by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 24, 2026 | Seeing Clealry
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3LLqOoM
I spent the week talking about seeing your spouse as good-willed and how doing so positively affects your marriage. But how do we assume good will when our spouse leaves their socks on the floor for the tenth time or seems to ignore our feelings or requests?
Start with prayer. Before you get out of bed in the morning, ask God to help you assume good will and to see intentions, not just actions.
When your spouse does something that is annoying or aggravating, try to reframe it. Why did they do that? Are they busy and not paying attention? Have they had a long hard day and are not trying? Is it a blind spot? Beyond all that, have you made it clear in the past that you dislike it when they do whatever? What’s the most charitable, good-willed explanation for their behaviour?
When your spouse is good-willed, flag that in your mind. We tend to be far more aware of what bothers us than what blesses us. If you kept a running tally, you might find your spouse is far more good-willed than you have given them credit for.
If doing all of this for a couple of weeks leaves you convinced your spouse is not good-willed, then what?
First, check yourself. Are you being good-willed? Are you compassionate when your spouse is struggling? Then ask yourself if this is their long-term norm or something recent. If they have changed, why might that have happened? Is it because of your relationship, or is it an external issue?
Next, start a discussion. Rather than accusing, explain how their actions make you feel. Ask what you can do to help change things. Ask if they are reacting to you or something you are doing. Ask if they can be a little more considerate. And of course, offer grace.
If the issue is new, ask yourself if it might be a season because of what is happening in their life. Sometimes we just have to hold out until things get better. And sometimes we need to speak up. Ask God for wisdom in knowing which is appropriate now. As I said earlier, there are limits. Don’t be a doormat, and absolutely don’t put up with abuse.
Seeing your spouse as good-willed is important for a good marriage. If you are not there, it deserves some effort.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that seeing the good is Doing Marriage Well.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 23, 2026 | Seeing Clealry
12Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Nxnn5C
Is your spouse good-willed about sex?
If you said no, are they good-willed about the rest of life? Usually someone either is or is not good-willed. They may fake it in certain situations, such as at work. But if you live with someone day after month after year, you are going to see through any faking.
If you think your spouse is generally good-willed but is not good-willed about sex, you may be wrong. Let’s look at why someone might feel this way.
If your spouse wants more sex than you do, you may judge them as not good-willed about their desire because you don’t see it as valid. What if not having sex often enough really is a problem? What if it makes them feel unloved? What if they ache to be sexual with you? What if it causes them to be distracted, grumpy, or to lose sleep? If those things were true, would that explain what you see as being unloving or selfish about their desire?
If your spouse is less interested in sex than you, might there be good reasons for that? Has past abuse or wrong teaching about sex made it difficult for them to approach sex? Does pain or difficulty getting aroused make sex no fun? Do they sometimes get aroused and then find they can’t climax? Or does climax take so much time and effort that it’s not worth it? Perhaps having sex works just fine, but afterwards they feel guilty for doing it or for enjoying it. Any of these could make them seem selfish about sex, when the reality is something different.
If you think your spouse is good-willed in all but one area, be it sex or something else, I’d suggest you do some thinking about that. If you are wrong, what are you missing? If you are right, what is going on that makes them different in that one area? Once you have thought about it, discuss it with your spouse. And of course, offer grace!
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The loft stairs are coming along nicely.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 22, 2026 | Seeing Clealry
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3YReAOg
The best way to deal with the things I’ve been discussing this week is to assume your spouse is good-willed. Decide they don’t mean to hurt you, even when it feels like they must be trying to do so.
Doing this is a matter of faith and trust. Make it your default unless and until your spouse proves you wrong.
If your spouse’s actions make it impossible to believe they are good-willed, dig deeper. Is there a valid reason for your spouse to be the way they are, even if it’s not right?
If your spouse is a nurse who just got off a double shift, expecting much from them is unwise and unkind. No, they should not be upset if you make a simple request, but we understand why they might react that way. This is not about being good-willed or not; it’s about being human.
This brings us to grace. The Greek word used to talk about God’s grace in the Bible means unearned, freely given love, favour, and assistance; a gift of acceptance and forgiveness. Giving your spouse that kind of grace is another great way of dealing with differences.
Both giving grace and assuming good will are about choosing to see your spouse in a positive way. Sometimes it’s calling something that is not as if it were. That’s not an easy thing, but it’s a powerful gift for your spouse and your marriage. Sometimes our spouses will live up to how we choose to see them. And if we choose to see them badly, they may well live down to that.
Of course there are limits to this. Don’t become a doormat, and don’t put up with abuse. But do be willing to sacrifice and give when your spouse is not giving back.
~ This is Paul, and choosing to see good is Doing Marriage Well.
We don’t have enough snow. But we still have great sunsets!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 21, 2026 | Seeing Clealry
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4t5zAie
Another obstacle to seeing our spouse clearly is the very human tendency to assume others are as we are. We expect our spouse to think, feel, and react as we do. If I asked you, you would say this is not what you think, but subconsciously we all do it, and it causes a lot of problems!
Some examples:
Sally gets angry, gets over it, and moves on. But her husband, Bob, is not the same way. It’s not that he holds a grudge; he just can’t walk away from a fight and be okay moments later. And because Sally can let go of things so easily, she has less restraint. She lets Bob have it with both barrels; then she can’t figure out why he is so hurt when she’s fine.
Frank is proactive. He looks for problems so they can be dealt with before they get big. He also looks for ways to assist his wife Nancy before she asks, and sometimes before she is even aware she needs help. This is great, but Nancy is not the same way. She is not lacking in empathy and is happy to address problems or do things for Frank when he asks for help. But Frank is regularly upset because Nancy doesn’t see his needs on her own.
Joe was raised in a family where loud discussions were seen as spirited, and no one took offence. His wife, Amy, rarely heard a raised voice at home, and when she did, it was because someone was extremely upset. When Joe raises his voice, she withdraws, confused about why he is angry. Because of this, Joe feels unable to be himself and is talking less and less with his wife.
None of these differences is about right and wrong. None of the husbands or wives is wrong or unreasonable. Each couple needs to explore the difference. They should discuss how they are and why, and ask each other questions to gain a better understanding.
Understanding the difference and how your spouse is will help. In some situations it’s possible and reasonable for one person to try to be more like the other. Where the difference causes harm, such as talking loud, the loud spouse needs to make a strong effort to change. And the spouse who does not raise their voice needs to offer grace when that fails.
Your spouse is not like you. Often that is a good thing, but sometimes it’s annoying. But it’s always just how they are, not something they are doing to you!
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Tilly, queen of the bed.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 20, 2026 | Seeing Clealry, ThePast
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3YRL7DQ
How we see others is greatly influenced by our past. I know how my perception of Lori was been coloured by my relationships with my mother and my high school girlfriend.
My mother was not a warm, caring person. Additionally, she never told me “well done”. I learned after her death she was worried she’d give me a big head!
When Lori and I got married, I was hungry for physical intimacy. Sure, I wanted sex, but I also desired plenty of non-sexual intimacy. I assume this was because I had not had enough of it growing up. If Lori wasn’t feeling it, that hit the wounds from my mother, which resulted in my feeling more upset than if I’d had that kind of closeness as a kid. I was also hungry for words of affirmation from Lori. And again, a lack of that hit me harder than it should have.
Fortunately, Lori has no problem doing these things most of the time. And as I was less starved for them, it was easier to cope when I didn’t get what I needed.
My high school girlfriend was full of drama and was fairly high maintenance. By the time we split up, I’d had my fill of both those things, and they got added to my hard pass list. Lori is neither high maintenance nor a drama queen. Had I not made an effort to avoid those, any hint of either would have been a major problem for me in marriage.
Your past makes you desperately hungry for some things. And it makes it difficult for you to tolerate other things. Both of these can cause problems in your marriage.
If your spouse fails to provide what you hunger for, your frustration and anger will be greater than it should be. This makes you seem unreasonable. That can cause your spouse to dismiss your complaints. Even if they’re willing to work with you on the issue, your angst from the past makes it more difficult to do so.
If your spouse does something you can’t stand in a very small way, you will see it as far more egregious than it is. You will overreact and make claims that don’t make sense. Again, you seem unreasonable, and you give your spouse reason to dismiss what you say and see it as a you problem.
How do you stop letting the past drive your reactions? Start by noticing when your response is disproportionate. If you’re furious over something small, ask yourself, “Is this really about now? Or is it about the past?” Identify the original wound, and then mentally separate your spouse from the person who caused it.
Your spouse is not to blame for what others did to you in the past. When you allow that past to be part of your relationship, you make problems bigger than they should be. You also make them more difficult to resolve.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is easier when your past stops driving your present.
Been working on the alternating tread stairs for the loft.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 19, 2026 | Seeing Clealry
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3NtZeg8
I want to examine how we see our spouse, and how that impacts our marriages.
As a starting place, on Friday I said early on I didn’t think Lori was doing all she could to make our sex life better. Today I realise that was a very wrong assessment. And while I never said that to her, she probably felt it. Even if she didn’t feel it, my inaccurate belief affected how I treated her, and it hurt our marriage.
My assessment of Lori was based on 1) miscalculating how much what had happened to her had damaged her and 2) overestimating how much she had dealt with it. For years before we married, she wasn’t in a safe place and could not deal with her past. All her energy went to surviving. She put on a brave face, and I wrongly thought that face was very close to the truth.
This is not uncommon. Humans have an amazing capacity to keep going even in horrible circumstances. But every day we do that, it hurts us more. We build up a huge backlog of lies and pain. You can’t deal with that stuff until you feel safe. Lori has often said I gave her a safe place in which to fall apart. I’m glad I did, but I wish I’d had some understanding of what was going to happen. When you drop the brave face, what’s underneath is very broken. As the weight of the truth crushes you, life becomes very difficult. You feel things you have been suppressing, and that makes you feel worse than when you were wearing the mask. It can be crippling.
Lori had warned me she was a mess and I was going to get hurt. I didn’t listen. I gave what I saw too much weight, and greatly misjudged the situation. It was a mistake that hurt us both a great deal, and slowed healing.
Had I seen her truth, I’d have had far more empathy for her. I’d have denied myself far more, and given her far more time and space.
I would have benefited from someone who had been through it to help me. They could have helped me see the truth. They could have told me to back off. And they could have encouraged me when I got despondent. Of course, had I understood the situation better, I’d have been far less likely to get despondent.
~ This is Paul, and seeing your spouse accurately is necessary for Doing Marriage Well.
Dog tug-of-war!
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