I think failure to deal with sex holistically is hurting many couples. Sex is affected by all the rest of your marriage and life, and a good sex life requires you to understand and manage that.
We sometimes deal with folks who think their marriage is fine other than for sex. This is mostly men who want more, but it can also be women, or it can be about what happens rather than how often it happens. There have been a few exceptions, but usually when someone has felt this way, they were wrong.
To be fair, if you’re having far less sex than you’d like, you feel that strongly both emotionally and physically. Some men and women find it difficult to believe their spouse loves them when sex is infrequent. These strong feelings can easily blind us to other issues that need to be addressed.
Most women, and some men, need a good emotional relationship before they can want or enjoy sex. If the couple spends little time together, or has very little non-sexual touch, that will cripple their sex life. If the couple is fighting, or ignoring each other, that will also hurt their sex life. None of these can be solved by working on the couple’s sex life because the problem is not about sex.
A lack of time is another big destroyer of sex lives. Most men under forty can manage sex regardless of how little sleep they’ve had. And most men under thirty will be able to manage sex even if they put in a long, physically demanding day. But most women can’t do this, and if they push to have sex anyway, they won’t enjoy it. What’s more, pushing like this too often will put them off sex all together.
If you want a good sex life, you must give it plenty of time and emotional space.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
We have a LOT of deer.
I passed this herd of more than 100 in a ten acre field a mile from our house the other evening.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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