by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 24, 2026 | Seeing Clealry
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3LLqOoM
I spent the week talking about seeing your spouse as good-willed and how doing so positively affects your marriage. But how do we assume good will when our spouse leaves their socks on the floor for the tenth time or seems to ignore our feelings or requests?
Start with prayer. Before you get out of bed in the morning, ask God to help you assume good will and to see intentions, not just actions.
When your spouse does something that is annoying or aggravating, try to reframe it. Why did they do that? Are they busy and not paying attention? Have they had a long hard day and are not trying? Is it a blind spot? Beyond all that, have you made it clear in the past that you dislike it when they do whatever? What’s the most charitable, good-willed explanation for their behaviour?
When your spouse is good-willed, flag that in your mind. We tend to be far more aware of what bothers us than what blesses us. If you kept a running tally, you might find your spouse is far more good-willed than you have given them credit for.
If doing all of this for a couple of weeks leaves you convinced your spouse is not good-willed, then what?
First, check yourself. Are you being good-willed? Are you compassionate when your spouse is struggling? Then ask yourself if this is their long-term norm or something recent. If they have changed, why might that have happened? Is it because of your relationship, or is it an external issue?
Next, start a discussion. Rather than accusing, explain how their actions make you feel. Ask what you can do to help change things. Ask if they are reacting to you or something you are doing. Ask if they can be a little more considerate. And of course, offer grace.
If the issue is new, ask yourself if it might be a season because of what is happening in their life. Sometimes we just have to hold out until things get better. And sometimes we need to speak up. Ask God for wisdom in knowing which is appropriate now. As I said earlier, there are limits. Don’t be a doormat, and absolutely don’t put up with abuse.
Seeing your spouse as good-willed is important for a good marriage. If you are not there, it deserves some effort.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that seeing the good is Doing Marriage Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 13, 2025 | conclusions, StoryWork
So I’ve given you a crash course in story work. There are several things you could do with that. You might think you would benefit from dong some story work with a coach. Or perhaps you would like to learn more. Or maybe you and your spouse are ready to give it a try with each other. If you want to kick it around, I’d suggest you learn more together first.
I think story work is a powerful tool, and I can’t recommend it enough. Lori and I are going to be doing it with a couple of friends.
Lori and I have had some basic training, but not enough we would story work with others. However, many of the folks at Aldrich Ministries are well-trained and doing story work with clients. Kate Aldrich is doing a story work group for women that starts soon. Last I talked with her, she had a few openings. Or get on the waiting list for the next one. Brad Aldrich is interested in doing a similar group for men. If you’re interested, sign up for more information.
The Allender Center has multiple resources on story work. This link goes to a 36-minute audio on The Role of Story, and there are other resources listed on the page. If you want to try story work in your marriage, do check these out.
~ This is Paul, and every marriage is its own story
Tilly’s nemesis Zelda being cute again.
Tilly needs to up her game!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 6, 2025 | ThePast
The last three days I’ve just scratched the surface of how our family of origin effects who we are. They have a profound effect on how we relate to others, and especially to our spouse and children.
I encourage you to spend some time thinking about this the next few days. How did your family dynamics differ from other families you have seen? Were those differences positive, negative, or just different? And have those differences resulted in any tug-of-wars in your marriage?
Spend some time with your spouse talking about your families of origin. Ask questions, and dig a bit. Look for places where your families differed from each other; these are potential friction points.
Discuss your no goes. If one family screamed when they argued, and the other spouse can’t deal with that, then that needs to be avoided. I know couples who both scream, and they walk away feeling fine. I don’t get it, but if it’s not a problem for either of them, then it’s not a problem.
Other common issues that can stem from our family of origin are things like being on time, versus being early, neatness, what respect means and how it is shown, and who does what chores around the house. Often there is no issue of right and wrong, so you have to work to find what works well for the two of you. If either of you cares a lot about something, odds are you should go with that way. And yes, that could mean you do more one family’s way.
Finally, there are usually more than two options. Doing it differently than either of your families did it might be the best choice. Don’t just think outside the box, get outside of it and find ways that are right for you and your spouse.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that every marriage is different
Tilly always looks guilty.
Especially when we find her in odd places.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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