by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 17, 2026 | Validate & Meet
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fq05c1
Talking about sex and needs is always prickly. I’m going to start with one you probably didn’t see coming. A wife’s need for her husband to not look at porn is absolutely valid.
Aside from being sin, looking at porn is grossly disrespectful to women in general and to the wife in particular. It makes her feel her husband is not aroused by her, and when they have sex, she feels she is being used to drain off his porn-created lust.
I’ve heard all the excuses and claims. They’re lies and justifications. Greater depressive symptoms are associated with increased use of pornography. Additionally, porn use correlates with significantly lower sexual function and sexual satisfaction and higher rates of sexual dysfunction.
If you use porn, stop. If you can’t stop on your own, get help. (I highly recommend Be Broken Ministries.)
Next, of course, is frequency of sex. It is fair to discuss want vs need here. A lot of men would like to have sex daily, or even more often. If you have a life, that’s difficult and probably unreasonable. But it does tell us that most men have such a drive, and dismissing it because you find it annoying isn’t loving.
When I discussed a ‘patch-up’ job for sex yesterday, I suggested doing something every three days. Most men, especially those under fifty, would find that less than what is needed. And if most men feel that way, it’s difficult to claim the need is not valid.
As I have said in the past, this is mostly about perspective. If she feels used having sex every other day, it’s going to be difficult for her to meet his need. If she sees his sexual need as valid and considers meeting that need a part of how she loves and cares for him, it will be far easier.
If hubby is looking at porn or ignoring his wife’s needs, her feeling used as a sex object is on him. If he is a decent guy, avoiding porn and lust for other women, and meeting her needs well, then her feeling used is about something other than him.
~ This is Paul, and caring for your spouse is the first step to doing sex well.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 16, 2026 | Validate & Meet
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4aYBmKv
Yesterday I gave a list of things I see as valid needs in a marriage. But not everything expressed as a need is valid. How do we judge what our spouse says they need?
For the most part, if it’s not enabling and you can do it fairly easily, I’d say just do it. This is the heart of a generous spouse.
A couple of the items on yesterday’s list had qualifiers. Conversation and sex had frequencies suggested. Expecting double what I said is unreasonable, especially if you have kids or either of you has a job. Giving half of what I suggested is also unreasonable, unless there are some unusual situations. So part of validity is how often.
I qualified order and cleanliness with “a decent level”. Expecting an immaculate home is unreasonable. Expecting your spouse to be okay with significant disorder or mold is also unreasonable. So part of validity is about degree.
Another issue is the impact their “need” has on others. For instance, “I expect you to keep the three and five-year-old silent while I work” is unfair to you and to the children. “I need the house to be 80 degrees (27°C)” is unfair to others in the home; they need to put on a sweater.
Yesterday’s list included “verbal appreciation”. That’s a basic human need. But if your spouse needs constant validation, that’s an indication they have a problem for which they should get help. If this is the case, you probably can’t give them enough validation to make them feel the need has been met, and trying to do so only makes them think you are the problem.
If what they say they need is sin, that’s a no-go. I know people who expect their spouse to support them even if it requires lying. And I know people who expect their spouse to defend them even when they have done something wrong. Neither “sin for me” nor “help me cover my sin” is a valid need.
If you’re unsure about some need your spouse has expressed, talk to a marriage expert. Your friends will tend to tell you what you want to hear or what they want to be true in their marriage.
Meeting needs can be hard work, and it may stretch you. It may be challenging, but it should not be destructive.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well isn’t always easy
It starts as a trickle
Soon it will be a flood!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 15, 2026 | Validate & Meet
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4pmRviV
If you have both validated each other’s top needs, now what? Meeting those needs will probably take time and effort. You may have to make some life changes to do some of what is needed, and that can be slow going. Beyond that, you both feel empty and neglected, and you both need change NOW.
Imagine you were both injured. Say you were hiking, and you both fell down a steep shale hill. You both have some significant cuts. You have a good first-aid kit and have been trained for this. The way to deal with this situation is for one of you to do a quick patch job on the other to stop the bleeding. Then the one who has been patched up works on the other, cleaning wounds well, doing stitches as needed, and applying antiseptic and bandages. When that is done, the spouse who has just been treated goes back to the patch-up they did and does a proper job.
I will give an example where one spouse is hurting over a lack of sex, as that is a common issue. While this is usually the man, increasingly, it’s the woman who complains about this.
The patch-up is done on sex. Find a way to give the one who wants more some form of sex at least every three days. The spouse who is less interested gets to decide when and how.
With this done, the patched-up spouse works to give the other something they need. Not a halfway job; they work on it until the need is being met well and regularly. Then and only then do you go back to working on sex.
There are a couple of reasons for doing it this way. A temporary patch-up in this area can go a long way to helping the one frustrated about sex. It also gives them hope for something better later and motivates them to work on what their spouse needs. Beyond this, you can’t make sex what it should be when you have problems with communication or many of the other things on the list. Really fixing sex has to be last, so a patch job first is required.
The process is the same if sex is not a top issue for either spouse. What need can a halfway job make significantly better? What need has to be met to really take care of another need?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The end of another day in a beautiful place
Thank you, God!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 14, 2026 | Validate & Meet
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wHbHP0
Yesterday I said the first step to a better marriage is telling your spouse that what they want is valid. This can be a sticking point, as we tend to dismiss what our spouse says they need as unfair, unimportant, or unrealistic. We do that as a cognitive shield, because if what they say they need is valid and we aren’t doing it, we have to face the uncomfortable feeling that we are falling short.
We decide what they need is not that important because we are different and don’t feel the same need. Or don’t feel it as strongly. And our spouse does the same to us. And that is how we get to the place where both spouses feel their valid needs are not being met.
We may get reinforcement for “not valid” from our friends or our culture. Men tell each other women want too much communication, while women tell each other men want too much sex. The sad irony is the fact we say these things proves those things are common needs. If most women want more conversation, that means most women need more conversation.
While every relationship is unique, here is a list of things that are valid needs in marriage. Many of these skew to one gender, but not all.
- Respect
- A shared spiritual connection
- Support for personal growth and passions
- Getting out of the house together, without the kids or friends
- A few minutes alone to relax when getting home from work
- Help with the kids
- Multiple deep conversations each week, lasting for at least half an hour
- Nonsexual touch
- Verbal appreciation
- Regularly taking care of some household chores
- Sex several times a week
- Emotional safety
- A decent level of order and cleanliness
- Alone time
- Couple friends
I’m sure I’ve missed a few important ones, but this should give you an idea of what valid needs look like.
Are you ready to set aside fear, pride, selfishness, and whatever else and tell your spouse what they want from you is valid?
~ This is Paul, and invalidating your spouse’s needs is NOT Doing Marriage Well.
Love watching the humming birds.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 13, 2026 | Validate & Meet
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4vZz06r
Lori and I have met with a lot of unhappy, struggling couples. The majority of the time they are where they are because they both have valid needs that are not being met or even acknowledged by their spouse. The needs vary, and how the people are behaving varies, but that general statement covers most couples looking for help. And many who are not looking for help.
I’ve talked in the past about wants vs needs and suggested that much of what we dismiss as a want is needed for a marriage to be healthy. I won’t rehash that here, except to offer a quick reminder: love is all about going beyond the bare minimum. If what your spouse wants is not abusive or grossly unreasonable, please treat it as a need.
If you and your spouse both have valid needs that are not being met, your marriage is not happy. And the longer those needs go unmet, the worse it gets. Some people deal with this by detaching from the marriage and trying to get their needs met by others. I’m not talking about adultery, but anytime you stop looking to your spouse for something, it hurts your marriage. Doing this more and more results in a marriage that dies with a whimper.
If you find yourselves in this place, the path forward is remarkably straightforward. It comes down to three steps:
- Tell your spouse what they want is valid.
- Promise to find a way to meet that need.
- Meet the need.
I said it was simple, not easy. But anyone can do it if they are willing.
The rest of this week we will discuss how you accomplish this and what will get in your way. For now I’d like you to think of the two things you really, really need from your spouse. Then consider what two things they really need from you. If you’re not sure, ask.
Then ask God to give you the courage and determination to do what you need to do. If you and your spouse both have valid unmet needs, doing what I’m suggesting could make a massive difference in your marriage. And while your spouse does need to get on board for it to really work, you can start without them. If you start doing it, they will likely move towards you.
~ This is Paul, and validating your spouse’s needs is a good first step to Doing Marriage Well.
Moooove along!
This calf went under a fence. When we drove by, we scared it home.
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