are long-term visions you kick around as “What if?” or “Could we?” “I dream of travelling the country someday,” for example. You both have a number of dreams, and you know many won’t come to pass.
Goals are things you are actively working towards. Such as saving for a down payment on a house. Or for an RV to travel the country.
Aims are a general direction or intent. These are the lifestyle intentions that guide your daily choices. “We aim to make our home a place of peace and hospitality.”
Ambitions are about an internal drive to achieve something significant. For example, building a family business that you can pass on to your children.
Targets are specific, often numerical, and generally short-term. Targets are the rungs on the ladder to a larger goal. So, for example, “Our target for this month is to have four tech-free date nights.” Or to get the RV running.
Quests are a transformative journey toward a noble or spiritual end. A quest is as much about the person you become along the way as the destination. For example, “Our quest is to foster children and provide a stable home for the vulnerable.”
A healthy marriage has all of these. And it’s important to know which are which and to be on the same page about them.
Lori tells the long version of the story of our time travelling the US by RV. Early in our marriage, I shared my dream of walking across America. Lori wasn’t into that. Later I suggested doing it by bike, something Lori was also not down with. However, at that point she realised this was an aim for me. When I suggested we do it by RV, she was good with that. It became a shared goal, and within the year we were doing it.
Communication along the way is how we got from my dream to our shared quest. And it’s how you do the same in your marriage. Identifying things as goals, ambitions or quests will help you. A couple might argue, for example, because one thinks they are discussing a “target” (immediate), while the other thinks it’s just a “dream” (theoretical).
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Speaking of fostering children, it’s been way too long since I mentioned the effort to build the Humphrey Family a home for their eight foster children. If you are looking for a good cause to support, check it out!
Widge is willing to share her duck, her favourite toy.
But if the puppy looks at her food dish, that is not okay!
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 25, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4nO3Iw3
I have a growing collection of bits that don’t warrant a full week. So I’m going to do those this week. To kick things off, let’s talk about venting.
Most of us have vented. And most of us have listened as our spouse vented. We think it helps, like releasing steam from a pressure cooker so it doesn’t explode. It’s cathartic; it helps us get it out of our system.
Only, it doesn’t. A growing number of studies find venting does nothing to reduce anger. Rather, it keeps us in “fight or flight” mode, which stresses our body and keeps inhibiting our ability to think clearly.
I should make an important distinction here. Reflection can help us understand why we got angry and can point to underlying issues in us that we should address. Additionally, reflection with another person can provide emotional validation, an important step towards processing emotions in a healthy way.
Venting, however, goes beyond reflection. It’s reliving, rehearsing, and rumination. It may be an effort to get someone to tell us our anger is okay. It’s looking to justify something that is unhealthy – if not wrong.
The effective way to reduce anger is to engage in activities that decrease arousal levels. Breathing exercises are one good option for reducing anger or frustration. A long hug is another.
Going for a run, however, is a bad choice. Because it increases arousal, it can actually make you angrier. Likewise for screaming or hitting a punching bag. On the other hand, a slow walk, especially with your spouse, is good if you don’t talk about what upset you. Or walk your dog or stroll through nature.
If the situation is something that requires a response from you, calming down first will help you see more clearly. And that can only help.
Finally, as a marriage issue, don’t ask or expect your husband or wife to validate your anger. Instead, ask them to help you calm down and deal with things from that place. Venting to, or around, your spouse can upset or hurt them.
~ This is Paul, and using your spouse as a verbal punching bag is not Doing Marriage Well.
You don’t have to be a master mechanic to know this is a problem!
We fight mice constantly.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 30, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4k7FOK4
I recently saw an article entitled “Forget what porn taught you, this is what women really want in bed.”
I didn’t read the article. While I agree with the first half of the title, the second half is problematic.
It’s true that most of what is shown in porn has no connection with what real women want in bed. Likewise for the sex you see in movies and TV shows. It seems some of the directors lack a basic understanding of human anatomy. Romance novels are also reality-challenged, providing women with an example that they will never find with a real man.
But unrealistic portrayals are only half the issue. The other half? The assumption that women (or men) are interchangeable. Men and women are unique individuals, and this is especially true when you look at sexuality. One woman only wants sex in a certain position, while another hates that position. Some find nipple play a fantastic form of foreplay, while others get nothing from it, and some find it distracting or annoying. Men may be slightly more similar to each other, but there are still significant preferences, likes, and dislikes.
There is no universal “what women want in bed” playlist, and searching for such a thing is a fool’s errand.
Books and blogs can give you ideas to try, and that can be useful. Just see it as a list of possibilities to be vetted. It can be a helpful way to start exploring.
The goal is to learn what your unique husband or wife enjoys sexually. But that may not be easy, as they may not know! If you had never tasted food and I asked you what you wanted to eat, you would have no idea. After trying a few things, you could say which you liked, which you liked a lot, and which you did not enjoy. But there are a great many foods out there! You can often guess if you will enjoy a dish based on its similarity with other things you have eaten, but sometimes a dish surprises you.
A great sex life is a lifelong journey of exploration, not a destination.
Two bits of advice for the journey.
First, work to dump your preconceived ideas and legalistic rules you may have been taught. Your sex life is between the two of you and God. No one else gets a say. If you both enjoy a sex act, then it’s a good thing for your marriage bed. The Bible puts no limits on a couple’s sex life as long as it remains between the two of them and causes no harm.
Second, because it is easier to make sex good for men, her preferences should be given more weight than his. For example, for her, the difference between two positions can be having or not having an orgasm, or being or not being sore the next day. For him, the difference is how much he enjoys it. His preferences certainly matter, but making sex good for both of you is a bigger priority.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is a process.
Play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play!!!!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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