by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 25, 2025 | PURSUIT
I recently came across a study that shows just how important pursuit is. The study was intended to gain insight into why sex relationships results in significantly more orgasms for men than their female partner. Their conclusion was it can be largely explained by what they called “interpersonal orgasm goal pursuit”.
The study looked at three things:
- Personal orgasm goal pursuit: How much each person was trying to orgasm during sex.
- Partner orgasm goal pursuit: How much each person was trying to help their partner orgasm.
- Perceived partner orgasm goal pursuit: How much each person felt their partner was prioritizing their orgasm.
It was found most men were far more serous about having an orgasm than most women. Additionally, women were generally more focused on his orgasm than he was on hers. And men, accurately, felt more support for their orgasm than women.
There are some clear sexual applications for this, but before we do that, this is evidence for what I said Monday, “we often get what we pursue, and almost never get what we do not pursue.” This is true for all aspects of life, and for every part of your marriage.
I would note that while survey participants were in monogamous relationships raging from three months to five years, many were not married. I would expect being married to improve the findings somewhat.
As for your marriage, if her orgasm is less common than his, orgasm pursuit might be a big reason for that. Increasing her orgasm pursuit results in a woman having more orgasms. Additionally, women who felt their partner was serious about them having an orgasm did so more often. In fact, her perception of his orgasm goal pursuit for her was a stronger predictor of her orgasm and sexual satisfaction than her orgasm goal pursuit for herself. So while it needs to matter to both of you, his attitude makes a bigger difference.
There have been those who say making orgasm a goal is counter-productive. I think this study shows that is wrong. There are also those who say her orgasm is less important than his. I would suggest that comes from outdated, selfish thinking. I figure a woman should have as many orgasms as she wants each time she has sex. And while zero is a valid number, it shouldn’t be a common choice.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
Widget update: She retrieves a ball very well, is getting the hang of going outside rather than inside, and lets us sleep almost eight hours a night.
But as can be seen in this picture, the Labrador is strong in this one. I had her off the leash to play with Whiskey, and when Whiskey ran at the pond then turned away, Widget charged in for her first swim. She enjoyed it more than I did!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 24, 2025 | PURSUIT
Yesterday I talked about needing to wisely choose which marriage improvements to pursue first. But how do you decide what’s important and what can wait?
This is one of those places where a third party can help.
I say “third party” because there are a variety of choices. Sometimes a spiritually mature individual or couple is all you need. We did this for folks before we had much of a clue or any training. Looking in from the outside can give you a very helpful perspective.
If you need more, it’s time to find a coach, therapist, or counsellor. Some pastors have training in one of those, some do not. Some churches have lay minsters who have a little, or a lot of training. If your church can’t offer the help you need, it can still be a good starting place to find qualified help.
In general, more training means more cost for the client(s), so what kind of help you seek depends on your situation and how bad it is. You want individuals who have training and experience with the issue your marriage is having. The best addiction counsellor in the world is a poor choice for communication problems. Additionally, if your faith is important to you, someone with a similar worldview and faith is critical.
If you see multiple issues in your marriage, a bit of third party help could make a huge difference. When that help leads you to pursue one issue, you may or may not want additional input.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well sometimes requires a bit of help.
I snapped a sunset during our train ride home.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 23, 2025 | PURSUIT
Your personal goals are easy. If you pursue a reasonable a goal well, you will achieve that goal. But marriage is a team sport, and if you and your spouse aren’t going after a goal together, progress will be slow at best and real success is unlikely.
All too often husband and wife pursue different valid goals. They may both be great, but going separate ways won’t get you where either of you want to be.
This is where specific goals and clear communication are vital. Just “wanting a better marriage” won’t do it. How exactly does a better marriage look? What stands between you and that goal? And how should you jointly pursue that goal?
In addition to your goals being specific, they must be narrow. Working at different part of a broad goal isn’t going to be particularly effective.
What makes this tricky is that you will have different marriage goals. Even if you both want the same things, you will have different priorities for various goals.
So how do you decide what goals to pursue first? Some goals are prerequisites for others. Not reaching some goals will harm your marriage far more than others. So flipping a coin isn’t a good plan.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well means moving together.
We walked a Rhododendron garden while we were away.
I love Rhody’s. Many can’t handle our cold, but a few can. I need to do some research and get a couple.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 22, 2025 | PURSUIT
Yesterday I said that what you’re pursuing tells others what you really want. In marriage, this is huge! Your spouse judges how much you want them, and how much love them, based on how strongly you pursue them and a solid relationship. What you say means nothing; you are judged on what you do.
We are also judged on what we are specifically pursuing. Do we want a good marriage, or are we more concerned with looking like we have a good marriage? Are you after a show marriage, a trophy spouse, or do you want a deep, connected marriage?
Beyond that, do you want a full marriage with all the trimmings, or are you just looking for a few parts? The guy who makes a lot of noise about better sex but shows no sign of wanting a better marriage outside the bedroom is communicating something to his wife that she won’t find at all desirable. Likewise for the husband of a woman who is all about all the trappings of a good life, but shows no interest in connecting with her husband.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Ran across this on our trip.
That’s how you do it, right?
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 21, 2025 | PURSUIT
This week, I want to talk about pursuit. No, not chasing your spouse to the bedroom, not that I have a problem with that.
What does it mean to pursue something? In psychology, it means working towards a goal or objective. It involves a conscious effort and specific actions aimed at getting what is being pursued.
Here’s the thing: while we often get what we pursue, and almost never get what we do not pursue. Wanting something doesn’t get it for you. Talking about getting something is just talk. Playing at getting what you want is better, but at best it will eventually get you less than you want.
What you pursue is what you obtain. And looking a what you’re pursuing tells others what you really want.
So, are you just talking about having a better marriage? Are you playing at it?. Or are you pursuing a better marriage with gusto and single mindedness?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
I’ve been pursuing getting a dog for some time now. We wanted to wait past snow, and then our recent trip. I had found some puppies at a no kill shelter, and when we got back, five of the original fifteen were still there. And so I introduce you to Widget:
Widget is half Labrador, half Cocker Spaniel. She is four months old.
And this was Tilly’s reaction:
Tilly is calling the interloper “Nemesis”. And the puppy is calling her “Chew-toy”. I’m sure they will be friends. Eventually.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
