by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 3, 2026 | Sound Relationships
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3SG7GeU
We have scripts we follow when we have sex, and many of us only use one or two scripts. The most common is foreplay, moving to intercourse, and then thrusting until both spouses climax. If she doesn’t orgasm from intercourse, he takes care of her in some other way before or after. Roll over, go to sleep, and repeat next time.
There is nothing wrong with this script, provided it works well for both husband and wife.
The reality is there are a lot of couples where the husband is having good or great sex, and the wife is having okay or poor sex. And often the guy has no idea his wife is not enjoying it nearly as much as he is – because she has never told him that their sex script is not doing it for her.
Many women come into marriage with no real idea what would make sex good for them. This could be from inexperience, but it also happens when the woman has had one or more partners. Non-married sex is not usually great for women.
So a couple gets married, and they follow the man’s sex script because it’s the only one on the table. The woman may assume it’s her fault it’s not working for her. If she doesn’t blame herself, she may not speak up out of fear or embarrassment. Besides, he is clearly enjoying it, and she doesn’t want to mess that up.
If you’re a husband, please assume your current sex script is not as good for your wife as it is for you. If you’re a wife and sex is falling short, please speak up. I’ve talked to a lot of men about sex, and the vast majority would want to know if she were not getting as much enjoyment out of sex as he is.
Once you know the current script is not ideal, it’s time to try some new scripts. Below are a few ideas to get you thinking:
- Use two positions. A study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found women who normally use more than one position report significantly higher levels of sexual satisfaction and relationship passion. As most men are done once they climax, begin with what works for her and then switch after she climaxes.
- Take turns. Using hands, mouth, toys, and/or intercourse as desired, focus on one spouse until they orgasm. Then focus on the other spouse. If he tends to fall asleep after he climaxes, she should orgasm first. If he can continue, try both ways.
- Masturbate together. Some folks love doing this; some have no use for it. But you won’t know until you try it. If you lie head to feet, you can watch each other.
- Stop short. Orgasm is great, but not every sex act has to end with orgasms. You can touch and enjoy each other sexually without getting so worked up you have to climax. This is a great way to have sex more often. Note: This won’t work for most younger men, but as we age, we can enjoy fondling or even penetration for what it offers with and sometimes without orgasm.
If your script is not resulting in great sex for both of you, it’s time to get a new script.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well requires the right script.
And now the daliahs are blooming.
Flowers are one of God’s gifts to us.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 2, 2026 | Sound Relationships
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4y287Al
Sean’s third question in his sermon was, “Have you gathered people around a ‘cause of hurt’? Using your hurt to draw others to your cause through shared trauma.”
There is nothing wrong with seeking those who have been hurt the same way you have. It can be a good way to find healing. But it can also be a way to wallow and become bitter.
In the 2nd Samuel passage, Absalom creates a following by being publicly available and becoming identified with the hurts of others. He looked for those who had an axe to grind with his father and built a rebellion on their backs.
It is far too common for a man or woman unhappy with their spouse to seek others with similar frustrations in their marriages. Rather than suggesting other ways to see what happened, they attack the other spouse. Rather than pointing out things their friend did wrong, they absolve them of all responsibility. Rather than encouraging each other to grow, they attack the spouses who are not there to share their side. This dynamic is especially dangerous when some members of the group are divorced and still angry.
We want to hear it’s not us. We want to be told our spouse was wrong and treated us horribly. And it’s easy to find people who will do those things. These people take everything we say as one hundred percent accurate and true. They paint our marriage with their own pain and help us play the victim.
But as much as this makes us feel better, it’s not what we need. And it’s not the kind of counsel the Bible tells us to seek. If your friend or group never questions your actions or assumptions, they don’t love you, and they’re dangerous for your marriage. A truly loving friend will hold your hand while you cry, but then ask, ‘What was your part in this?’
Even if your spouse is way out of line, you’re not perfect. Spending time with folks who pump up your pain, excuse what you do wrong, and justify you not doing the hard work to fix your marriage is a really bad plan.
Are you seeking or hanging with people who see your spouse as bad? Are you doing that for a friend? Ask yourself what Jesus would say if He were part of your marriage gripe fests.
~ This is Paul, and seeing clearly helps us Do Marriage Well.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 1, 2026 | Sound Relationships
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fd95Co
We continue to look at having a healthy marriage relationship based on a sermon about King David and his son Absalom.
Sean’s second question: “In the last two weeks, have you used a spiritual activity to justify not addressing a real issue in your marriage? For example, saying, ‘I’m praying about it’, when what I really mean is, ‘I’m delaying the apology I don’t think I have to offer.’”
Apologies should be common and easy. When they are not, why aren’t they? Is it pride? Are you afraid that if you apologise, you will have to deal with what you did? Do you think apologising means admitting you were wrong?
If my words or actions hurt my wife, then she was hurt. My not intending to hurt her does not change the fact she was hurt. My not understanding why she feels hurt does not end her hurt. But sincerely apologising and asking for forgiveness will make her feel better. With that done, it’s far easier to discuss the issue. We can work on me understanding why she felt hurt and on her understanding what I intended.
An apology is simply an acknowledgement of injury. It is not an admission of doing someting wrong. But sometimes an apology does need to be followed by a change on the part of the one apologising.
Delayed apologies are one way we hide behind spirituality. Throwing ourselves into church ministry when there is still a lot of ministry needed in our marriage is another. It’s nice to have folks at church think you are loving and giving, but if your spouse doesn’t feel that way, you’re missing it big time.
When Paul wrote to Timothy about the qualifications for elders, he made it clear they must be good husbands and fathers first. If you’re not caring for your family, you’re not qualified to minister to others!
Loving our spouse can be difficult. It’s far easier to go love the homeless. Or people in India. And I’ve known people who did those things while failing as a spouse. Some minister downtown or halfway around the world to avoid their spouse! God is neither fooled nor impressed by such activity.
Peter suggests that God ignores the prayers of husbands who fail to love their wives as they should. (1 Peter 3:7) And Jesus condemned those who told their parents they could not help them because they had dedicated their money to God. (Matthew 15:3-9) Apparently how we treat those closest to us is a big deal to God!
So ask yourself, are you using ministry or God to avoid problems with your spouse?
~ This is Paul, and apologising is part of Doing Marriage Well.
One guess as to which pig is in charge.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 30, 2026 | Sound Relationships
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Re1fzf
In his sermon, Sean asked three questions. I am rephrasing them to make them just about marriage, but they apply to any close relationship. Today the first question
“Ask yourself if, in the last 2 weeks, have you emotionally checked out of your marriage under the guise of protecting it, becoming passive or non-responsive to your spouse.”
A specific example Sean gave is excellent:
“For example, wives washing their hands of their husbands’ decisions. I’ve heard many Christian women say some version of ‘It’s his decision; I’m just the wife and I’m just submitting to his leadership in the home.’ This pretends that God appointed you as that man’s wife to do whatever he says while withholding your wisdom, courage, concern, and honest counsel. Our role as husband and wife is to represent Christ’s relationship with the Church, which is marked by servanthood, longsuffering, and a lifetime of care.”
Another version of this one is disengaging to “protect their feelings”. If what you think would hurt their feelings is the truth, then your spouse needs to hear it. If you can’t share it in love, that’s your failing and has nothing to do with them.
Usually we do this just to avoid a fight. If it’s a fight you’ve had over and over, then you need to get some third-party help with it. If it’s a fight you’ve never had, or stopped having a good while ago, then you need to deal with it. Avoiding the truth to avoid hurt feelings is neither loving nor biblical.
Avoiding a conversation by saying, ‘I can’t talk about this with you.’ is also unacceptable. ‘I can’t talk about it now‘, or ‘I need some time to think about it before we talk‘ are fine, as long as you come back around to it. Communication is the lifeblood of relationships, and cutting communication off in the name of protecting the relationship is contrary to that truth.
Going back to the passage, King David’s refusal to engage cost him and those around him a great deal. Among other things, it cost him the lives of the sons he refused to engage. Refusing to engage with your spouse will harm your marriage, and it could lead to its death.
Ask yourself, have you emotionally checked out of your marriage in any way? Are there conversations you have avoided that you need to have?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires engaging your spouse.
The first daylily!
With many more to come.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 29, 2026 | Sound Relationships
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4g7VJbD
I’m borrowing some brilliant insights this week from my friend, fellow marriage coach, and fellow elder Sean. On Sunday Sean preached on 2 Samuel 15:1-12. He used it to talk about dysfunctional families and marriages. I only yelled “Amen” once, but I was right with him on everything he said. (You can watch the sermon, if you like.)
The passage talks about how Absalom starts to build a rebellion against his father David’s rule as king. David and Absalom had a dysfunctional relationship of epic proportions, and we can learn what not to do from them.
The problems started when Amnon, David’s firstborn son, became obsessed with his half-sister Tamar, eventually raping her. Absalom, third-born son and full brother of Tamar, took care of her. But David did nothing. No justice. No consequences. David failed both as a father and king by ignoring the crime.
Two years later, Absalom invited all the king’s sons to a sheep-shearing celebration and had Amnon killed when he was drunk. Absalom then fled to his maternal grandfather’s kingdom of Geshur – where he stayed for three years. Joab uses deception to get David to agree to let Absalom come home, but David refuses to see his son. Based on the law, both Amnon and Absalom should have been put to death for their actions. But David refused to take action.
Ignoring problems does not make them go away. Neither does it usually lessen them. Usually ignored problems grow. The hurt becomes stronger over time. Others are pulled in, either because they see injustice or because they care about the person who has been mistreated. Absalom had his brother killed because David ignored Amnon’s crime. And in time Absalom tried to overthrow his father’s kingdom because David avoided him.
Odds are none of your family relations are as horrific as Absalom’s. But probably some wrongs done to you have been ignored or downplayed, and that has led to injuries and resentment and may have resulted in strained or broken relationships. If you have children, you have on occasion failed to deal with things as you should have, leaving injury and resentment and possibly damage to your relationship.
Before I focus on marriage the rest of the week, I want to encourage you to think about your relationships with your family. Are there issues that should be addressed? Is there a relationship that needs to be repaired? Whether you are the victim or the one who failed, please make an effort to fix things. Problems with parents or kids hurt everyone involved and harm our marriages. Set aside your pride and make an effort.
~ This is Paul, and healthy family relationships make Doing Marriage Well easier.
It is once again turtle walkabout season.
It comes with a lot of barking from the dogs.
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