As I suggested on Monday, we can miss something because we were looking for something else. And as with the moonwalking bear, what we miss may be rather obvious.
Our brains are very good at focusing on one thing. What we call multitasking is actually rapidly switching between two things. Once we focus on something, everything else moves to the background. When we need to focus on something, that single-mindedness is great. But it comes at a cost.
The other thing is we tend to see what we expect. Scientists say our brains function as prediction machines rather than passive video recorders. We filter for what we expect, which means filtering out other things. Even if we see everything, we tend to exaggerate what we expect, and downplay everything else.
Focusing on a task can cause us to miss what our spouse is doing or saying. There are certainly times we need to focus on something other than our spouse, but try to keep some awareness of them when they are around. If nothing else, check in every so often. At the very least, look at them once in a while!
Another possibility is we are focused on our spouse but on something that is not real. For example, Sam becomes suspicious that Chris is having an affair. There are no red flags, just a vague feeling. But now Sam is looking for signs of cheating. That means trying to see what Chris says and does as evidence of adultery. It also means ignoring things that suggest there is no affair. If Chris starts to notice being treated differently, things could get even more difficult. Chris may pull back as a result of how Sam is acting. And Sam will see this change as further evidence of an affair.
Another example is thinking your spouse is mad at you. You magnify any hint of displeasure and downplay actions that suggest they are not mad.
You can turn this around and use the power of focus to improve your marriage. Assuming the best is a matter of focus. Likewise for the benefit of the doubt.
Focus is a tool. Like any tool, it can be used for good or bad. One way to ensure you don’t use it for bad is to check yourself. Ask, “Am I observing reality, or am I looking for what I expect to see?“
I told on myself yesterday, so today it’s Lori’s turn. My wife gets hyperfocused on whatever she’s doing. That’s nice when I’m involved in what she’s doing. But it can result in her missing things I need her to hear. What makes it worse is she says, “uh huh” when she is focused on something else. Once when I knew she was not hearing me, I “confessed” to an affair with the elderly lady across the street. It wasn’t until I lost it laughing that she stopped and said, “What did I agree to?“
Here’s the thing: I know she does this. I think that puts it on me to make sure she is really hearing me when I say something important. She’s been this way for 42 years, and there is no reason to think she will change. So I choose to be responsible for making sure she hears me. The issue is not blame; it’s making it work.
How could you make it easier for your spouse to focus when you need to tell them something?
Pick your time wisely. Not when they are busy or stressed.
Ask if it’s a good time to talk.
Politely ask them to put down what they are doing.
Get to the point quickly.
Make the main concern known early in the conversation.
If you are asking for something, ask for it clearly.
How can you improve your focus on your spouse? The same list applies, but you may have work to get some of them.
Perhaps you need to discuss “focus traps” over coffee sometime.
~ This is Paul, and focus can be a double-edged sword!
We live in a world awash with things screaming for our attention. The dog wants out, the cat wants in, maybe, and the kids won’t stop going in and out. Your phone nags you all day, and media does its best to snag you. There are so many things vying for your focus.
With so much going on, and so many voices competing for your attention, missing something your spouse says is understandable. However, we choose what gets our ears’ full attention, and what we treat as background noise. Is your spouse high priority, background noise, or somewhere in between?
Perhaps you assume you know what your spouse has to say and don’t give it top priority for that reason. Or perhaps some of what they say obligates you or annoys you, so you’d rather not hear it. Or it might be as simple as familiarity making them seem boring. But regardless of the reason, missing something important because you’re distracted is wrong, and may communicate that you don’t care.
If you want to hear what your spouse thinks and know how they feel, you must make listening to them a priority. Of course there are situations where you can’t do that. On those occasions, ask them to wait and tell you whatever later, when you can give it the focus it deserves.
When your spouse talks, give them your attention. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and really hear them.
Caveat One: If your spouse tends to ramble, like my wife’s husband, you might miss something because it’s lost in a stream of consciousness that doesn’t need your attention. The solution to this is to be honest. Saying “You have a lot of words; would you make sure I hear the ones that are important?” would work. Or, when they’re going on (and on, and on), say, “Is there something I need to know?”
Caveat Two: Being neurodivergent makes focus extra challenging. I’m ADHD, and I feel your frustration. Make dealing with that a couple task.
~ This is Paul, and focus is part of Doing Marriage Well.
Are the yellow jackets gone?
She’s fine. But she spent almost an hour under my desk.
Please start by watching the video below, or here.
The first time I saw that, I totally missed the bear. The video says, “It’s easy to miss something you’re not looking for“. That’s true, but the video is also using what magicians call misdirection. Had you not been given the instruction to count ball passes, you would have seen the bear. So in addition to not seeing what you’re not looking for, it’s easy to miss something obvious when you are busy looking for something else.
This week, I want to discuss how both of these affect our marriages.
When did you last miss something your spouse was trying to communicate to you? Or perhaps I should say, when did that last happen that you are aware of?
I’m not talking about those hints she gives that she thinks are obvious but that 99% of men would miss. And I’m not talking about something you didn’t understand because he used far too few words. What was communicated well, yet you totally missed it?
If you can think of such an event, the next question is, why did you miss it? Be honest and dig a bit.
~ This is Paul, and having a clue helps us Do Marriage Well.
Getting the driveway ready for more rock.
Yes, there’s a two-year-old in the tractor. We start ’em young!
Assumptions are so durable they easily survive the relationship that created them. We then apply them to the next person who has a similar place in our life. Even if the assumption was true for our last relationship, that does not make it true for the person we married.
Due to our age and inexperience, we tend to make more assumptions in our early romantic relationships than we do later. But unless we make an effort to jettison those assumptions, we unthinkingly paint them onto our spouse.
So let’s look at some assumptions you might put on your spouse based on your first boy or girlfriend.
What Silence Means: I’ve already covered this one, but it’s worth reiterating it. Silence means they are not talking, and there are many reasons for that.
I’d Know if They Were Upset: Some folks are quick to be vocal about feeling hurt or wronged. Others take time to process. And some have a bad habit of burying it. Assuming ‘No news is good news” is dangerous.
She Needs Space: Perhaps that was true when your first girlfriend acted as your wife is currently acting. But your wife might desperately want you to reach out to her, and see you not doing so as an indication you don’t care about her. A quick “Do you want to be alone?” is a good check.
Arguing with Him Won’t Make a Difference: Maybe he is more reasonable and more open to your thoughts than the 17-year-old guy who was neither. And he may assume your saying nothing means you have no objection.
They Know How That Makes Me Feel: Perhaps a previous love interest did. Maybe they knew because you had a discussion with them, which you’ve not had with your spouse. Or you think it has to be obvious. If it has not been spoken, you may not be on the same page.
Treat everything you thought you knew from past relationships as a potential wrong assumption about the person you live with today. Can you find a place where you do that, and make a conscious effort to stop?
~ This is Paul, assuming you want to Do Marriage Well.
