by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 26, 2025 | Sex Problems
Podcast: https://bit.ly/40xxwTy
Porn is everywhere, and erotica makes it to the top of the New York Times bestseller list. We are awash in twisted versions of sexuality that have little or nothing to do with how real people want or have sex.
This is no longer a just male problem. The best estimates for Christians say 75% of men and 45% of women are regularly viewing porn. If we include erotic literature, the number of women moves well past fifty percent.
The reality of those numbers is there are plenty of church going couples where both are using sexually arousing media. While some do that together, which is bad, most are hiding it from each other, which is even worse.
Yes, all of this is contrary to what God wants from us, AKA sin. But most of the folks doing it know that, so that information alone is not dealing with the issue.
What worries me about this is how it erodes a couple’s marriage. Not their sex life, although it certainly does that; it damages their marriage. It creates a longing for someone different. It pulls the viewer or reader to an unreal type of person who does not, and usually could not, exist.
Watching others have sex, or reading about the same, is not just cheating sexually. It creates emotions for an unreal person, emotions you should only have for your spouse. It draws you away from your spouse and your marriage.
One of the big challenges with this is that much of the church ignore it. We deny how common it is, and act shocked or offended if someone confesses they struggle with it. So we keep our sin secret, which makes it far more difficult to get free. But there are solid resources for believers who want to get free.
For men, I suggest Be Broken. And for women, SheRecovery.com. I know the founders of both of these ministries, and feel they do a far better job than most.
Porn and erotica are enticing. Falling into its grasp is understandable. But allowing it to tear at your marriage is unacceptable. Fight back!
~ This is Paul, and porn is NOT Doing Sex Well.
We got beans!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 25, 2025 | Sex Problems
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3UBcC29
Sex need not end as we age. There are couples in their sixties and seventies still having regular sex. And many of these folks say they are having the best sex of their lives.
Menopause should not end sex. When it does, it usually means the woman had not been enjoying sex and was looking for an excuse to stop. Besides, there is a growing awareness that regular sex can reduce menopause symptoms. And we’ve heard from women who said sex was better after menopause.
Menopause can create some speed bumps. Hormone replacement therapy can make a big difference. Topical estrogen applied to the vulva can keep the tissues healthy and keep lubrication going. An artificial lubricant can also be used.
The secrets to great sex as we age are attitude and a willingness to make changes as needed.
Nighttime sex is not the best choice for older couples. His erections will be better in the morning, and they will both have better energy earlier in the day. I talked to one senior man who said he and his wife have sex after breakfast every morning. Other couples have found an afternoon nap may not involve sleep.
You may have to find a new position to accommodate mobility. Or perhaps what used to be seen as foreplay is now the main event. If hand strength is an issue, a vibrator, or a male stroker might be a great addition to your sex life. Some older couples have realised that sex need not include orgasm for either spouse to still be great sex. Other couples enjoy masturbating together.
Sex is not just for the young. Sex is for any couple who wants to enjoy the special intimacy that only sex can provide. If you both want to keep being sexual, you can find a way.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well looks different at different ages.
Our bag of mixed dahlia had a red. And I see buds for pink.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 24, 2025 | Sex Problems
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4f0hCa1
Every man has times he does not get erect as fast or as fully as he wants. When not getting hard enough for intercourse becomes the norm, that’s a problem.
The good news is there are ways to make any penis erect. The bad news is what’s causing the problem could be life-threatening. So go tell your doctor about the issue, and get checked. No, really, do it. Dead men have no sex. Your doctor can also help with solutions.
Drugs are a common choice for dealing with ED. Be aware Viagra® and other such drugs don’t make you erect, they simply allow you to get erect normally. So you will need to do what ever you did before.
Both Viagra® and Cialis® are now available in generic versions that cost far less, and Amazon Pharmacy has great prices. Note that Viagra® requires time to work, and only lasts a short time. Cialis® is good for up to 36 hours, so if you take one daily, you can have sex when you like.
A simple solution if you have weak erections, or get hard and then soften during sex, is a penis ring. A penis pump will give you an erection if you have a heart beat, with a ring being used to keep you hard. However, such an erection hinges where it meets the body. Some men find this annoying, some have no issue with it. With a bit of practice, you can have intercourse just fine with a pump created erection.
Beyond getting an erection, you can have mutually satisfying sex without one. Oral sex works well on a soft penis, as will manual with some practice. And a strong vibe will get any guy there.
No guy looks forward to ED, but it’s neither life ending nor sex life ending. Accept it as a medical condition, deal with it, and keep enjoying sex together.
~ This is Paul, sometimes Doing Sex Well requires a bit of help.
A view of our community garden in the morning. We have corn, beans, potatoes, carrots, onions, and garlic for the people, plus sunflowers and amaranth for the animals.
The blue chair is Lori’s favourite place to be.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 23, 2025 | Sex Problems
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4eYAmGU
I was going to cover both premature ejaculation and erectile difficulty today. But it made for a massive post, so I will do it as two posts, and add a Saturday post this week.
Premature ejaculation, or PE, is generally defined as always climaxing within a minute of the start of intercourse. Only lasting a couple of minutes, or sometimes taking less than a minute, are not PE, and can be dealt with by learning more self-control. And/or by having sex more often as infrequent sex will make any guy faster.
PE is probably genetic. Men with PE show differences in the brain, especially areas involved in sexual response, emotion, and cognitive control. In other words, he can’t help it, and he can’t will it away.
The various treatments for PE add a couple of minutes to how long a man lasts. It may not be long enough for her to climax, but it allows the couple to enjoy a few minutes of intercourse. If he can stay hard after climax, that may be enough for her. Or, if they put a vibe between their bodies, that can help her climax after he does.
Off label prescriptions of SSRI’s are one option. Talk to your doctor. Dapoxetine is a common choice as it has a short half life and few side effects. A numbing cream can add about the same duration. I’ve heard good things about Promescent. Several studies have shown similar time gains when men do pelvic floor exercises.
The real challenge with PE is how a couple deals with it. If you both accept this is what you have to work with, and look for ways to make sex great, you will do fine. Getting upset or blaming will hurt your sex life and your marriage.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that sex looks different for every couple.
This is why sunset is my favourite colour!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 22, 2025 | Sex Problems
Podcast: https://bit.ly/410F6Gi
Lack of desire and mismatches in sexual desire are probably the most common sexual complaints in marriages. One spouse has no interest, or has far less interest than the other. And so they argue. One is upset by the lack of sex, the other is tired of being pushed for sex.
I’ve avoided genders here because it’s far more common than most folks know for the “higher drive” spouse to be the wife. Experts suggest that may be the case in more than a quarter of marriages.
I’m going to suggest that a lack of desire isn’t really a problem. Or, at least, it shouldn’t be.
Sexual desire is great. That longing to be intimate, that pull to be sexual, is wonderful. It’s also unnecessary for a great sex life.
Sex is an amazing thing that gives us physical, emotional, mental, and relational pleasure. Even better, we get to share all that with the person we love most.
A sex drive invites us to experience all that pleasure, but we don’t have to feel an urge for sex to have it and enjoy it. We can choose to engage in sex because we know we will enjoy it once we start. If our spouse knows how to arouse us, their desire for sex is enough. If you know how to arouse each other, you don’t need any desire. You could just decide to have sex because you know you will both enjoy it. What could be more romantic than deciding to enjoy each other?
I think most of the arguing about sex is actually about control. We’ve been told we need to say no unless we’re also hot for sex. We’ve been warned about being “used”. We’ve even been told we are allowing ourselves to be abused if we don’t push back against our spouse’s desire to enjoy sex regularly. I think these are lies of the enemy intended to keep us frustrated and to hurt our marriages. And I hate that so many people accept those lies as wisdom.
I realise this will be seen as a radical idea. Personally I find it simple, logical, and biblical.
Of course, this won’t work if one of you is always tired or stressed. But that’s a life and marriage problem that has nothing to do with sex. It won’t work if your marriage is a mess, but that’s something you should be working on. And it won’t work if your spouse doesn’t know how to turn you on. But you can teach them that.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well might require a change of perspective.
BTW, if you are a higher drive wife, I highly recommend J Parker’s book The Higher Desire Wife: Understanding and Help for Christian Women Navigating Mismatched Sex Drives
Our (adopted) granddaughter joined Lori in the garden the other day.
She is all about the garden, and is learning to spread mulch.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 21, 2025 | Sex Problems
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3TLPVrX
I’m going to talk about sexual problems all this week. Some of you think that’s great, and some of you are thinking of skipping the week. I’ve had folks complain I make everything about sex. In fact, I’m doing that much less with this blog than with my past blogs.
Still, sex is a part of marriage, and a healthy happy marriage requires a healthy, happy sex life. Sexual issues are a major factor in marriage dissatisfaction, and they play a part in many divorces. So it’s something we need to discuss if we want to Do Marriage Well.
Part of the difficulty is our society is weird about sex. We both exaggerate and downplay sex. We are obsessed, and fearful, often at the same time.
The church is even worse. It’s getting better, but we still have an unbiblical relationship with sex.
Because of this, Christians don’t always get help when sex isn’t working right. Lori and I have dealt with couples who suffered for years when a very simple change was all they needed. This always makes me sad, and I feel an obligation to do what I can to prevent others from similar struggles.
So this week we will talk about ED and PE. We will discuss desire issues and the inability to orgasm when you want to. We will talk about how age and menopause change sex, and how porn and erotica can derail sex.
If you don’t have any of these issues, great. I suggest you still read along so you have a head start if any of them crop up down the road.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is not always as easy as we’d like.
Saturday was tree day at our place. In addition to four small dead trees, we took out three living ones that threatened homes. The one in this image that is about to hit the ground was looming over my house.
It’s hard work, but with three guys, two chain saws, and a tractor, it’s not too bad.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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