by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 9, 2026 | Focus
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4zqZShh
Let’s talk about our focus during sex and how that affects us and our spouse.
God intended sex as a way of making the two one. Sex is supposed to draw us together emotionally. Becoming too focused on the mechanics of sex can keep us from connecting. On the other hand, not enough focus on the mechanics can interfere with sex being enjoyable, especially for her. Finding the right balance here is a moving target. Stay aware that sex is supposed to be pleasurable for our bodies, minds, and emotions, and adjust as needed.
Most women need a solid emotional connection for good sex. Some women’s bodies will go through the motions apart from that, but she won’t be enjoying it. Rather than asking her if it was good for her, ask if it was good emotionally.
Always wanting to try something new will be a distraction for many women. Generally, men are more into sexual variety than women. A sex life you can both enjoy will require finding balance on this issue.
What about sex toys? I’ve heard some say such items distract them from emotional connection. Others say foreplay is difficult without a toy, or orgasm is iffy at best. In that case, the lack of a toy distracts from an emotional connection. Both are valid issues, so do what works for you and your spouse. And again, find a balance that works for both of you.
I’ve heard some say we should not focus on orgasm. Or shouldn’t focus “too much”, whatever that means. Some go so far as to say orgasm is nice when it happens but not necessary. If that’s true for you, great. Odds are it’s not also true for your spouse. Orgasm should not be the sole goal of sex, but each of you should have them when you want them.
The other thing about orgasms is that his is all but guaranteed, while hers is not. That means he needs to do whatever it is required to take her there when she wants to climax. Some women enjoy sex without orgasm sometimes, and some want it every time. Whatever your lady wants should be your goal.
And finally, when sex is over, make an effort to enjoy the afterglow. Fight the urge to roll over and go to sleep or to jump out of bed immediately to clean up. Men, she wants to hear that you love her. And women, he wants to hear that it was good for you.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well builds your marriage up.
Hardening off the first of our potatoes.
Hardening is especially important this year, as the grandsons helped dig them.
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 2, 2026 | Assuming
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47fRjtH
Many couples’ sex lives are littered with incorrect assumptions.
I’ve probably mentioned before the young couple Lori and I were working with who did this. As I was out with him getting some ice, Lori was with her finishing the dinner we would share. We both learned that the one we were with really wanted to try rear-entry sex but was sure their spouse would be offended by the idea. I wonder how many couples go years without doing something they would both enjoy because of such assumptions?
I’ll run through a few sexual assumptions. Might any of these be a factor in your marriage?
Good Girls Don’t: Some ladies who stay completely sexless go into marriage ready to make up for lost time. Perhaps your wife is holding out because she fears what you will think. Or perhaps your husband is holding back because he fears what his “good girl” will think about him. The way to deal with this is to mention something just past what you do now and see what kind of reaction you get. And don’t assume surprise means they dislike what you said.
Her Not Having An Orgasm: Be it regular or occasional, most women fail to orgasm from time to time. Some are fine with that, and say they sometimes enjoy sex without it. And some are as upset about it as any man would be. Many men have been told it’s not that important for a woman, and may assume that is true if she says nothing. He may remain quiet to avoid embarrassing her. And she may assume him not saying anything means he doesn’t care.
He Knows I Orgasmed: He may not. Or he may think you did not when you did. If he asks, don’t get upset. It means he can’t tell, and he cares. You don’t have to scream it out as it happens, but at least occasionally commenting on it is helpful.
What We Do Works for Both of Us: If you don’t talk about it, you can’t know this. Embarrassment can keep couples from talking openly about sex, and that is a breeding ground for assumptions. Both women and men put up with sex that is far from what they want because they don’t think their spouse would be willing to change. You have not because you ask not.
It’s Still Good For Them: Bodies and desires change over time. What was great a decade ago might be so-so now. On the other side, what was off the table in the past might now be desired. Addressing things that don’t work any more is not rejection; it’s an invitation to something better.
He Learned That from Porn: Most men spend a lot of time thinking about sex, and new ways to do it. He might also have heard about it from a friend or a non-pornographic media source. Don’t underestimate how often he has sex with you in his head!
They Must Be Having An Affair: Folks think this when their spouse suddenly does something different, wants more sex, or seems less interested in sex. There are many other reasons for all of these. Assuming adultery is never a good idea.
Think about the sex life you share with your spouse. What parts of it have never been openly discussed? Those are all places where assumptions could be lurking. What do you need to bring into the light?
~ This is Paul, and assumptions get in the way of Doing Sex Well.
Bacon from last year’s pig and eggs from our turkey.
Yes, Chiana is still laying eggs in October. Crazy bird!
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 26, 2026 | Circumstances
Podcast: https://paulb5d.podbean.com/e/when-life-gets-in-the-way-keeping-sex-alive-in-marriage/
There are numerous applications of under-the-circumstances changes we should apply in our sex lives.
How do you and your spouse see sex? If it’s just a way to deal with your physical sex drives, you’re missing out. Sex should be a powerful, intimate way of connecting. Ideally you both see it as one of the important ways you keep your marriage close and loving. If that is how you see it, then being ready to protect it and keep it going is important. If you haven’t discussed how you see sex, I suggest you do so.
Several times this week I talked about doing something in a small way to keep it alive as something you do as a couple. This makes it easy to get back to how it was when the circumstance preventing it have passed. The same is true for sex, and perhaps even more important. We’ve dealt with couples who could not have sex for a time who found it difficult to start back up when they could. Even though both wanted to.
Beyond the mental, use it or lose it is a reality for sexual function, especially as we get older. A couple of studies have suggested that women who have less sex go through menopause earlier, and a lack of sex can cause thinning of tissues of the vulva and atrophy of the vagina. For men, erections keep the penis healthy, and fewer erections can result in less firm erections or full-on ED. For both men and women, getting out of the habit of sex can be the end of sex.
An important issue is how we define sex. It’s not just intercourse, and it need not include either spouse having an orgasm for it to be sex. Just as with other things, it’s important to keep sex alive in some way when you can’t do what you both want to do. That means doing something together, rather than one spouse masturbating in private.
One easy thing to do is fondle each other. Touch breasts and genitals in a loving way. Enjoy touching your spouse, and enjoy being touched. A few minutes of that before going to sleep or upon waking up in the morning is being sexual, and it keeps you in the habit. Of course you can take it further if either of you gets aroused. Do it for your spouse, help them do it, or hug them while they do it.
Intercourse is not just another sex act. Science has shown our bodies react differently to intercourse than to other forms of sex. I think this is also true mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Intercourse is the ultimate act of two becoming one, and it’s important to engage in some form of it when we can. Some form might, on some occasions, mean him in her with little or no movement and no orgasms. In addition to what it will do for both spouses in non-physical ways, it can help their bodies stay functional.
Aside from one of you not being able to have sex, keeping sex alive is also important when you’re too busy for the kind or frequency of sex you want to have. It’s both tempting and easy to take care of yourselves as needed, but this makes sex all about you, and that’s not a good habit to form. Quickies, handjobs, and masturbating together are all better options because each is a couple sex act.
I know couples who set a time limit on how long they will go without having sex. When they hit that limit, they have sex even if neither of them feels like it. And yes, that can happen. They do it because they know it’s important for their marriage, and because they want to remain sexual for the rest of their marriage. This goes back to how we see sex.
Do you see sex as a bonus, or an important lifelong part of your marriage?
~ This is Paul, and the long view helps us Do Sex Well.
Some of our onions
Including a few overachievers!
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 18, 2026 | Imperfect
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4y4vzg7
Perfectionism is a real sex killer.
Even if you got decent sex education, when you first had sex, there was a lot of unknown that could only be resolved with trial and error. I’ve heard a few folks say first sex was good for both of them, but it’s the exception. Most couples are not warned about the things that likely won’t go right at first, and high expectations can make what would be okay sex seem like a failure.
Where we get our expectations is also a major factor. If either spouse thinks porn is at all realistic, they are in for disappointment. Likewise, if the woman has fed on a diet of romance novels. Expecting your spouse to be like the people in media creates something they will never live up to.
Perfectionism can hurt a couple’s sex life well past the early days. Some women who don’t orgasm early on assume they are broken and accept that rather than talking about it and finding a fix. This is especially likely for women who have wrongly been told all women can and should orgasm from intercourse. Other women feel like a failure because they only have one orgasm at a time (like most women) or don’t squirt (most women don’t).
For men it’s about erections. Men get worried when they get past thirty and are no longer fully erect and ready to go at the drop of a panty. They fear a normal change means there is something wrong with them. The wife who notices this change may assume her husband is no longer attracted to her. Full-on ED is even worse. Some men are so ashamed they stop having sex with their wife, resorting to masturbation instead. They would like to have sex with their wife but can’t deal with not being able to do it “right”.
Both men and women get caught up in the lie that women orgasm quickly and easily. Most do that on occasion, and a few do so most of the time, but the majority of women need far more time than media portrays. This leads to disappointment, bad sex, and possibly trying to fix something that isn’t broken.
Sex should be a journey, not a destination. It will be ever-changing, and there are always new things to explore if you’re both willing. Relax your expectations, get rid of that list of shoulds, and enjoy real sex with your wonderful spouse. A good starting place is working to be able to discuss sex openly as a couple.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple, and for every season of life.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 12, 2026 | Adulting
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3VbcJVP
I could go a lot of ways to talk about adulting in your marriage bed. I could talk about not seeking sex when your spouse has had a hard day. I could talk about offering your spouse sex when you’ve had a hard day. But I’m going to land on when you are separated or your spouse can’t.
While sex in marriage is a couple thing, sex drive is not. Most men, and many women, continue to have their normal sex drive regardless of what their spouse is going through or if they are apart. Think of it like this: some of us lose our appetite when our spouse is struggling, and some don’t. I wish my sex drive cut out when my wife was sick, stressed, or otherwise unable. But that’s not how God made me.
If your sex drive is still going strong when you’re apart or your spouse is unable to have sex, do you just cross your legs and try not to think about it? I don’t think running around aroused is wise. It’s annoying, distracting, and can put us in a place of temptation. All of this is also true when we are separated for a few days or longer.
Yes, I am going to suggest DIY release of sexual tension. I think it’s the adult thing to do.
If your spouse is going to be away from you, slip a sex toy or a bottle of lube in their suitcase along with a note that says “Think of me.” Or leave such a gift on their pillow at home. Even better, arrange to call each other for a bit of phone sex.
As for not being able to have sex, some take a very legalistic stand on 1 Cor 7:5, a stand which is devoid of love, caring, and grace. There will be times when it’s not reasonable to expect your spouse to be willing or able to be sexual. And as I’ve said about other things this week, it’s not your job to judge if they are right about that. If she says, “I can’t“, then you accept she can’t. Likewise if he says he can’t. If that happens a great deal apart from illness, chronic pain, or a season of crazy, then you need to have a discussion. But most of the time you should accept that they can’t, and ask what you can do for them to make things easier.
If your spouse is unable, would they rather you take care of yourself in bed next to them, or apart from them? Aside from the other things I mentioned, doing this means you’re not like a vulture waiting for your spouse to be good enough to take care of you. I suggest you have a discussion about this before you’re in the situation. Work through any concerns and come up with a plan.
BTW, if you’re the unable spouse, you can make it easier by touching your spouse to arouse them, and then asking them to finish what you started. This can also open the way for some emotional intimacy.
A personal request: Lori has been struggling with her health for a couple of months. We finally have an appointment with a specialist, three weeks from now. She is in pretty much constant discomfort and far worse. It’s really weighing on her mentally and emotionally. She asked me to ask y’all for your prayers.
~ This is Paul, and I’ve had ample opportunity to work on my Adulting recently.
Good night, Eatern Washington
Thanks for another lovely day.
Image Credits: First © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second © Paul H Byerly
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