by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 21, 2025 | Running Together
As with other aspects of marriage, a couple’s sex life can start badly and become great, or start well and become bad. The difference is usually one spouse won’t be quiet about poor or limited sex. While the husband is more likely to be upset about sexual issues, in nearly a third of marriages it’s the wife who is unhappy about the frequency and/or quality of sex.
Sex is an important part of a healthy marriage. When it’s lacking for years, the marriage is in trouble, even if the less interested spouse doesn’t see the warning signs.
But what about busy seasons, as I discussed yesterday? Some couples who normally have no issue with sex find it becomes an issue during busy seasons. This means the couple has a difference on how critical sex is that is easily resolved when they have plenty of time.
Expecting no change in sex when other areas of marriage are suffering from a time squeeze is unreasonable. However, seeing it as something that can or should be more significantly curtailed than other parts of the relationship is also unreasonable.
A good fix for a season of less time for each other is to look for ways to make sex easier or quicker. This means picking your time well. It might mean more sex for just the one with the higher drive. It could mean different sex acts, maybe even masturbating together at the end of a long day. Or it might mean playing catch up on the weekend.
The best strategy is to talk about this before it happens. Or happens again. Be honest about what you feel you need sexually. Also, be honest about how limited non-sexual time together impacts your interest in sex. Then talk out something you can both survive.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that a good sex life also takes time
A friend who raises goats had all three of her nannies give birth.
Edna Mode would not approve, but we aren’t telling her!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 20, 2025 | Running Together
A big part of doing marriage well is working at it consistently. But as with most of what we discuss here, every marriage is different. And what working at it consistently means won’t be the same for every couple.
Years ago, when I made a living doing landscape and irrigation in Texas, I didn’t have a lot of work during the winter months, often no more than twenty hours a week. Then come April I would do sixty or seventy hours a week for the entire month. So April was about surviving. Lori and I would frequently say to each other, “It’s April”. This was not an excuse, it was a reminder that it was just a season. It was also a promise to reconnect and move forward when the season was done.
Your marriage can weather a month of minimal connection. It might survive six months. But at some point, real damage starts to pile up. A healthy marriage requires spending time together. You need time to talk. You need time to do things together. You need time for intimacy, including but not limited to sexual intimacy.
How often does life keep you from having the time you need for a good marriage? If it’s happening for too long or too often, how are you going to change that? What do you need to sacrifice so your marriage is not sacrificed?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that a good marriage takes time.
While I was gone, Lori learned about freeze-drying, and then applied that to apples,
They are very light and airy, and taste great. A nice low cal snack.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 19, 2025 | Running Together
On Monday, after encouraging you that “You can have a horrible start and still have a great marriage”, I warned you that “you can have a great start, and end up on the side of the road”.
This happens all too often. Life gets busy, and one or both spouses assumes their great start on marriage will carry them through. But it won’t.
Marriage is like going up the down escalator. If you’re standing still, you’re losing ground!
But because we’re busy and distracted, we don’t see that we’re losing ground. Or don’t see just how much ground we’re losing. By the time one spouse is unhappy about the situation, the couple may be a long way from where they were. Even worse, they may decide they don’t have the time or energy to deal with it right then.
It is common for couples to look at each other when their kids start to leave home and realise they’re nearly strangers. And at that point, fixing the relationship takes a huge amount of work. And many times one spouse is unwilling to make the effort.
Take an honest look at your marriage. Is it growing? Is it holding ground? Or is it in decline? Does your spouse agree with your assessment?
~ This is Paul, and that the escalator gets slower the higher you go.
I spent last weekend at a men’s retreat in Eastern Oregon. And yes, it rained the whole time.
We lived in this area for three years, and I do find the moss beautiful.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 18, 2025 | Running Together
I said yesterday that “You can have a horrible start and still have a great marriage.” If you’re less than thrilled with your marriage, PLEASE know this is true.
By the end of our second year of marriage, Lori and I were both miserable. That’s when we got serious about changing things. We couldn’t find help, so it was slow-going. But at five years it was good, and it’s continued to improve since then.
All that’s required is both of you being willing to do what it takes. That means being willing to look at your stuff. It means being willing to repent as needed. And it means being willing to change where change is necessary. Counselling or coaching will make it a lot easier, but you can do it on your own with prayer and good books. Or ask an older couple with a good marriage to help you.
Lori and I know couples who moved from miserable to head over heels in love after as long as forty years of marriage. It’s never too late if you’re both willing to make it happen.
I know your spouse has all kinds of things he or she needs to deal with. Please set that aside and ask God where you are preventing your marriage from healing and growing.
A reminder: We have a survey to give us an idea who our audience is. If you haven’t taken a couple of minutes to fill it out, would you please do so?
~ This is Paul, and I know you can have a better marriage!
The first robin of spring.
Arriving after two days of snow. When we lived in Austin, we saw robins going through twice a year. But they summer here, so we get them for months on end.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 17, 2025 | Running Together
I’m at an age where more and more folks around me are talking about wanting to “end well”. I don’t feel I’m near the end, but I do get it. When I closed out The Generous Husband after 22½ years, I was very focused on ending well. At the same time, I was also focused on starting well here. In retrospect, I should have taken off a week between the two, but that’s not how I do life.
Ending well is important. Starting well is good. But what really matters is all the time between the beginning and the end. If you’re running a marathon, and you do great off the starting line, push hard at the end, but slack off the rest of the race, you won’t do well.
Marriage isn’t exactly a race; you can make up lost time better than in a marathon. You can have a horrible start and still have a great marriage. Or you can have a great start, and end up on the side of the road. When life is full of children and all that comes with them, it’s difficult to build your marriage. But you must do at least enough to not lose any of what you have accomplished.
Did your marriage start off with a bang? Or was it more of an explosion? What kind of ups and down have you had since then? Find a few minutes to discuss these things with your spouse.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that you run this race together.
Normally, Tilly naps on the back of the couch, where she can put one paw on Lori’s head or shoulder. However…
When the weather is good, and she’s been chasing mice outside all day, she does a full crash like this.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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