by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 7, 2026 | V-Day
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4tlDS57
Okay, guys, if you read along yesterday when I was talking to the ladies, you know what’s coming.
Yes, I had your back. I strongly urged women to do something sexual on Valentine’s Day. Barring illness, injury, or other difficult circumstances, it seems to me like a reasonable thing to expect on a day that is all about love.
That said, I’ve heard women talk about the issue of sex on Valentine’s Day, and I understand why some women have so much trouble with it.
The short version is it feels like, “You would if you loved me.” And that feels as manipulative and selfish in the marriage bed as it did in the backseat of a car. It feels like you’re using the day to get sex, rather than wanting her sexually. I know you don’t mean those things, but if it’s how she feels, it’s how she feels.
A lot of women feel sexually pressured most of the time. That pressure might be self-imposed or imposed by society. If you want more sex, I assure you she knows that even if you never hint about it. If you want more variety, she knows that too. And those things may nag at her even if you don’t.
If sex is difficult for your wife, doing anything for you on Feb 14th will be especially difficult. A simple hand job could be a greater act of love than you will ever know. So, if she makes any effort, please receive it as the gift it is.
If you think I’ve described your wife, then let me suggest you give her the ultimate gift this Valentine’s Day. A day or two before, let her know you don’t expect sex on Valentine’s. Tell her you wouldn’t turn her down, but you won’t feel rejected or unloved if nothing happens. Then tell yourself there won’t be any sex, and move on. A simple note might be a good way to share this gift with your wife – perhaps a more subtle way than the image for this post might suggest.
You may not understand this, and I doubt you can empathise with it. But you can accept it as truth and make a loving choice because you care about your wife. Do be sure to be just as loving and non-sexually intimate as you would be if she’d woken you up with oral sex.
~ This is Paul, and sacrifice is Doing Marriage Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 6, 2026 | V-Day
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4abpgfS
On Wednesday I said there was another reason many men dislike Valentine’s Day. That reason is sex. Or more specifically, not having sex. I’ve heard from a lot of husbands who say it’s been a decade or two since they had sex on Valentine’s Day.
Given it’s a day about romantic love, sex seems like an obvious activity to men. I realise most men feel that way about sex every day, but I don’t think it’s invalid to expect sex as part of the celebration on February 14th.
“Expect” – that word’s the problem, isn’t it? That expectation can make it more difficult to want, have, or enjoy sex. It can feel like a demand, something the woman has to do to prove her love. It’s kind of how a lot of men feel about Valentine’s; they have to do certain things to prove their love!
Tomorrow I will talk to the men about why their expectation of sex, and/or frustration over not having it, is bad for their marriage. But today I want to encourage you to do something sexual on Valentine’s Day if at all possible. If it will bless him and make him feel loved and cared for, isn’t it a good thing to do? Even if it’s a bit difficult?
That said, make it easy for yourself. If being aware he is waiting and worrying will make your day difficult, have sex when you wake up. If you’re up for it, offer him a Valentine’s quickie. Or offer your hand. When he’s done, tell him you love him and hug for a while. Joining him in the shower is another good choice. It’s also an easier way to do oral, if you want to give him that.
Most men’s ultimate V-Day sex would be full sex before going out for dinner. I realise that’s a bigger ask. Do what works for you. Push yourself some for him, but don’t hurt yourself. If you want to climax, you should. And he will enjoy the sex even more if that happens.
If years of pressure have made sex on Valentine’s just too difficult, you could give him a sex coupon or two. It tells him you thought of it and want to bless him. One of our Valentine’s Coupons is perfect for a sexual gift.
~ This is Paul, and Valentine’s Sex looks different for every couple.
This is good for at least half an hour…
I put some peanut butter inside, then force in a hard treat.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 5, 2026 | V-Day
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46x7wud
Valentine’s Day this year is Saturday, February 14th. How important is it to celebrate on that day?
Lori and I didn’t do much on the 14th for the first part of our marriage because it was our daughter’s birthday. There was always a card and a gift, but not much else, as we focused on the girl child.
Often I would take Lori out for a Valentine’s Day meal a few days before or after the 14th. This was fine with her, and it had the added benefit of smaller crowds and possibly lower prices.
How you celebrate is up to you. WHEN you celebrate is up to you. When I say “you”, I mean both of you, as a couple. Talk about what matters, what is nice, and what you find unimportant. If getting all dressed up is important to her, then do that. If Italian is important to him, then do that. You are celebrating your unique love and union, so do what you enjoy.
Not everyone will be okay with celebrating on another day. And that’s fine. One advantage to being okay with celebrating the idea of Valentine’s when it works for you is you can do some interesting things. You could go on a “Valentine’s cruise” in the middle of March. Or celebrate by going to the RV show in January. Or go to the Super Bowl as a shared Valentine’s gift. (GO HAWKS!!) The key is to find something you both genuinely enjoy and make it your shared celebration.
Two other unrelated thoughts:
- For gifts you can’t wrap, we have Valentine’s Coupons you can download and personalise with things such as “breakfast in bed”, “a foot rub”, or “a Saturday hike”.
- If you have children who have children, give them the ultimate Valentine’s gift. Take the grandkids for the night. Toss in money for a nice meal if your finances are better than theirs. You could also bless a young couple at church by providing money for a babysitter and a gift certificate to a nice restaurant.
~ This is Paul, encouraging you to do Valentine’s your way.
It’s time to start seeds!
Onions go in now. Peppers the end of the month.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 4, 2026 | V-Day
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4qje3Qy
Okay ladies, it’s your turn today: let’s talk about Valentine’s Day.
Most men are not as romantic, or as into romance, as most women. I offer that as a fact, not an excuse, but it is a factor.
Some men think Valentine’s Day is all about women, and there’s nothing in it for them. Some see it as a trap because they don’t understand what she wants. Some men say they have no chance of getting it right and have just given up. If she’s going to get upset anyway, why kill yourself?
All of these things are true for some men, but not for most men.
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4qje3Qy
A more common reality is thinking, “I love her every day; why is February 14th so important?” I realise this is a romance-challenged view, but there is some logic to it.
I suspect the real issue for men who do little or nothing is they feel manipulated or pressured. No one likes those things, and it’s human nature to push back when we feel them.
Odds are your guy’s feelings about Valentine’s predate your relationship. There are gender-based expectations and fears about Valentine’s, and those may be why hubby does what he does. Or doesn’t do what he doesn’t do.
You probably read my urging men to make an effort. I’m going to urge you to offer grace. If he makes an effort, receive whatever with kindness. You could also be proactive – have a discussion now. Ask him how he feels about Valentine’s and why. Tell him it would be nice to get some recognition from him on a day that celebrates love. You could say, “I don’t need a dozen roses and an expensive dinner out, but a card and a few chocolates would be nice.” Show him you have reasonable expectations, and see what happens.
There is one other reason many men dislike Valentine’s. I’ll talk about that on Friday.
~ This is Paul, and doing Valentine’s Well should not be so difficult!
For a number of years, I gave Lori stuffed monkeys on Valentine’s.
The big one danced and sang “Wild Thing”.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Feb 3, 2026 | V-Day
Podcast: https://bit.ly/49U9yXB
This post is straight talk about Valentine’s Day for husbands.
I ended yesterday by saying how our spouse feels is a big deal on Valentine’s Day, and if we get that wrong, it can cause hurt feelings, leading to resentment or damaging intimacy.
In recent years, there have been surveys and stories saying many women don’t care about Valentine’s or don’t want to celebrate it. But when you dig, you discover most of that stems from past disappointments; if hubby has consistently failed to make a reasonable showing for Valentine’s for years, expecting anything this year just sets one up for more pain. It’s very much a sour grapes thing; saying you don’t care protects you from disappointment.
I’ve heard a number of women say their husband doesn’t do anything, or doesn’t do enough, for Valentine’s. What I hear in their voices is resignation more than acceptance. Some try to give hubby a pass by seeing him as good-willed, but it still hurts.
If your wife has long since stopped saying anything about it, you may think you’re safe. I’d suggest you are living daily with the effect of disappointing her in the past. Rather than a big hit at Valentine’s, your relationship in general is harmed year-round. This is especially true if you also fall short on her birthday and your wedding anniversary.
If you have a history of doing little or nothing for Valentine’s Day, you have an opportunity. If the bar is low, you don’t have to do much to impress and bless her.
You don’t have to go crazy. A small box of chocolates and/or a single red rose shows you care about her. Rather than dinner out, you could make dinner for her, even if that means takeout. Or get a nice dessert for two and share it after the kids are in bed.
Doing nothing or next to nothing sends a message you should not want to send. At the very least, say something on Valentine’s morning; something more than “Happy Valentine’s”. Tell her she is special. Tell her why you love her. Tell her how much you enjoy sharing your life with her.
And sex? I’ll talk about that on Saturday.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Valentine’s Day Well can affect your marriage well past February 14th.
I like how willow branches turn yellow months before the leaves come out!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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