by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 6, 2025 | Survey Says
The fifth-biggest issue in our survey was “Sex Feels One-sided”. Nineteen percent of women and 30% of men saw this as a major issue in their marriage. Only eight percent of men, and one woman, thought the issue could end their marriage.
This issue tends to be different for men and women who experience it. The reverse of each may exist, but they are rare.
HER:
When women say sex feels one-sided, they mean he is enjoying it and they’re not. It’s possible the husband is just selfish, but honestly, this is not common in a Christian marriage.
Some men and women, think sex is just for, or primarily for, men. In fact, a recent study found most women today feel this to some extent. One thing that plays into this is the half-truth that women can enjoy sex without orgasm. I call that a half-truth because while some women do SOMETIMES enjoy having sex without climax, other women feel frustrated, cheated, and unloved when they don’t orgasm.
Another cause of one-sided sex for the guy is history. Early on, she struggled with sex. She could not climax, or felt it took too long, or feared he was upset by the effort. So she focused on sex for him, and it became their habit.
Wife, is you want sex to be better for you, speak up. Don’t assume hubby knows and is selfish. Assume he is unaware. Don’t attack or blame him, tell him you want sex to be more and talk about how to make that happen.
HIM:
When a man says sex feels one-sided, he is unhappy that it seems to just be for him. She may or may not climax, but she never seems to want or enjoy sex. She goes along, usually with no passion or real involvement. “If you don’t take too long” is not something any man wants to hear when he seeks sex!
This feeling can be real or perceived. If you enjoy sex but don’t tell him that, he may fear the worst. He needs you to tell him, during and outside of sex, that you enjoy making love with him. He wants you to thank him for your orgasms, and let him know when it’s especially good.
When a man feels sex is one-sided, it’s far less enjoyable for him. Many men stop accepting “just for you” offers because while it deals with their physical need, it leaves them feeling even worse emotionally.
Bottom Line:
No one wants or enjoys one-sided sex. It’s an unhealthy activity that hurts a marriage.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well means you both enjoy it.
The grandkid’s cat had kittens.
Lori wants them all.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 5, 2025 | Survey Says
The third-biggest problem in our survey was a lack of sexual variety. Forty-seven percent of men and 19% of women listed this as a significant problem in their marriage. Ten percent of men and half as many women said the issue threatened to end their marriage.
Complaints about variety don’t generally mean “I want something different every time.” Usually it means, “I want something different from what we do every time.
When a woman wants “more variety” it often means what the couple is doing isn’t working for her. Either she doesn’t climax, or she struggles to do so. With age, this can also be an issue for men. As bodies change, what worked for decades may no longer be what’s needed.
For men seeking variety, it’s more likely an issue of boredom, or not doing something he strongly desires. It may also be an attempt to deal with a lack of frequency.
Variety can be a tricky issue. If it doesn’t involve others, which includes porn, and doesn’t cause harm, it’s probably not sin. But if your spouse finds it gross, uncomfortable, or a turn-off, expecting them to do it is unreasonable. On the other hand, if your opposition to something is in your mind, the loving thing is to try and get past that.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well can run into our preferences
“Can I rejoin the pack?”
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 4, 2025 | Survey Says
Lack of non-sexual intimacy was number two in the What’s Hurting Your Marriage? results. The other three in the top four were all about sex. I’ll cover them one a day for the rest of the week.
Sexual Frequency slightly beat out non-sexual intimacy for the biggest problem. Twenty-seven percent of the women, and 47% of the men, rated it as seven or higher on a scale of 0-10. Ten percent of men, and seven percent of women, said the problem would end their marriage if it continued.
What makes this interesting is the age of our respondents. This is not just a problem for young men with strong sex drives.
One part of this is that sex is not just about sex. Sure, you seek it when your drive is driving you crazy, but it’s not just a physical act that we seek for physical pleasure and release. Sex is deeply intimate. It connects us in a way nothing else can.
Women who are not having the amount of sex they want, express the same feeling and misery men share. They feel unloved, cheated, and denied. They question how a man who says he loves them can do this to them.
If your spouse is demanding daily sex, that’s unreasonable. If they want sex at least every other day, that’s reasonable under normal circumstances. If you fail to meet their reasonable desire, then you are the one being unreasonable.
If you want less sex than your spouse, please find a way to accommodate them. That can be your hand, your mouth, a sex toy, or intercourse just for them. It’s the loving thing to do!
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well means meeting reasonable desires.
Yes, you can freeze dry dandelion flowers.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 3, 2025 | Survey Says
More results from our What’s Hurting Your Marriage? survey. Today, health and elder care.
Due to the age of most of our respondents, these two were higher than they would be for marriages in general. But both are things most couples will face at some point, so well worth some discussion.
It’s all well and good to promise to stay together in sickness and health when you’re twenty-something. Decades later, the reality of that can hit us hard. A major surgery disrupts your lives, even if there are no long term negative effects. Other things result in permanent limitations or changes.
When your spouse can no longer do what they have always done, you get to grow in sacrifice and service. I think it’s right and helpful to mourn what you’ve lost. But you don’t want to beat up your spouse with that, so a good friend would be a better choice.
Support groups can be amazing. Not just for the one who is dealing with whatever, but for their spouse. There are groups online that can provide this for you. Your goal is to have the best marriage you can, given the new normal, and others in your situation will have ideas that can help.
Caring for ageing parents can be a significant challenge. Lori and I did our share of that, including moving into my mom’s home to care for her the last nine months of her life. I think we have a responsibility to do this, HOWEVER that must be balanced with our other responsibilities.
If caring for a parent destroys your marriage or harms your children, you need to make a different choice. It’s a big mistake for one spouse to spend a great deal of time away from home and family to go be with mom or dad. Short stints, yes. End of life, sure. Month after month? No. Every weekend? Also no. My mother was local. I was able to keep working, and our son was with us. It was hard, but it didn’t do long term harm to our marriage or our son.
After my mom was gone, we told Lori’s mom we would care for her if she needed it, but she would have to move to us. It was a right and good boundary, and I think we were wise to discuss it before there was any need. Ultimately, Lori’s sister stepped up.
If you have siblings, you need to discuss caring for mom and dad well before it’s needed. Be on the same page. Decide what everyone can reasonably do. Be ready to get them live in help, or move them as needed. Have a plan to care for them without destroying your life.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well is sometimes hard work.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 2, 2025 | Survey Says
So, time for results on the What’s Hurting Your Marriage? survey. We had slightly more men than women answer. Almost half were 55 or older, with only 5% being under 35. And most were very serious about their faith.
Only a few things stood out as being major problems. Those were:
- Lack of non-sexual intimacy
- Sexual Frequency
- Sexual Variety
- Sex Feels One-sided
- Health issues
- Caring for ageing parents
The last two came from the “other” box.
Today I want to address a lack of non-sexual intimacy. First, let’s dispel the idea that this is a female complaint. While just over a third of women rated this as a major problem (7-10 on a scale of 0-10), half of the men said the same. Eight percent of both men and women said their marriage would not survive if the lack of non-sexual intimacy continues. Yes, marriages end, in divorce or by becoming roommates, due to a lack of non-sexual intimacy.
Non-sexual intimacy is the lifeblood of a marriage. It’s also a necessary foundation for a good sex life. It’s not something a marriage outgrows. But we can get lazy or develop bad habits.
I suspect one big reason for a loss of intimacy is couples not going to bed and waking up together. Starting the day with a long snuggle sets the mood for the day. Ending the day side by side in bed is a great way to go to sleep.
Make non-sexual bed contact a priority. Set the alarm a bit earlier so you don’t have to jump out of bed the moment it goes off. Your marriage needs those ten minutes more than you need them for sleep!
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
PURPLE!
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