by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 4, 2026 | Your Life
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3RQ98Lc
The bottom line is if you don’t like how your life or marriage is, you have to do something about it. The life and marriage you have are largely based on your choices, and if you don’t make changes, you’re choosing to keep having the same thing.
And all too often that ends badly.
We’ve watched couples divorce because one spouse is done. They don’t care anymore. Often they care so little they aren’t even mad any more. They no longer expect their spouse’s love and no longer want it either. Some seek help to check that box, but they are past the point where it can do any good. Short of a miracle, you can’t heal what’s dead.
These folks have decided they will no longer accept how things have been, and their solution is to walk away.
What drives me crazy is most of these same people would not have been willing to try to change their marriage a couple of years earlier. Some would have felt it was too much work. Others feared it would have hurt too much. Still others would have been afraid it would end their marriage.
Let me assure you, divorce is painful, and it can be a lot of work. And while some feel real relief, there is always pain and difficulty. Especially when there are children. It’s a painful irony to avoid the work that could save your marriage out of fear it might end it.
All of this is to encourage you to do the hard work of transformation before you reach the “I’m done” phase. This is owning your life. Doing nothing until you feel jumping ship is the only option is letting life happen to you.
The issue then is being honest with yourself. If your marriage continues as it is, will you reach a point where you don’t care? As you consider that, realise unhealthy marriages don’t continue as they are. If you don’t work to improve it, an unhappy marriage will get steadily worse. Perhaps you can live with what you have now. But can you live with how it will be in five years?
Are you headed for problems if there is no change?
If so, I suggest you work on lists of dealmakers, things you must have to keep caring about your marriage, and dealbreakers, things that will kill your marriage. What must your marriage have for you to stay engaged? What will kill your marriage? A dealmaker might be “We prioritise regular time together” and/or regular sex. A dealbreaker might be things such as contempt or constant criticism. Don’t rush doing this; make the lists, then set them aside for a day and come back to it.
Once you have them, look at the lists critically. Are there any must-haves missing? Are there dealbreakers present? If you don’t choose to deal with those things, you are choosing to sit by while your marriage grows worse and possibly dies.
Pick one item and work on it. Start with something that seems easy, probably one where you can make significant changes on your own.
Yes, this will be difficult. And it will be painful. Divorce is more difficult and more painful.
~ This is Paul, and everyone has different dealmakers and dealbreakers.
We had turkey eggs for lunch.
Tastes very much like chicken eggs. But way harder to break.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 3, 2026 | Your Life
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4o1tTzs
When it comes to changes to marriage, I often hear “I can’t change my spouse.”
First, this is not so. If you stop doing laundry, or taking out the trash, or anything else your spouse counts on you to do, the dynamic of who does chores will change. If you change how you react to silence, grumpyness, or anger, your spouse will likely also make changes. Maybe not the changes you would like, but you can work with movement.
Marriage is an interplay of what one does and how the other responds. When either changes, that causes changes in the other. Keep doing what you have been, and nothing will change. Mix it up, and you might get a better response.
For example: If you don’t feel you get enough of your spouse’s attention, you may be complaining about that or demanding they give you time. Instead, try making small bids to connect. Share a funny video, or suggest a short walk. Briefly share something that happened during your day, or ask about their day. When you move from demanding to inviting, your spouse may change.
Second, you don’t have to change your spouse to change yourself. You can choose to do what is right and healthy, regardless of what your spouse does. And you can choose to walk away when your spouse does something that is wrong or unhealthy.
“But that will make my spouse mad!” you protest. It well may. It may. But putting up with unhealthy things is not helping your marriage, and it’s a bad choice on your part. Choosing to disengage when your spouse attacks you shows you will no longer put up with wrong or unhealthy behaviour. Yes, that may bring about a conflict, which is an opportunity for you to clarify things. And that’s a starting place.
You can’t change your spouse, but you can choose to not engage with their unhealthy behaviours. And that will change them. It may not be the change you want, but if they get mad that you won’t put up with being treated wrong, that just shows you how bad the situation has become. Pointing out the irony that they are angry because you won’t accept being mistreated might be a powerful wake-up call.
Of course, you’re not perfect. So be honest with yourself about where you’re treating your spouse wrong, and deal with that.
Additionally, find some small ways to bless your spouse. Bring them a drink or a snack. Give them a foot rub. Thank or compliment them. Do these things regularly, regardless of how your spouse is being. Treat them the way you would if they were more as you would like them to be, and see if they become more that way in time.
What change do you need to make?
~ This is Paul, and sometimes Doing Marriage Well means pulling back.
Widget inspects one of our Douglas Fir trees.
It was about eight inches when we put it in the ground.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 2, 2026 | Your Life
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4x1qF39
Let’s look at some reasons we don’t make changes we want to make or know we need to make.
I Don’t Deserve Better: Most folks who feel this way don’t say it out loud, and may not even say it in their minds. But on some level they have been told they are worthless and don’t deserve good things. And they have accepted that as truth. We don’t fight for what we think we do not deserve and may even sabotage it if it starts to happen.
Identity: We are identified by what we do and don’t do. Making changes to our actions changes how we see ourselves and how others see us. This can be challenging. Making changes can feel like taking off a mask we’ve worn for years; it’s terrifying to wonder if our spouse will like the person underneath.”
Beyond that, human nature means you will get push-back when you change who you are. Even when the change benefits someone, or they have asked for it, they may fight it. People fight your change for the five reasons I’m discussing in the post.
Failure: Fear of failure keeps us from trying. Having tried and failed in the past can make this one very powerful.
Loss: Change can mean less of something or giving something up. Sometimes this means you give something up; other times others stop giving or doing something. Our fear of others changing how they treat us can be a big roadblock to change. We’d rather be unhappy but stable than risk a season of conflict.
Comfortable with the Status Quo: We have a sad ability to feel comfortable in a mess we dislike.
I once talked with a man having marriage issues. I pointed out some things he was doing that were killing his marriage. He agreed those things were wrong and harmful to his marriage. When I talked about making changes, he was unwilling.
He didn’t like how his marriage was, but he understood it and found it comfortable. He wanted his wife to change in the ways he wanted, without him having to change. And yes, his marriage ended.
Reread the list and ask yourself which of these you see yourself doing. How can you do better?
If you’re aware of your spouse doing any of these things, is there a way you can support or encourage them?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The hatched turkeys are in their next home.
The adults are on the other side of the wire, so they get to know each other.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 1, 2026 | Your Life
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4nWZm5U
This weeks topic is ‘It’s your life now‘.
Lori and I keep seeing folks who are not living their life. They are copying someone else’s life or are trying to live the opposite of how someone else lives. Others are living the life someone else wants them to live. Or they are living in rebellion to the life someone else wants them to live. Even more common is living the life one has fallen into, as if there is no choice.
When you were young, it was not your life. Your parents had a great deal of control, and you had few rights and little say. But when you became an adult, it became your life. That means if you don’t like the life you have, that’s your fault. That sounds harsh, I know. But that means you have the power to fix it. If it were someone else’s fault, you’d be helpless.
I know that doesn’t sit well. There are all these things that are out of your control. There are so many things you would like to be different, but you can’t change them.
While there is some truth in that, it’s also a big honkin’ lie!
The reality is we have the power to make different choices in most areas of our lives. You could abandon your family, move across the country, and start over. That’s not a right choice, but it makes the point.
For the most part, we don’t make changes because change is difficult and possibly costly. Beyond that, the uncomfortable unhappy life we know seems safer than moving towards the better life we could have. It’s like disliking what’s on TV, but the remote is out of reach and you’re tired, so you watch it anyway. Doing that day after day with a life you don’t like is a miserable way to live.
Given this blog is about doing marriage well, I want to apply “It’s your life now” to your marriage. But most of what I will cover applies to both your life and your marriage.
Before I get down to specifics, I want you to think about your life and your marriage. What do you dislike? What have you been telling yourself prevents you from changing that? What is really preventing you from making changes? What stands in your way? What do you fear?
Then ask yourself how you will feel if the things you dislike are the same in five or ten years. Will you just keep living a life you don’t like, or will you get up, get the remote, and make some changes?
~ This is Paul, and ‘Good Marriage’ looks different for every person.
The wild roses are in bloom!
The orange is Western Trumpet Honeysuckle
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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