Podcast: https://bit.ly/3SruXRZ
Yesterday I suggested the need for emotional connection and sexual connection are very similar, and limiting either is like limiting the other. I also suggested what makes it difficult for many to accept this is what it would mean for them if they did.
The man who feels he’s not getting enough sex is angry, and he feels justified being angry. He tells himself he would never deny his wife sex, because he loves her and would never hurt her in that way. And odds are he would not do that. But what if he is doing something every bit as painful to her by not being there for her emotionally?
How many wives are doing the reverse? They would never dream of hurting their husband by not being there for him emotionally, but they don’t see only having sex a few times a month as being in any way similar?
We make our hurts big and downplay other people’s pain. We want to pin our pain on what others do and don’t do but dodge responsibility for how our actions and inactions hurt others. We do this because of cognitive dissonance, the mental discomfort we feel when our actions don’t match our beliefs. Telling ourselves that emotional and sexual connections are two different things protects us from facing the reality that we are doing the same thing to our spouse that we are upset they are doing to us.
My goal is to make it impossible for you to keep telling yourself that lie. I realise that is a horrible thing to do to you. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to force you to make some difficult decisions. But if you accept this truth, it could be the start of some significant changes in your marriage.
Not sure? Ask God to deal with this in your heart and mind. Ask Him to make it real to you if it’s true. I dare you.
The exception: if your marriage is in a bad place, such as an addiction, adultery, neglect or ongoing anger, you will need to deal with those things before you deal with connection issues.
Tomorrow I will take a stab at explaining what it means to be emotionally available.
~ This is Paul, and the dog in the image gets it.
When we planted this tree a few years ago, it was less than a foot tall.
Now it’s over eight feet! It’s a tamarack, one of the few deciduous conifers.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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