Does your family of origin effect the sex life you have today with your spouse? It does, and probably far more than you realise.
While your parents didn’t play out their sex life in front of you, they gave plenty of clues. One study found college age kids were very accurate at guessing how often their parents had sex. If mom did all she could to avoid sex, the kids knew that. If either parent was sex starved, the kids had some awareness of that. If either parent was uptight about sex, that was communicated in multiple ways.
Your parents also played a big part in your body image, which impacts how sexually free you feel. If your genitals were treated as dirty or shameful, that’s hurting your sex life with your husband or wife.
Then there’s the purity culture, which was big in the ’90s, and is still practiced by some today. It was no doubt well-meaning, but it went way too far. It caused all manner of fear and self-loathing. Many went into marriage with the idea that sex is a necessary evil, and sexual passion is sin, even when it’s aimed at your spouse.
Lori and I have heard honeymoon horror stories that make us weep. And we’ve talked to couples who are still struggling with these problems a decade down the road.
God intended sex as a gift that would bring a couple together. Mutual desire and enjoyment was His plan. But the lies of man get in the way of God’s plan.
As with any lie, the way to change is to learn and repeat the truth. The Song of Songs is an entire book of the Bible devoted to sexual love. In chapter five, at the pinnacle of the song, God says to the couple:
Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love! (SS 5:1b ESV)
The idea is to be so carried away by sex that you’re like a drunk, with no restraint. The Hebrew word means a state of revelry or excessive indulgence. This is God’s truth. Anything else is a lie that we must reject.
Of course, actually undoing decades of living a lie is far more difficult than just stating the truth. A freer sex life is a slow journey with road blocks and detours. If you find you can’t do it on your own, get help.
Finally, this is not about doing sex “right”; it’s about doing it well. Find what works for your marriage, and ignore what anyone else might think about it.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that every sex life is different
This is a replacement for a T-shirt I had Lori make for me two years ago.
I get a lot of comments when I wear this. If you like it, you can get one here.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
