Podcast: https://bit.ly/492878I
So today we discuss choices and sex. There are so many ways to go with this. Everything I have said this week applies here. But I want to use sex to address another reason we make poor choices: not understanding the consequences of our choices. Or, downplaying the consequences in our minds. I’ll cover two issues today. The first is usually done by men, and the second is usually done by women. But both can go the other way. Regardless of who is doing them, the emotional fallout remains the same.
For the men the choice is easy: pornography.
For this discussion I’m talking about videos of fully naked women doing blatantly sexual things. I think porn is far more than that, but rather than argue where the line is, I have chosen something most will see as porn.
Most men would not look at porn if they knew the next time they did, their marriage would end. Many would manage to abstain from porn if they knew looking at it would end their sex life with their wife. But these are not the usual consequences of porn use, and the majority of churchgoing men look at porn at least once a month. (BTW, the same is true for at least a third of churchgoing women.)
Do these men think they get enough from porn to offset what it costs them? I suppose they do. But if they significantly misjudge what it costs them, then their conclusion is bad.
Here’s the thing, most women dislike their partner looking at porn, and about half see it as cheating. Those statistics are for the general population. Among Christians, far fewer women are in any way okay with it. If your wife sees porn as cheating, continuing to use it is killing her sexual desire for you. It’s also undermining her love for you. Arguing porn is not about her or is not cheating won’t change her mind or how she feels about it, nor will it change the consequences you suffer.
Guys, the next time you use porn, it probably won’t end your marriage or your sex life. But it will harm both of those, and it will hurt your wife. If you could really see the consequences of choosing to look at porn, I think you would find it far easier to stop.
For the women, let’s talk about empty sex.
Empty sex is what he gets when she “lies there and spreads her legs”. It’s saying yes with her body, but nothing more. It’s emotionally empty, and there is no effort to connect, engage, or make it good.
You might wonder why a man would accept empty sex. For the same reason a hungry person will eat food they don’t like. It’s not what they want, but it takes care of the hunger. If it’s all they can get and they’re really hungry, they go for it.
The problem is the long-term consequence. When your sexual desire is treated like changing a diaper, that hurts. And if that is how sex is, even for a minority of that time, it hurts deeply. It makes you feel unloved, and it undermines your love for the woman hurting you that way.
The reality is few men will keep accepting empty sex. It’s easier and less painful to just take care of it in the shower. Beyond that, it increases the temptation to lust and to act on said lust. This is not to excuse sin, but it is a potential consequence of empty sex.
The solution to empty sex is not faking something you don’t feel. The solution is seeing his desire as a valid part of the man you love and treating it as such. You don’t have to get fancy; an enthusiastic handjob can be far better than empty intercourse.
~ This is Paul, and the consequences of Doing Marriage Well are great!
It’s always something!
My portion of the mowing takes four or five hours a week. Plus weed eating.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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