by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 20, 2026 | Selfless
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3POu97V
So sex and selfishness. This could be a very long post!
It’s pretty common for a husband and wife to each think the other is sexually selfish. As with other forms of selfishness, a big factor is not understanding what the other spouse wants and needs.
When both spouses can affirm and value the sexual needs of the other, sex is far easier. Please understand that not wanting sex at certain times is a valid need. Likewise for not wanting to ever do certain things sexually.
Wanting to make love with our spouse is a very valid need. It is both healthy and biblical. What’s more, it’s necessary for an emotionally strong marriage. Beyond that, most men can’t feel emotionally connected when sex is too infrequent. For such men, sex is the doorway to emotional connection. High-drive wives feel much the same way.
On the other side, there are times when having sex can be emotionally painful for someone. Past abuse is a big one, and it can suddenly rear up and cause problems. This can happen after not having had a problem for a long time. Not all triggers are obvious, and some don’t always cause issues.
Not having had enough emotional contact with our spouse can make having sex difficult or emotionally harmful. This issue is not limited to women; I’ve talked to men who feel this way. This includes some men whose wives do not feel the same way; she wants sex to reconnect, and he can’t face sex until they reconnect.
Not wanting to engage in specific acts or positions is a valid need. Not wanting to wear certain lingerie or use a sex toy are both valid needs.
These valid needs are often clouded by the stories we tell ourselves about the opposite sex.
Men tell each other that women use sex to manipulate men. Sure, some women do this, but if you buy the lie, you start to see it when it’s not there. You dismiss valid concerns and needs as control. You hurt your wife by pushing her for sex because you think she’s just being selfish, when she is really trying to protect herself.
And women tell each other that men are all selfish pigs about sex. They dismiss the validity of men’s physical and emotional sex drives. Again, there are sexually selfish men. But when you buy the lie that such men are the norm, you see what you expect to see. This wrongs your husband and hurts your marriage.
The answer, again, is communication. The problem, of course, is most couples have a very difficult time talking about sex. Sex puts embarrassment on top of all the emotions of discussing needs. But if you don’t talk about it, it won’t get better, and it will almost certainly get worse. A trained third party is also a challenging thing to face, but for some it’s the way to go.
~ This is Paul, and accepting your spouse’s sexual needs is the first step to Doing Sex Well.
We’ve got deer, yes we do. We’ve got deer; how ’bout you?
We’ve got more, we’ve got more, we’ve got more, we’ve got more, we’ve got more!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 19, 2026 | Selfless
Podcast: https://bit.ly/40HkMt7
We’ve kicked around what selfishness is, what it isn’t, and why a certain degree of it is necessary. With that as groundwork, let’s move on to discussing selfishness in your marriage.
I think you’ll be surprised by what you hear if you talk about this honestly. Your spouse may not consider you selfish in an area where you think you are. Or they may not see it as being nearly as significant as you see it. On the flip side, they may see you being selfish where you don’t think you are.
As already mentioned, part of the equation is perspective. If you value something more than your spouse knows, they may see selfishness where you see a reasonable request. Dealing with such issues will require a lot of discussion about what you each need and why. Talking about how you feel when what you need is in short supply is important. Also identify what needs you feel can and should be met by others, and which you feel should only or primarily be met by your spouse.
As you talk, please understand there is no one-size-fits-all standard for what we need in any area. A woman of childbearing age needs more than twice as much iron in her diet as her husband. If she only gets what he needs, she will have a variety of problems, including fatigue. Mental and emotional needs are the same way. A husband wouldn’t tell an anaemic wife she’s being selfish for needing iron; we shouldn’t do the same with emotional needs. Expecting your spouse to be okay with the level you need for something is wrong and unloving.
Our history often dictates our “emotional metabolism”. Some of the individual variation is due to what we did and didn’t get growing up. An individual who didn’t receive enough touch might have a massive hunger for it when they get married. On the other hand, a serious lack of something growing up may result in denying the need, for both ourselves and others. Thinking “I don’t need that, so you shouldn’t either” is human nature. But it may be dead wrong. What’s more, we may actually need that thing too!
Being denied in the past can cause us to be unwilling to express our needs. As much as it hurts to not have it, asking for it and not getting it is far, far worse. This can lead to pushing our spouses away. Others get upset the need is being ignored by their spouse, even though they have never expressed it or have significantly downplayed it.
Our upbringing can mess us up in other ways too. Overindulged parents can cause us to see every “want” as a “need”. Some of us were programmed by our childhood to be selfish, and as with anything that was normal growing up, it can be very difficult to see this in ourselves.
Then there’s the issue of thinking we don’t deserve something we need. Perhaps we were told this growing up: neglectful parents tell their children they are selfish and too needy. Or we play the “what have I earned” game, thinking we only deserve what we need from our spouse when we have done a satisfactory job of meeting their needs.
As you can see, there are a lot of mental issues and emotional traps regarding this issue. The more honest you are about which of these you have, the better off you will be. First, you have to admit the issues to yourself and then to your spouse. Next, discuss how to work on the things that keep you from feeling and expressing your needs in a healthy way.
As always, if you get stuck, get trained help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires being vulnerable emotionally.
Widget is getting in her (round) laps.
There was ice on the pond a few hours ago. She does not care!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 18, 2026 | Selfless
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4buIkGp
Selfishness is a tricky thing. Lori and I have had spouses complain about their spouse being selfish when what we see is a person unwilling to be essentially a slave. Good, reasonable boundaries are sometimes attacked as being selfish. This is particularly true when someone who has been allowing too much tries to become balanced and healthy.
In marriage, both spouses have needs and desires, and often these are in conflict. She needs to talk, and he is mentally exhausted from a long day of difficult discussions at work. It’s been a week since they have had sex, and he legitimately needs to make love. But she is “touched out” from caring for a colicky baby, and the idea of more touch makes her want to scream.
One thing that makes all this especially messy is that we don’t value emotional needs as we should. We respect a broken leg or being sick. We tend to dismiss being emotionally exhausted, sad, depressed, or feeling distant. We wouldn’t ask a spouse with a broken leg to run a marathon, yet we often expect an emotionally broken spouse to “power through”. When we devalue our spouse’s emotional needs and issues, we balance their and our own needs in a selfish way. When we devalue our own emotional needs and issues, we either give when we should not or feel selfish for not giving when, in fact, we should hold back.
Fear of being selfish can be a horrible thing. If someone labelled you as selfish in the past, that may linger in your mind. Some folks use claims of selfishness as a bludgeon to get what they want. As in any statement that starts with “If you really loved me…”
If you have been abused in that way, you may not be able to accurately judge yourself. Another cause of this problem can be wrong teachings about Christianity. Yes, we are called to be less selfish than the world, but we are still supposed to set limits and engage in self-care. Loving our neighbour as ourself presupposes self-love and care.
There is a healthy form of self-interest, and self-preservation is important. If you don’t know what that looks like, you’re in trouble. If you struggle with this, you need someone you can trust to help you see clearly and find a good balance.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The bed is neutral territory.
Behave, or you leave!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 17, 2026 | Selfless
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Nte8nh
Yesterday I gave caring for a sick spouse as an example of balancing caring for both others and ourselves. It’s actually a fairly easy case, unless your spouse is all drama and demands when they’re sick.
There are plenty of other places where we need to work on this balance in our marriages, and most of them are far trickier. How we spend money can be such an issue. Other examples would be where we eat or what movie or TV show we watch. This can certainly be an issue in the bedroom, which we will discuss on Friday.
It also comes up in our preferences. He wants coffee and breakfast before being exposed to the news, while she wants to listen to a news channel as the coffee brews. She wants it quiet in the evening, while he needs music to feel good.
Some of these things can be easily resolved; both of the examples I gave are solved with headphones or earbuds. Other issues have no simple fix. If she needs to get out of the house with him on the weekend, and he needs to rest from his week, someone is going to have to sacrifice.
What makes all of this so difficult is we have no easy way to judge how much our spouse needs what they want. Is not getting what they desire annoying, or is it soul-crushing? Will a bit of what they want do the job, or do they need a lot of it?
When my wife needed to go to the ER, I didn’t have to measure her “desire”. I didn’t consider asking if she could wait until the next morning. Similarly, if I knew something was critical to her mental health or sense of well-being, I’d be strongly motivated to make it happen. But if I don’t need the same thing for my mental health or only require a fraction of what she needs, I don’t understand how important it is for her. If I say no because I’m tired, you could say I’m being selfish. But if I can’t judge the need accurately, am I really being selfish?
The only solution here is a lot of very honest, vulnerable conversation. Talk about what you need, why you need it, and how you feel when you don’t get it. Try to rank various needs if you can. Talk about times and situations when a need is stronger. Don’t fudge; give the real truth. If you don’t speak up, your spouse won’t know what you need, and it will be your fault.
This is not a one-time conversation. Your needs will change as your life changes. Additionally, you may initially misjudge how important some things are.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that talking helps us Do Marriage Well.
Widget with her favourite toy. It can be used for both keep-away and chasing.
Best of all, it squeaks. When she wants to play, she walks around squeezing it gently, going squeak, squeak, squeak.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 16, 2026 | Selfless
Podcast: https://bit.ly/417V4xW
This week let’s talk about selfishness and not being selfish.
I was going to use the word “selfless”, but that’s not quite right. The first definition I found for “selfless” was “acting with little or no concern for oneself, focusing instead on the needs, welfare, and happiness of others.” Another said, “having no concern for self”.
Can we agree having no concern for ourselves is not healthy? Such a person would be a mess. And they would be taken advantage of by a lot of people.
Jesus was not selfless. He pulled away by Himself on more than one occasion. In particular, He sought solitude when He heard his cousin, John the Baptist, had been executed. And He took a nap in a boat while His disciples were freaking out.
Then we have Mark 6, where Jesus sent the twelve out two by two. When they returned, Jesus said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” They had been very busy for a season, and now Jesus wanted them to rest and recover. He was teaching them a vital balance.
I am thinking of this topic because I’ve been caring for my wife for about two weeks. She got the flu and recovered, but then her condition worsened. Friday night, I took her to the ER as she could barely stand. Turns out her potassium levels were low, which will leave you weak. They gave her potassium and sent her home. She is doing better now, but it’s going to take some time for her to get back to normal.
When she said she needed to go to the ER, of course I got her there. It was an emergency, and it was appropriate for me to focus entirely on her needs at that moment. But I’ve also done palliative care. We cared for my mom in her home the last nine months of her life. So I know that even in such a situation, we must take care of ourselves. We can’t just keep going 24/7 because God didn’t make us to be able to do that. When we pass our limit, we hurt ourselves both physically and emotionally.
But where is our limit? How do we know? What do we do when we hit that limit? And how do we balance our valid needs with the needs of others, and especially our spouse? I want to discuss that the rest of the week. We need to find the balance between caring for ourselves and caring for others. This is a common thread in our marriages, in both small and big ways.
~ This is Paul, and self-care is critical if we want to Do Marriage Well.
Turns out yams, which both Lori and I enjoy, are very high in potassium.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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