by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 7, 2026 | Why Marriage?
Podcast: https://paulb5d.podbean.com/e/did-god-make-marriage-for-sex-the-surprising-answer-1786072678/?token=6edfd601046554d5b03c36e91451ddc0
When we ask, “Why did God create marriage?” should one answer be “for sex”? Or perhaps “as a place for sex?“
I don’t think God made marriage for sex; I think He made sex for marriage!
Human sex is unusual. As far as we know, only humans and a few kinds of toothed whales experience a long post-reproductive life span, AKA menopause. Most female animals are only receptive when fertile. But women, who are fertile less than a week each month, are receptive and orgasmic all month long. In fact, it’s common for women to experience a surge in sex drive shortly before menstruation, when pregnancy is impossible. As for orgasm, we don’t know which female animals do, but we are sure many don’t. What’s more, for some animals, including cats, sex is always painful for the female. Mating while pregnant is very rare among animals, and when it happens, it results in more offspring. Some women, on the other hand, feel an increase in sex drive during part of pregnancy.
God didn’t give us strong sex drives and a command to have sex in marriage just so we would make babies. In animals, sex is clearly all about reproduction. In humans sex seems optimised for pleasure.
Not just physical pleasure. Sex can also provide great mental and emotional pleasure. Beyond that, it releases chemicals and hormones that draw the partners together. Unmarried couples who have sex may develop a desire to marry or live together.
For those already married, good sex is like relationship glue. Sex won’t prevent a divorce, but it can smooth out rough spots, encourage working on issues, and make it easy to work on issues.
Of course we mess it up. Sin, both those we commit and those committed against us, can put us off sex or point us in a direction God didn’t intend.
Please know that if sex is not as it should be in your marriage, it can get better. If you need help, get help. Sex is one important part of marriage.
~ This is Paul, I think Doing Sex Well pleases God.
Someone on the property used oat straw for mulch last year,
and didn’t plant that area this year. So we have some oats.
Not enough to do anything with, but the pigs seem to like them.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 6, 2026 | Why Marriage?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/459GRTq
Today I’m going to chew on one of my pet peeves: the idea that God didn’t give us marriage to make us happy, but rather to make us holy.
I’ve already laid the groundwork on this. Yesterday I shared a verse about a man being free to spend his first year of marriage making his wife happy. And then there’s Proverbs 18:22, which, in the ESV, tells us that “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” And what about Adam? He had no imperfection when God gave him Eve.
A good marriage is one of the best things, possibly the best thing, we can experience this side of heaven. My wife often makes me happy. She blesses me richly. My marriage gives me meaning and direction. My wife is the greatest gift God has given me, second only to salvation.
To be fair, God uses everything and everyone in our life to make us more holy. And given how close and intimate the marriage relationship is, we should expect Him to use it more than anything else to grow us up. I just don’t like the idea that my wife was given to me to whip me into shape! Nor do I want it to be my job to do that for her.
That said, God very much uses my wife to challenge me and help me grow. I am a better man for having her in my life. I encourage her to be this in my life. I want her to tell me when she sees something that concerns her. I’m not asking her to be my mother, but I do want her to be my fellow disciple, learning how to live and follow Jesus better and better. I don’t expect her to fix me; that is my job. I do want her input on what she thinks might need to be fixed.
Finding the right balance on this can be tricky. And it’s a moving target, as it will change throughout your marriage. I would suggest discussing it from time to time. Do you want more input? Do you feel there is too much? What would be most helpful?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well should accomplish both!
I asked Gemini to place a tuxedo cat in the image, and got this:
He likes his mice shaken, not stirred.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 5, 2026 | Why Marriage?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/45HGRtS
God is very pro-marriage. I want to share a couple of verses that show this.
If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married. ~ NIV
This passage is part of the OT Law. It is remarkable because it was given at a time when Israel was in near-constant war. No other civic duty meant he could not be forced to work on roads or carry supplies to the army. Some rabbis said it also meant he was to pay no tax.
The man was still expected to earn a living, but the entire community was called to carry a bit more so the new couple could develop a solid marriage. Some suggest “bring happiness to his wife” includes sex. While not found in the text, it would be logical to assume it’s part of the whole.
This is not a verse we consider today. If you are a church leader, may I suggest you honour the spirit of this and not ask newlyweds to serve for the first year they are married? And if you have any influence with newlyweds, show them this verse and ask them to prayerfully consider what it means for them.
The couple who focuses on their marriage and each other for the first year will do far better than those who do not!
Now for a New Testament verse:
Hold marriage in high esteem, all of you, and keep the marriage bed pure… ~ Hebrews 13:4a The Voice
The King James and New King James versions make this a statement: “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled,” rather than a command. We don’t have to dissect the original language to know this can’t be right. Marriage was not held in honour when Paul wrote the passage.
This passage being a command means it requires something of us. In our own marriage we must keep our sex life pure. We must also honour marriage in general. That doesn’t mean we say nice things about it. We should protect marriages. We should pray for those who are married and do everything we can to help those around us have better marriages.
The church is supposed to be a community, and we are supposed to take care of each other. Caring for other people’s marriages is part of that.
A couple of times when Lori and I were newly married, an older man came up to me and gave me a “Pentecostal handshake”, meaning he passed me some money. And that was accompanied by “take your wife out to dinner“. When we got older, Lori and I did our part by occasionally offering free babysitting for young couples with children. Now most Sunday evenings we take the grandkids for a few hours, to give mon and dad some couple time.
How could you help the marriage of those around you?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well goes beyond your own marriage.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 4, 2026 | Why Marriage?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3TyfkIJ
Another reason God created marriage, or at least something seen throughout the Bible, is to help us understand His relationship with us. Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel all describe God as the husband of Israel. In the New Testament, Jesus is called the bridegroom of the church, and the church is called the bride of Christ. And the Bible ends with the wedding supper of the Lamb.
The analogy extends to sexuality. Multiple times in the Old Testament, worshipping other gods is likened to adultery. In Ephesians 5 the apostle Paul links marriage and the sexual “one flesh” union to the mystical, spiritual union between Christ and the church, calling it a profound mystery.
This analogy means a couple of things for us.
First, a bad marriage is a bad witness. If marriage is supposed to show how God cares for us, a bad marriage reflects poorly on God. If folks who go to church had much better marriages than folks who do not, it would be far easier to get people to come to the Lord. Statistically, Christian marriages are better, but it’s not enough of a difference for most people to see.
The analogy was created to help us understand our relationship with God. But it can also help us understand how we should be with our spouse. A husband abusing his wife is like Jesus abusing us. The silent treatment is like the Holy Spirit refusing to commune with us. Being too busy for our spouse is like being too busy for God. And sexual refusal is like refusing to worship God.
Does your marriage make God look good? What should you change to improve that?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well will preach!
These sunflowers were planted because they face the driveway everyone uses.
In the foreground are blackberries that will start being ready this week.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 3, 2026 | Why Marriage?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4xfJm2i
This week I want to talk about why God created marriage. I think an understanding of what He intended helps us do marriage well. I will also look at some reasons God did not create marriage, or things we try to make marriage that are not in line with what God intended.
God is clear about why he made a wife, for Adam:
“It is not good for the man to be alone, so I will create a companion for him, a perfectly suited partner.” ~ Genesis 2:18 The Voice
It was not good for Adam to be alone. What makes this statement so amazing is Adam walked with God in the garden each evening. Adam knew God as we cannot, and according to God, that was not enough for him. Adam needed someone who was as he was. He needed a partner who was perfectly suited for him.
When I was twenty-three, I woke up one morning wanting to be married. I had always assumed I would get married and wanted that, but suddenly I felt I needed it right then. I was walking very close with the Lord at the time, and had good friends, but it was not enough. Like Adam, I was lonely, and it was not good.
I am grateful that I felt that longing to be married. I am also grateful God allowed me to live in that place for more than a year. It made me strongly aware of my need, and it has helped me avoid taking my wife for granted. It has also made it easy for me to accept her imperfections and the challenges of the two becoming one. I remain aware of how it felt to be alone and how much I wanted and needed a godly wife. No minor irritation of marriage today outweighs that need.
I believe God created marriage so we would have someone with whom to share life. Sharing the good makes it better. Sharing the bad makes it less bad. It doesn’t get any better than sharing life with your spouse.
~ This is Paul, and I am striving to Do Marriage Well every day.
A note: I used the The Voice version for Genesis 2:18 as it is a more accurate translation of the meaning of the original than many versions. I wrote about this in I Want An Ezer Kenegdo.
We have smoke. But no fires near us.
Do pray for the folks in Spokane who have lost homes!
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