Please start by watching the video below, or here.
The first time I saw that, I totally missed the bear. The video says, “It’s easy to miss something you’re not looking for“. That’s true, but the video is also using what magicians call misdirection. Had you not been given the instruction to count ball passes, you would have seen the bear. So in addition to not seeing what you’re not looking for, it’s easy to miss something obvious when you are busy looking for something else.
This week, I want to discuss how both of these affect our marriages.
When did you last miss something your spouse was trying to communicate to you? Or perhaps I should say, when did that last happen that you are aware of?
I’m not talking about those hints she gives that she thinks are obvious but that 99% of men would miss. And I’m not talking about something you didn’t understand because he used far too few words. What was communicated well, yet you totally missed it?
If you can think of such an event, the next question is, why did you miss it? Be honest and dig a bit.
~ This is Paul, and having a clue helps us Do Marriage Well.
Getting the driveway ready for more rock.
Yes, there’s a two-year-old in the tractor. We start ’em young!
An assumption is something that you accept as true or take for granted without concrete proof or evidence. ~ Cambridge Dictionary
The truth is our brains tend to prefer assumptions, quick guesses, over long, thought-out decisions. If you’re in danger, a fast decision is more likely to save you than doing nothing while you ponder. But there are situations where a wrong assumption can be disastrous. So while our brains favour them, we need to be wise about where an assumption is okay, and where it’s not.
Marriage is a place where assumptions are more likely to cause problems than work for us. It’s exceptionally common to find a wrong assumption at the root of a fight, problem, or hurt feelings.
If a couple is able to express their thoughts and feelings well and freely, wrong assumptions rarely last and don’t usually cause much harm. This is why being able to communicate is so important. It’s also why having a regular check-in is useful.
When wrong assumptions persist, they tend to grow. An assumption can be like a log that gets stuck between two rocks on opposite sides of a small river. Other things get caught by the log, and eventually a makeshift dam appears. That alone can cause issues, and when it breaks, the surge of water, or emotions, can do damage.
May I suggest you get in the habit of checking every assumption you make about your spouse? A quick “Do you mean…” or “Are you thinking…” could save a lot of frustration – or worse. You can also go after potential assumptions by your spouse. Say something such as, “When I said ABC, did you think XYZ?”
We’ll be digging into this topic all week. I bet you assumed that!
~ This is Paul, and assuming is not Doing Marriage Well.
We had a mass escape, with five turkeys going over the wire and into the garden.
Fortunately they don’t run away like chickens. Got them all home and fixed the hole in the top.
Our doctor recently prescribed a milkshake for my wife. Really!
Her ongoing medical issues have caused an unhealthy level of weight loss. He prescribed a drug to help her be better able to eat, and said to go get the most calorie bang for her buck she could. I said, “A milkshake?” and he said, “Exactly.”
Clearly this is not normal medical advice. It was what was best under the circumstances. We are working to get her the calories she needs in a better way. But for the moment the doctor was more concerned with calories than nutrition.
Sometimes what is normally best practice is not the way to go under the circumstances. This is true for all aspects of life, including our marriages.
If Lori decided to live on milkshakes, that would be a problem. When the medical issue is resolved, she needs to return to getting good nutrition. What we are doing now is unusual and only a good choice because of the circumstances.
There will be times in your marriage where you can’t do what would normally be best. There will be times when what is normally expected would be harmful. The trick to dealing with this is twofold. First, you have to see the unusual circumstances, what they mean, and how to adapt. Second, you have to see when the circumstances have passed so you can return to something more appropriate for most of the time. Some open discussions will help you do this well.
My wife has not done any housework for several weeks. That is right, and I’d stop her if she tried. But when this is all over, it would be wrong for her to leave me doing everything. That’s not who she is, but new habits form, and she will need to be intentional to return to her old habits.
Think about your marriage. Is there an unusual circumstance in your marriage that would benefit from doing something that would normally not be a good idea? Did this happen in the past, but you didn’t get back to or all the way back to normal when the circumstance passed? I’ll give some examples the rest of the week, but I wanted y’all to think about your marriage first.
~ This is Paul, and accommodating is Doing Marriage Well.
You might be a homesteader if…
Rendering some fat from last year’s pig. Got three quarts!
I’m sure you’ve heard Hunter S Thompson’s “Anything worth doing, is worth doing right.” But have you heard how G.K. Chesterton turned that on its head, saying, “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.”
The statement is not about doing things poorly. It’s about the danger of perfectionsim. If fear of failure stops you from trying, that’s a problem. If you won’t even try because you know you can’t do it perfectly, then you are lost. Saying it’s worth doing badly means doing it badly is better than not doing it at all. Far better.
This is a very important idea to apply to your marriage. No one does marriage perfectly; we all make mistakes and blow it from time to time. We must avoid getting so hung up on our failures that we stop trying.
Just as important, we have to feel the same way about our spouse. When they make an effort, do you thank them for that, even if they blow it? Sometimes getting it right is important to us, but we must still value an honest attempt. If we don’t, we’re telling them we expect perfection. And that’s a good way to get them to give up.
I’ve been far from perfect in my marriage. Especially the first few years. I cringe when I remember things I said and did thinking they were a good idea. Fortunately Lori has always been fair and reasonable, even when I hurt her. That has both encouraged me to keep trying and made me want to get it right for her sake.
Over 41 years later I’m still not perfect. I blow it less often and less spectacularly, but I still blow it. And my wonderful wife still loves, forgives, and thanks me for my efforts.
BTW, Chesterton was also a brilliant Christian apologist. He said, “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.“
~ This is Paul, and perfectionism has no part to play in Doing Marriage Well
This week I want to talk about “Adulting”. By that I mean doing the things that need to be done, including at times hard things. “I can’t adult” is a humorous way younger generations express how hard it can be to do what needs to be done. But failure to adult has been around a lot longer.
A marriage where neither person adults well is going to be a messy thing. When it’s mostly one person, the other is likely very frustrated. Neither results in a healthy marriage.
Before I get too far into what it means to adult, I want to deal with unreasonable expectations. When I was young, you were expected to have a perfect house at all times, regardless of what was happening in your life. This put a lot of pressure on people, and especially on the wife.
What we should aim for is a balance. Sometimes life is crazy, and you have to let a few things go. Never going to bed with dishes in the sink is a great goal, but if you’re a slave to that, a good thing becomes a bad thing. And if your spouse expects you to do the dishes before bed even when you are physically, mentally, or emotionally exhausted, that’s getting uncomfortably close to abuse.
The great thing is you have two adults in your marriage, and when one can’t do their part, the other can help out. Lori has been sick for more than a month, so I am doing most of what she usually does, plus taking care of her. I’ve been working on balance. Fortunately my wife is very reasonable. She doesn’t expect me to do things the way she would. Additionally, she has encouraged me to take care of myself, which includes sometimes letting something go for a while. For my part, I’ve done some things I don’t care about, or wouldn’t care about for another week or two, because I know doing them blessed her.
Adulting should be a joint effort in your marriage, and it should flow and shift as life changes. Saying “I can’t adult today” is an acceptable thing to say; as long as you don’t say it too often or expect too much when you say it.
~ This is Paul, and Adulting Well looks different for every couple.
We bought an old walk-in fridge. We will use it as a root cellar and for hanging pigs and deer.
It came in pieces, but we got it together, and the cooling unit works.
