by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 4, 2025 | Tipping Points
Our original tipping point post was made by my wife, thirteen years ago. In Tip Me Over, she talked about all the things from her childhood and early adult years that made sex a problem for her. Because she was intentional about becoming sexually healthy, “Over the years I learned not to fear sex and then even to enjoy it some. It was still a struggle at times, but it was getting better and better and I figured it would keep on that way.”
Then, as she put it, “something happened” and “sex became easy, fun and very good, almost like someone flipped a switch.” She had reached a tipping point. The “something” that had happened was actually a great many somethings that finally outweighed the mass of negative sexual stuff she’d had dumped on her.
On The Marriage Bed forum, it has been called a sexual awakening. It’s not a bad description, but it misses the years of effort behind that “sudden change”. Sex is like anything else in our marriages; changes are slow, and are usually the result of a tipping point. Getting there takes a steady stream of removing bad and/or adding good.
The same thing is going to be true for getting free of porn. Not looking is a great step, but it’s only the start. Your mind is still filled with what you saw, and it will affect what you think and desire. You can guard against acting on those things, but they will still be there. It gets better slowly, and then “suddenly” a tipping point, and it all changes.
No longer viewing porn, and choosing not to think about what you saw, is only half of it. You have to build good sexual experiences to offset the bad stuff. As the amount of good grows, a tipping point becomes inevitable.
~ This is Paul, and tipping points are important for a healthy sex life.
Still working on the irrigation system.
Not sure about the pink bird looking on. I don’t think that’s local.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 3, 2025 | Tipping Points
As I have already said, relationship tipping points can lead to good or bad things. Learning to cause good tipping points is a powerful marriage tool.
One good way to use this is to offset years or decades of negative messages your spouse received from their family or friends. In this case, you didn’t put the rocks on the downside of the balance beam, which means you can’t remove them. But you can steadily put rocks on the other side until it changes the balance.
If your wife was repeatedly told she was stupid growing up, telling her in multiples ways, as often possible, that she is smart will eventually make a change.
If your husband was told men are monsters over and over growing up, telling him is wonderful and safe won’t fix that overnight. But keep doing it, especially in front of others, and you will eventually see him tip over.
These things were built over years, with many rocks on the wrong side. So it will take years to add enough rocks to the good side to make a change. It can be discouraging because you can’t tell how close the tipping point is, but stick with it.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that building your spouse up is Doing Marriage VERY Well.
A picture of Snoqualmie Falls I took on the way to the Tulip festival back in April.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 2, 2025 | Tipping Points
Given how difficult it can be to reverse a relational tipping point, wisdom suggests we should try to catch a situation before it tips.
More than once, Lori and I have dealt with a couple where one had reached a tipping point, and no longer cared about their marriage. They were done, and there was no changing their mind. If their spouse suddenly became all they had always wanted, it would not matter; not even if they thought the change was real and permanent.
Part of the reason people are blind sided by such things is the very wrong idea that receiving no complaints from your spouse means everything is okay. When some behaviour continues despite being addressed multiple times, most people eventually stop mentioning it. That does not mean it’s suddenly okay. Rather, it is the result of resignation. The next step is trying to live with it. If that fails, all that is left is divorce or living as roommates.
If your spouse stops complaining about something, that is a HUGE red flag. It means you could be on the verge of a tipping point that will significantly hurt or end your marriage.
~ This is Paul, warning you that “no news” can very bad news.
I’ve been working on the watering system for the community garden.
Beats watering the weeds!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 1, 2025 | Tipping Points
If you want to move a balance beam scale, you either add weight to the side that is up, or remove weight from the side that is down. The same is generally true with tipping points in relationships, but it’s not always as simple as it would be for a physical scale.
There are some things you can’t remove. Or should not. For example, your job may be a source of frustration in your marriage, but you have to pay the bills. You might be able to make things better by a job change, but that can take time. Or perhaps you need to simplify your life so you can get by on less income before you change jobs. Again, this will take time.
If you can’t remove the things causing problems, then you have to add good things. Possibly, a great many good things.
As I said yesterday, relational tipping points usually can’t be easily or quickly reversed. This is because relational tipping points have an emotional impact on us.
If it’s a good change, we will continue to feel good, even if there is a short term loss of some of what brought about the change.
And if it’s a bad change, we will not be effected by even a substantial addition to the “good” side of balance. The mechanism here is the loss of good will and the benefit of the doubt. These things were weights on the “good” side. When the tipping point was reached, those things were removed from the balance by your spouse. And getting those things put back on is difficult and won’t happen quickly.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
We added dahlias to our bulb and tuber garden, and have our first bloom.
We will have to lift the tubers for winter, as it’s too cold here for them. But I think it’s worth the effort.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 30, 2025 | Tipping Points
I want to talk about marriage Tipping Points this week.
If you put a big rock on one side of a balance scale, and then start to add pebbles one at a time to the other side, eventually one single pebble will cause the pebble side to drop as the rock rises. There’s nothing special about that last pebble. It might well be smaller than most of the rest. And had you not added any of the other pebbles before it, that one would not have made a change.
It’s the sum of the pebbles that makes the change!
Tipping points in relationships are the same way. A number of small words or actions pile up until one causes a huge change, for good or bad. It might usher in a much better marriage. It might threaten to end the marriage. Or anything in between. And unlike our rock example, relationship tipping points are not easily reversed by removing one small thing.
The problem is we don’t see all the little things piling up. We see the big change, and we tend to attribute it to something very recent.
If it’s a bad change, we focus on that one rude thing we said or unloving thing we did, rather than the sum of such words or actions. We try to deal with that one thing, which in and of itself means virtually nothing. We waste valuable time focused on something that won’t change the situation.
If the change is good, it’s tempting to think we have found the magic word or action that makes our spouse happy, or agreeable, or less of something we dislike. And again, what we are focusing on is one small part of the whole, and it’s the whole that caused the change.
~ This is Paul, saying that tipping points can cause massive changes.
So Widget dreams of being a shield maiden of Rohan.
The “Hobbit” on the right edge of the picture is our youngest grandson.
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