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I spent the week talking about seeing your spouse as good-willed and how doing so positively affects your marriage. But how do we assume good will when our spouse leaves their socks on the floor for the tenth time or seems to ignore our feelings or requests?
Start with prayer. Before you get out of bed in the morning, ask God to help you assume good will and to see intentions, not just actions.
When your spouse does something that is annoying or aggravating, try to reframe it. Why did they do that? Are they busy and not paying attention? Have they had a long hard day and are not trying? Is it a blind spot? Beyond all that, have you made it clear in the past that you dislike it when they do whatever? What’s the most charitable, good-willed explanation for their behaviour?
When your spouse is good-willed, flag that in your mind. We tend to be far more aware of what bothers us than what blesses us. If you kept a running tally, you might find your spouse is far more good-willed than you have given them credit for.
If doing all of this for a couple of weeks leaves you convinced your spouse is not good-willed, then what?
First, check yourself. Are you being good-willed? Are you compassionate when your spouse is struggling? Then ask yourself if this is their long-term norm or something recent. If they have changed, why might that have happened? Is it because of your relationship, or is it an external issue?
Next, start a discussion. Rather than accusing, explain how their actions make you feel. Ask what you can do to help change things. Ask if they are reacting to you or something you are doing. Ask if they can be a little more considerate. And of course, offer grace.
If the issue is new, ask yourself if it might be a season because of what is happening in their life. Sometimes we just have to hold out until things get better. And sometimes we need to speak up. Ask God for wisdom in knowing which is appropriate now. As I said earlier, there are limits. Don’t be a doormat, and absolutely don’t put up with abuse.
Seeing your spouse as good-willed is important for a good marriage. If you are not there, it deserves some effort.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that seeing the good is Doing Marriage Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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