Podcast: https://bit.ly/4oQEf5x
Another “no news” reason we don’t tell our spouses about things that are not working for us is fear.
There are a couple forms of this. One is fear that our spouse will get upset by what we want. This could be based on past attempts to discuss the thing. It resulted in anger, yelling, or withdrawing. Unable to deal with that, we stopped talking about it. We still need the change, but we don’t share that to avoid a fight. This fear can also be second hand, a reaction from a parent or previous partner over the same thing. The risk of getting hurt again is too great, so we say nothing.
A second reason for not sharing what we feel we must have is fearing what we want is selfish or wrong. It’s not fair to expect it, much less ask for it, so we suffer in silence. If what we want is really wrong, then we need to deal with that. But it’s also possible we have believed lies and what we need is normal and right.
The real problem with all of this, is that keeping silent due to fear does not fix the situation. We still suffer. We feel unloved, untrusted, used, or even abused. Staying quiet out of fear doesn’t result in us giving our spouse a pass. We might try to do that, but the pain and emptiness remain, and we always go back to blaming our spouse.
If you don’t share the problems you have about your marriage with your spouse, they can’t do anything to resolve them. Your silence dooms your relationship to decline.
If you need to say something and don’t because of fear, it’s time to get help. You might start by asking a wise friend or a professional if what you want is right and fair. If that’s enough to get you to speak up, great. If you still fear anger or other negative actions, perhaps you need to share the concern with your spouse in front of a third party.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Seeing a lot of Oregon grapes this year.
They are very tart, and are usually mixed with sweeter fruit or made into wine.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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