by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 3, 2025 | Put Up
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46AEeeX
What are you putting up with sexually? What about your spouse?
Fear and being taught to “be nice” are very much at play here, along with embarrassment and a lack of knowledge. Because of these things, most marriages have plenty of “putting up with” in bed.
I could give you a laundry list of things couples put up with sexually. In fact, I did that. And erased it. Twice.
It’s easy to be worked up about what we put up with. Especially with something as personal and intimate as sex. And yes, you deserve to have a sex life you enjoy. I’ve talked about that plenty, and will do so again. But as I rewrite this post, for the third time, I want to go in a different direction.
Your spouse also deserves a sex life they enjoy. And unless they have completely given up, you can do something about that. You can ask them what would make sex better for them, listen to what they say, and then try your best to do that for them. Not for what you hope to get in return. Not to prime the pump. Do it because you love them and want them to enjoy life.
~ This is Paul, putting your spouse first is Doing Marriage and Sex Well.
October is always busy. So many things to be done before they disappear under snow.
Building the second strawberry bed, so Lori can move the last of the strawberries so I can extend the turkey yard into the current strawberry area.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 2, 2025 | Put Up
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46xCBOX
So you have identified annoying things you would really like your spouse to stop doing. They may seem small or silly, but they bother you enough it’s a problem. What do you do? What if you have put up with whatever for your entire marriage? Or you mentioned it in the past, but stopped.
If you are asking for a change to what your spouse has reason to think is okay, be up front about that. This is about you, not them. You are asking them to change because whatever is a problem for you.
My dear wife has recently approached me a few times about what she calls forty-year habits. Little things I do that she has never liked, but have never mentioned because of her issues (be nice, for one). She has grown to the point where she feels she deserves the changes she asked for.
One example is my not pushing in a chair after I use it. This most commonly happened when I pulled out a chair to put on my shoes. It’s a little thing, but it annoyed her. And I was happy to make an effort to change. She says I’ve done well. I know she would gently remind me if I forgot.
By calling it a forty-year habit, Lori is saying she knows it’s a well engrained behaviour. That grace makes it easier for me. It’s a nice way to express the need for change. Find a calm time, and select a single habit to address. Repeat as needed.
Of course, her doing this encourages me to do the same with her. And that’s great!
~ This is Paul, and little changes can have big impact.
New strawberry bed.
Rich in compost, and deer protected. Lots of strawberries next year!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 1, 2025 | Put Up
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46HQkS8
Yesterday, I suggested that putting up with things from your spouse hurts your marriage. Tolerating habits can be a problem, but in many healthy marriages, there are things each spouse chooses to tolerate out of love. So how do you find the balance?
Healthy acceptance of things that annoy you is about making an intentional, well considered choice. It’s done out of love, balanced by your own needs.
Can you pick up his socks, which almost never make it to the laundry basket, without feeling like he is making you his maid? Can you smile and think about all the wonderful things he does? Or do you wonder what is wrong with him? Are you just giving up after telling him about it hundreds of times, or have you honesty decided it’s just not that big a deal?
Can you smile and enjoy her when she interrupts you with something unimportant, or will you be frustrated about it long after she is done? Are you lovingly engaging her desire to share every bit of her life with you, or are you just humouring her because you’ve decided you must?
Beyond that, how will it look ten or twenty years from now? Can you love and accept the behaviour for the rest of your marriage, or is it going to wear on you?
If you accept your spouse for who they are, both beautiful and broken, you can overlook a few things that annoy you a bit. But other things will be beyond that, and putting up with things that really bother you is not loving because if costs both of you in some way.
~ This is Paul, what each of us is okay with varies a great deal.
No? What do you mean, no?
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 30, 2025 | Put Up
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4pLd4t1
If you put up with behaviour from your spouse that you don’t like, why? Understanding why you put up with things makes it possible for you to do what’s necessary to bring about a change. If you don’t deal with the why, you won’t be able to hold to your efforts to get change.
To stop living with bad habits, you first need to understand why you tolerate them. So, some common reasons we put up with things we don’t like:
- Fear is a big one. If we complain, will our spouse get upset? Will we drive them off?
- You were taught to be “nice”. This is far more common for women, but some men fall into it as well.
- You thought it would be okay. Some of the things that drive a spouse crazy seemed cute or no big deal when the couple married.
- It’s not worth the fight. Or at least it didn’t seem that way a decade ago.
- They put up with my stuff. Some couples have a silent agreement: you put up with what I do that you don’t like, and I’ll put up with what you do that I don’t like.
- And then there’s rationalisation: It shouldn’t bother me, or it wouldn’t bother others.
None of these makes it okay. If something your spouse does really bothers you, that’s not good for your marriage. It creates annoyance that limits and hurts your relationship.
You deserve to have peace in your marriage. Depending on the actual behaviour, there may need to be some give and take, but just living with it is not a good thing for your marriage, as resentment or emotional distance can build.
~ This is Paul, and enjoying being with your spouse make it far easier to Do Marriage Well.
Lori got the blackberries cleaned up and tied up.
We got a gallon or so this year. Next year will be way better!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 29, 2025 | Put Up
Podcast: https://bit.ly/48FVDEf
Lori and I often tell couples, “What you put up with, you live with.” This is true for most areas of life. If you put up with bad behaviour from your boss, your child, or your dog, the behaviour will continue. Likewise for things that annoy or frustrate you, including inanimate objects like that cabinet door that keeps popping open.
While this seems simple, it’s actually a rather complex issue.
In marriage, this truth hits hard when small annoyances pile up over years. There are a number of things about your spouse you might have put up with that seemed okay at first. But after a decade or three, those things are wearing thin. I want you to think through this, so I will give a list to get you started.
Some things you may be putting up with:
- Sarcasm
- Tardiness
- Messiness
- Bad hygiene
- Procrastination
- An annoying habit
- Being interrupted or talked over
- Being teased. This would include a less than kind nickname.
- Certain words. It could be cuss words, or a word your spouse uses ALL.THE.TIME.
Have you been putting up with any of these, or something else? Would like to stop living with it? Hang around for some ideas on dealing with this.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
We’ve been harvesting carrots.
What you get from the store is not the only shapes that come out of the ground!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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